TW: mentions of suicide
I’ve (23F) been dealing with ongoing digestive problems my whole life. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at 2.5 years old and recently it’s been discovered that I’ve developed Crohn’s as well. I’ve been vocal about these issues with the people I see regularly during work, including my direct supervisor, because I’ve had to miss work for screenings, follow-ups and the like. Well, clearly, this was a mistake!
Today my supervisor was asking me how my diet is working out for mitigating my symptoms, because I struggle to find the right foods to stay healthy and also feel okay. My lovely, super amazing supervisor (/s) somehow thought it would be appropriate to mention that she knew someone whose wife had Crohn’s, and she ended her life because she was so tired of being sick.
Not only a completely inappropriate thing to say to someone currently struggling with the disease, but also a horribly depressing prognosis for someone like myself to hear who is literally going through the shit trenches. Thanks Susan!
TL;DR: shared too much medical info with my boss and now I have a crippling fear of my future with GI issues
Comments
Yes. You should only share bare minimum medical information as required by HR if you need to take time off. Susan possibly is an asshole. No tact or compassion. Maybe trying to help or say something because she thinks you shouldn’t be drinking shakes.
What an odd thing to say. I have severe IBS, so I can relate to you to an extent. I feel like people take our issues less seriously because they’re “poop issues”, so maybe she thought that what she was saying was less fucked up because “haha funny poop”? There’s really no excuse for saying that though, I am really sorry OP.
I’ve a dear friend with crohns, still thriving at 36. You’ve got this!
My take is that the supervisor is saying that she understands how bad it can get as she know someone who killed themselves over it.
Without additional words to support that, it’s weird. However, I’m guessing you might not have to fight so hard to have your issues taken seriously by that supervisor either.
But definitely don’t take it as something that’s going to happen to you.
When I was pregnant, I had an associate let me know he was going to be missing a few days of work as he had a funeral. He then proceeded to go on that the funeral was for a friend who stood in front of a train because of severe postpartum depression.
I’m fairly certain that he did not know that I was pregnant at the time…but seven years later I still feel a gut punch from that.
She is likely just concerned as increased suicidal thought is real. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35872532/
Stay strong and sorry that infraction happened to you!
“I knew somebody that went through the same thing. And it was a nightmare for them” that’s all he needed to say lol.
8 years post-diagnosis, in remission! it ain’t all doom and gloom
Word of advice: No one at work is your friend. I understand work relationships are a must to keep the peace and maintain your sanity, but don’t trust them with any personal information. Don’t vent to them about your life. Don’t bring up any incriminating thing that can be used against you later. Bare minimum. HR just needs your diagnosis for absent purposes and that’s it. Getting too personal at work is cause for disaster. Keep your work life and personal life separate.
Your boss seems concerned asked about your wellbeing and was relating with a personal expirence from their personal life. They seemed to let you know they understand it can be hard. Seems like a fine interaction given you’re so vocal about your disease
My advice is to never, EVER, disclose medical issues at work. Especially not to a supervisor. As much as we may sometimes love our jobs, the truth is that in the end we are all commodities. If a time comes where they feel it’s in their interest to replace people, they’ll use all of that info they’ve gathered to justify it.
I know, this sounds paranoid, but I recently lost a 20 year career because of something I disclosed to someone I thought of as a friend.
Dude that’s nothing wait till a supervisor fires you for it but labels it as “you’re not meeting your goals”
I found out I had crohns roughly the same age as you. I’m 33 now and doing well. Just remember there are better and better treatments coming out every year. There will be ups and downs but you will be alright.
Every person with crohns goes through their own unique experience. It was terrible for your supervisor to say that to you. It may have been their weird way of acknowledging how hard the disease can be but still dumb for them to say it. Sounds like that person died because of mental health issues, not crohns itself.
It can tax your mental health though so make sure to take care of yourself and maybe start up therapy if you ever find yourself in a dark place. I’d recommend any person newly diagnosed to start up therapy asap. Having better control of your thoughts and stress can actually help your symptoms a ton.
I have a story like that, although not quite as bad as yours. I was in an interview and I had to disclose my previous cancer diagnosis as it had left a gap in my CV. The interviewer said, “oh yeah, I went to school with someone who had that! She went into remission and got a really good job.
And then she had a relapse and died.”
I was just looking at him like, was that really the right thing to say there? He apologized, but it was pretty awkward after that.
I am sorry that happened to you. People who are lucky enough to be healthy have no idea what it is like for those of us who aren’t. Wishing you the best.
I know multiple people with Crohn’s, the ones that seem to suffer are the ones that drink alcohol and smoke a lot. The ones that don’t have issues are the ones that actually follow medical advice and they rarely have issues. Sometimes you may have to try different medications until you find what works for you, but once you’ve found it things should be a lot easier. It’s not as bad as you think!
My wife has Crohn’s. My son (18) was diagnosed with it at age 6. My daughter (21) was diagnosed six months ago. It’s a terrible disease, but I’m so thankful that the treatment options are improving. I hope a cure is found in our lifetime.
It’s tough to know sometimes how to relate and be supportive when you actually DON’T know what that person is going through (at least not totally).
I’m sorry you were dealt this hand, and I wish you happiness and good health.
i am currently in the hospital for some stuff and as i was talking to the doc and telling him what meds i take i mentioned my pre-Parkinson’s med…
he goes, “What makes you think it is ‘pre’?”
i know he saw the look on his face.
like, damn, doc… i am 44 and have not shown any symptoms other than shakey legs. my PC is the one that called it that and i copied her. nice bedside manner.
This could actually work in your favor because you can’t be fired for a medical condition thanks to the ADA and the company has to make reasonable accommodations – again, thanks to the ADA. Time to have a meeting with HR. If you divulge any of your medical conditions to HR now they are governed by HIPAA (at least in the US HR and Benefits work hand-in-hand and since most employers provide health insurance to their employees they are in fact governed by HIPAA). Source: I worked really closely with HR & Benefits at my job before I retired.
I also have Crohns / Colitis and I feel for you!
Lots of people try to say the right thing but then get foot-in-mouth syndrome!
I’ve always informally disclosed it to supervisors in the past because it can sometimes make me late to work, having to deal with stomach issues right before I’m leaving, and I’ve never had an issue. But my current job is a state job where things like that would be super official and documented and I didn’t want to deal with that when I first started. Although now I’m close to my six month review and I’m stressing about all the times I’ve been late…
Never discuss personal issues with your boss.