So I might as well mention a couple things about things I tend to do or whatever…
a) I’m much more at peace with myself as the kind of person who does small favors or thoughtful things for other people than having things done back in return. I don’t do things because I seek credit for them or adulation, frankly I couldn’t care less about those things. If anything I do ends up going unnoticed or it’s never discovered who did them, that’s fine by me. I do that shit just as much to make myself feel good as I do it for anybody else. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t point out that, mentally, my head is an absolute mess. The probability that I have at least one undiagnosed mental disorder is extremely high. The same thing that I’d like to think makes me “thoughtful” about others also makes my head space a nightmare to live with. I figure that I might as well try and make use of one of the “good” aspects of it.
b) I’m a bit of an information-curious person, I often do baseline internet searches of people just to fulfill my own curiosity. I don’t information gather for the purposes of using anything for future self-gain at the expense of others. And, mind you, (and is relevant in today’s case) sometimes that’s nothing more than just seeing Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media profiles and what information is left publicly visible to any visitors coming across those pages. Quite frankly, given how I’ve described this, this is the one thing I’ll pre-emptively say I don’t apologize for, I don’t think there’s anything specifically “wrong” about this.
So yesterday, when I was chatting with one of my colleagues (I work in an office where there’s usually only three of us, it’s a law firm, and the attorney was busy elsewhere and not in the office yet), I saw her throwing out some flowers that had died. To be clear, this was while we were talking and I could see her. I thought it would be a nice thing for today to have quietly replaced those flowers. (Let me also be clear that this colleague of mine, she’s gay. I’m straight. I’m also one of the least relationship-centric people you’ll ever meet. So in terms of anything “in particular”, I have zero interest in her. That part can’t be emphasized enough for the sake of avoiding misunderstandings.)
When she came in today, I was busy doing something in the break room when she saw me and asked about it. I put them back where the old flowers had been and made no particular notice of them, and I wasn’t going to “wait for her reaction”, that would’ve made it about me and I really couldn’t have cared less for that. She made mention of appreciating the gesture and also mentioned some other (for the purposes here) non-relevant details. That was our only real conversation this morning.
Around noon, when the attorney left and went on his lunch break, she did revisit the subject with me, reiterating at first her appreciation at the gesture, but also expressing some concern about if I did anything in a way that might bring concern about whether I was actually appropriately or not with my intentions. This is the part where the FU is…I immediately assured her that there wasn’t any inappropriate motives, but before my brain could realize what my mouth was doing, I tried to emphasize this point by mentioning that I knew she was gay based on stuff I’d seen her post online previously. Lemme be clear about some things – I’m extremely pro-gay rights, I have similar social policy views as she does, I have zero problem whatsoever with her being gay or gay people in general. And I guess I might’ve thought this pre-established knowledge (these are things we’ve discussed previously) would bring useful added context. Instead (and she’s well within her rights to have felt this way), she was taken aback at the idea that I had looked at her social media, and she said that she never looks at the social media of her colleagues. That was the end of that conversation. (I’ll also just point out for anybody who reads this that, yes, I realize exactly what the fuck up was, that I should’ve never mentioned any of this, I’m well aware of that, I don’t need anyone else to make this point for me.)
…fuck.
I did send an apology email shortly afterwards, reading and I quote “It was never an intention of any sort to create any kind of discomfort, and I’ll try to be more mindful in the future as such. I apologize for any discomforts or problems that I’ve caused.” I also a little bit later made my way back towards her office in case there was any other “clear the air” stuff to discuss (I would’ve implored the discussion to take place in the open board room, not in her office, as to avoid the appearance of making her feel “cornered”) but she wasn’t interested. I didn’t go back her way or verbally talk with her at all the rest of the day. Any next conversations of any sort will have to come from her, and that’s probably appropriate enough.
She took her lunch break when the attorney returned from his. When he had a minute, I sat down with him and explained what happened, what I’d done, and expressed my regrets and apologies for doing so. He and she talk a lot more often than I get the chance to talk with either of them (office geography really fucks me but that’s a totally different discussion and not the fault of either of them) so in the event that she mentioned anything, I just wanted to let him hear my side of the story first and that I expressed regret with him as well. He took it well enough, he almost seemed a little surprised at the degree of seriousness I was giving the subject, said he appreciated my forthrightness, and that he would expect things will be just fine (although obviously that’s not his decision to make). He’s always been a good dude to me.
At some point after she returned from her lunch break, I did notice a short response to the email I’d written (by this point) two hours earlier. It read “Thanks for your message. I appreciate your apology and your willingness to be mindful moving forward.” I didn’t respond, and I made zero change to my plans about how to “play” this from before. That message read as being very perfunctory to me, almost a sense of “get this over with” (I realize any and all of this could be my own projection), but obviously she’s under no obligation to accept apologies if she doesn’t want to, that’s her choice and I accept that.
Ultimately, I left the office about five minutes early without any customary “see you tomorrow” or whatever type exchanges. I’m not big on Irish Goodbyes but in today’s case I really didn’t want to bring any more attention to myself. Leave them in peace and exit without a fuss.
Obviously my hope will be that this all “works itself out” in due time, but in the event that Lauren either feels a breach of trust too great has occurred and can’t move past it, or if I feel it’s no longer comfortable for me to go to the office, or a combination of both of course (or other possible factors that I’m not mentioning here), I’ve already penned a resignation letter. I actually had already written it before talking with the attorney. This was my mistake, my breach of trust, and she’s more important to the goings on than I am. I will remove myself from the situation if I’ve created a problematic workplace. My mistake, my problem to fix. Obviously this is a nuclear option but it will be used if deemed necessary.
tl;dr – revealed too much information to a colleague and violated their trust.__
If anybody has ideas about what to do, how else to approach this, etc., feel free to leave your comments. Anybody who read this far, thanks. I’m not so much trying to have a discussion about where I went wrong, that’s extremely obvious, but I do feel better about getting this typed out instead of leaving it exclusively in my own toxic head space.