you know I never really dealt with him dying properly. I just kept it all inside, didn’t really talk about it with anyone. Now I’m with someone who’s really kind and patient, the kind of person you want to be honest with. Today I caught myself again seeing my ex in him like in the way he speaks, moves and laughs. I closed my eyes and leaned into it instead of pushing it away. I hate that I let it happen and part of me wanted it. I said nothing. I smiled and pretended everything was fine but inside I was comparing him to someone gone and the guilt made me feel sick. Today it hit me, I don’t think I love him. I haven’t said anything to him yet. I’ll just keep it to myself, but it makes me feel guilty because he’s done nothing wrong and I’m not really there for him the way he deserves. I keep telling myself that missing someone isn’t wrong, but I know I’ve been holding space in my heart for him and that’s not fair to the person I’m with now. I don’t really know what to do now.
TL;DR- Today I realised I don’t love my boyfriend anymore because I’m still stuck on my ex who died and it’s messing me up inside.