TIFU by saying to a guy (B) I’m really into that I fucked someone else (A) 10 times the night before so I can focus on getting to know him (B) today

So I (27F) have recently begun a hoe phase after being in consecutive codependent relationships my entire adult life (yes I’m in therapy no I’m not okay but oh well what can you do life goes on :D).

Anyway I had a really cute first (ever) coffee date with this (29M) gentleman, let’s call him A. It was so very wholesome and I was a very good girl but 2 days later I ended up taking his virginity and we began a pseudo-FWB partnership (long story).

Since I’m being a hoe wanting to try out casual dating, I also matched with this really fascinating attractive intriguing (27M) man, who is literally so special and unique and honestly I can’t be too specific because he’s frickin active af on reddit and I have already lost enough dignity in this chain of events (but please text me again if you see this, who am I kidding you’re not going to see this, who am I kidding you’re not going to want to see me again especially if you see this I’m so fucking weird and ridiculous). Let’s just call him B, B for Bravo because oh my goodness I wish he himself got to experience himself because he is an EXPERIENCE.

B blessed me with the opportunity to go on a date with him on Sunday, I’m here shitting my figurative pants throughout the week and fangirling about him to every other guy I match with on Bumble and Hinge (somehow these are all pure (?) friendships (?) I am naive ). BUT I’d also planned to see A again on Saturday. As for why I chose to schedule a date with B the day after spending the night with A well I DON’T FUCKING KNOW ALRIGHT how else was I supposed to do it I wasn’t even expecting to sleep with B????? What if he lost interest in me if he had to wait another week????? I’m a people pleaser????? anyway

So on Saturday I go see A and we proceed to fuck like 11 times over 24 hours (including dry humping but I honestly lost count of the breakdown between that and actual penetration). A leaves a MASSIVE hickey on my neck. I get like 3 hours sleep before I have to wake up in the morning and drive 30 minutes in the rain to see B at a coffee shop near his house. After a slightly anxiety inducing 30 minutes during which I thought of nothing and everything, I park my neat little car and walk towards this tiny hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that was filled to the brim with HUMANS and my socially anxious ass was having a passive breakdown. I arrive at exactly 10:00AM. B isn’t waiting for me there, because why would he be if he literally lived down the road… I stand there awkwardly for what felt like an everlasting minute but was probably numerically less than one. I message B that I’m there. He messages back he’s walking over. I thought he would take longer but he literally shows up in 30 seconds.

And God, oh God, he is the most gorgeous handsome tall glorious radiant fantastic beautiful man I have ever set my eyes on (or that’s what it feels like now after I’ve processed and reprocessed this memory a hundred times since I was gently told to GTFO after he rawdogged me the third time we had sex.) He hugs me so tightly and thoroughly and tells me I’m even more beautiful in person. He looks me in the eye like he’s mesmerised. He smiles and his voice is beautiful and I literally had a sense that he wanted to kiss me right then and there. Maybe he’s just real suave or a good actor or good at dating or who knows he liked my mango breath mint or something, but holy hell it was ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY INTENSE. Anyway we get our coffee and pastry (I don’t even like pastries that much wtf am I doing) and the store is completely full so he invited me back to his place which is just around the corner. And remember I’m really new to this dating thing right how was I supposed to know that inviting your date over to your place is pretty much always an insinuation for sex (?)

Honestly the next half hour was like a dream, I felt like I had angel wings and was floating above the clouds in the starry midnight sky surrounded by wisps of hopes and dreams and fantastical things. He has two kittens and was so affectionate with them and I was MELTING on the inside looking at him and them and him with them. He sits across me on the floor SO CLOSE that his knees are against mine, he’s touching my knee and my leg and my shoulder, he’s saying something and looking into my eyes, I don’t even remember how it ended up happening but we’re kissing and he was so soft and sensual and a good kisser and fuck I can’t remember the last time I was kissed like this. He holds my feet gently in his hands. He tells me ‘if you think I’m good with my tongue now wait to see what I can do later’. He leans into the crook of my neck to kiss it.

And here is when my fuck up officially starts:

“Full disclosure,” I say, “someone else left a hickey here last night.”

“I gathered,” he purrs seductively, “when you said you spent the night away from home yesterday.”

“I’m so glad I got laid last night,” I sigh. (I meant well, as in I’m glad I’m not so horny and excitable that I would be making a fool of myself around you)

“You’re going to get laid today,” he chuckles. “Would you be open to that?”

