TIFU by saying I didn’t like Jimmy Buffet at an Applebee’s

So this actually happened last night. My wife and I left the theatre after watching the new Final Destination movie. It was still a bit early so we thought we’d get a snack and a pint. Applebee’s is close to home and cheese sticks sounded pretty good. We sat down and said hi to our bartender (I’ll call him Brad for the rest of this post). Great guy and really the other reason we sometimes end up at Applebee’s.

Across the bar from us was another couple. I noticed them right away because of the drunken PDA’s and loudness. The man was probably in his early fifties, a big guy , buzz cut, and a goatee that screams crypto trader. His wife? girlfriend? Whatever was a blonde woman who was obviously tanked.

Halfway through my beer, I ask the bartender why Applebee’s has so many tropical specialty drinks. I make some comments that it really doesn’t fit the overall theme. Basic lighthearted, end of night riffing. I said something to the effect of, “it’s like that guy who wrote that shitty cheese burger song designed their drink menu.”

My wife responds with, “You mean Jimmy Buffet?”

“Yes, that’s the guy. Man, I hate Jimmy Buffet stuff,” I replied.

Instantly the man across from us says, “Wait, you hate Jimmy Buffet?”

I say something to the effect of yea, I can’t stand his music,” or something close to that.

He again voices his objection, but in such a way that I think he’s joking around. Like, how dare you hate Jimmy Buffet, ha ha. So I smile and laugh as does my wife. I’ve had tons of playful conversations at bars, especially about music and pop culture and the such. His wife, in a drunken slur says, “Yeew hchate Jemmy Buffate? Thatsh jusht unpatriotich”

Okay, so my wife and I laugh and feel and return to our previous conversation. The guy then says, “Do you know who I hate?”

The mood was starting to change, but I bit. Smiling, I inquired, “Who do you hate?” Thinking he’d say some musician he’s heard two radio edits from that rubbed him the wrong way. Whatever.

“I HATE Biden  because he’s a lib CU CK!” he says, smiling at his self-perceived wit.

I was a bit taken back because nothing up to this point had been political. My wife and I were talking about the movie we saw and how it had the feel of the early 00’s cheesy horror movies. I was wearing a Cowboy Bebop t-shirt and a cardigan. My wife wasn’t sporting anything political. But whatever, his look matched the comment, so I just smiled and said, “Okay, if that’s your thing.”

At this point, the mood had definitely changed. My wife, being more perceptive than myself, side eyed me with a look. that said, oh fuck it’s one of them. I was still trying to keep things copasetic so I just smiled and returned to my drink.

“Hey, did you hear me? I said I hate Biden because he’s a lib Cu ck,” he repeated while staring directly at my wife, holding an unlit, half smoked cigar that was starting to stink up the place.

My wife responds, “Congratulations on your feelings,” with a smile, still trying to keep the mood light, which was not the case anymore. She knew the scene was escalating in a bad way.

And this is probably where I really didn’t make things better. I said something along the lines of “I don’t really care if you hate Joe Biden or not, but you have to give it to him for not writing shitty songs about cheeseburgers.” I joked. Then I kind of did a little impromptu song about cheeseburgers,

Then there was screeching of wood against tile, some quick chaos. ‘Well hell, I’m going to get in a fight at Applebee’s and given this guy’s size, I’ll likely get my ass kicked…. Maybe he will be slow and I could take him, maybe… But then I would get a trophy of winning (likely losing) a fight at Applebee’s. Rock bottom, here I come… damn.’

But then Brad came over to him, and some words were said. I didn’t hear them, but it was enough for the man to grab the back of the chair. He didn’t throw it to the floor. He kind of tipped it, brought it down a bit, then let it drop with a pathetic impact. “It’s not like I wanted to come here anyway, this place sucks,” he said like he just lost a round of Street Fighter 2 and was going home to cry. Grabbing his wife’s arm and leading her out the door.

My wife and I were flabbergasted, to say the least. I started laughing my ass off. “What the hell just happened?”

The next 20 minutes were filled with the lively, and confused, conversation of the previous events. I couldn’t stop laughing about it. Probably the brief shot of adrenaline. Or just the absolute absurdity of standing on a knife’s edge of getting into a fight at Applebee’s. Win or lose, you don’t win that kind of situation. You will always be that guy who fought at Applebee’s.

So big thanks to “Brad” for being clutch in that situation. Good dude.

TL;DR: Almost got into a fight at an Applebee’s because I made a quip about Jimmy Buffet.