“I wouldn’t be adverse,” I smile, and we lean in again. (Here I was already like having an out of body experience because who the fuck was I being I am NOT like this I am NOT cool NOT suave NOT smooth what am I even saying?????)

“No but,” I pull away, “I don’t want this just to be a hook up–“

“It’s not,” he reassures, chasing my lips with his and pulling me deeper into him.

“So will we have a second date?” I mumble against his lips.

“Yes,” he laughs breathily, “yes, there will be a second date.”

Did I mention he’s a professional musician? Well, he’s a professional musician, like top of his scope, actual, up there, musician. Then he proceeds to play his own composition for me. And I’ve always had a weak spot for talented people. And musicians. And people who are creative. And extroverted charismatic people who are tactful and eloquent and well-spoken. I was star-struck. I was overcome. I was fucked before I was fucked.

And then he lifts me up below the hips so I could wrap my legs around him while he carries me to bed and what the fuck was I supposed to do then but offer up everything I am. He subsequently gives me the dicking of my life. Some time during this I somehow told him I got fucked ten times last night (I don’t even remember how this came up!!! I don’t remember what prompted me to say it!!!) My intention was, like I said, to convey how overwhelmed I was by him, how amazing I found him, and that I was glad that I could have the edge taken off me so I could be slightly cool around him because he was just that amazing and incredible and overwhelming and arousing. I also trauma dumped a shit ton in the subsequent pillow talks but he did have me two more times so surely he wasn’t completely turned off…or maybe he’d just given up on a meaningful connection by then and just wanted a nice warm hole, who knows, I don’t even know him, it would be perfectly understandable if that was what he wanted considering I am 10/10 oversharing socially inept me.

The third time he fucked me we did it raw which was pretty nice, I think he liked it, kind of an honour, except afterwards he kind of insinuated I should leave in 20 minutes as he needed to start work. We did the kiss and hug before leaving and text me when you get home comment. I drive the 83km back home, feeling vaguely off the entire drive. I text him that I’m home. Then he’s pretty much irresponsive for like 2.5 days and my search history becomes full of r/dating and r/ghosting and r/AskMen. After 96 hours and going through the 5 stages of grief for the first time, I decide to take a final shot and break every rule of dating to ask him on a second date while gushing so embarrassingly about how much I want to see him again. He responds affirmative after a day or so, but something felt off and no concrete plans were made. I haven’t been this obsessive about a guy since I was 14 (but he did just give me the most passionate skillful overwhelming dicking of my life). After another 60 hours or so I had a burst of courage and decided to confront him about the breadcrumbing because I really just wanted to know whether he was actually interested or if he was just being nice and trying to do a slow fade/let me down gently. He was really decent and responded promptly: 1) he’s busy, 2) he was really put off by not the fact that I slept with someone else the night before, but by my reasoning that I fucked someone 10 times so I can focus on getting to know him (something about being fake and ridiculous and would get banned even in the r/friendzone subreddit D:), 3) I was too intense with multiple messages in quick succession. But he’s still open to seeing me again because I respected his dicking so much. (so my personality isn’t enough. I’m not good enough. that’s okay. i already knew that. my mother told me many times already.)

I know people have their lives and we don’t revolve just one person, and I’m not usually this obsessive (I don’t think I am at least), but I did kind of feel ghosted/used/told to gtfo after getting fucked raw, and I overthink, and I overshare, and I should probably talk to my therapist about this but we’re still unpacking truckfuls of childhood trauma. And I don’t want love. I don’t want a relationship. I’m not emotionally available. I don’t want to date anyone. But feelings will cloud your judgement, and thoughts of him fill me with excitement and dread and mortification, and I am drowned in joy and fear and hopeless anticipation, and I really want him to text me again so I can see him again and enjoy his company again, get to know him more, ask him what his favourite colour is, play two truths and a lie, bite his ear and kiss his neck and suck his cock properly to make him feel good, prove that I can perform better and I can be more cool and I’m actually worthy. Fuck, if he sees this there is no way he’ll text me. Dear musician, thank you for sharing those 6 hours with me, maybe we’ll cross paths again one day and I really hope we do even if it’s a pitiful futile wish upon a starless midnight sky, I loved your cock, but I really wish I got to know you too.

tl;dr: screwed up a date with a really amazing guy because I told him I fucked someone else 10 times the night before so I can be calm enough to get to know him on a spiritual level, had passionate soul-destroying sex anyway, overshared too much, felt like I got ghosted but probably didn’t, confronted him about the breadcrumbing and got put in my place, realised I probably need to ask my therapist to see me twice a week lmao