TIFU by swallowing a $150,000 almond

(Note: I already told the Cliff Notes version of this story in a comment last week, but I’m bored so today I’m gonna tell the whole story.)

Obligatory not Today, but a Friday in June 2021, doldrums of Covid–not a time you wanted to be near a hospital. I was eating a lovely granola bar at my desk at work. As I unwrapped it, I noticed an especially large, glistening whole almond on the bar. I noted, “Hmm, that’s as big as my thumb.”

Eating while typing, my mouth got distracted. Suddenly that giant almond had slipped unchewed to the back of my throat, and I thoughtlessly swallowed. I had no idea the gravity of what I had done. I mean, everybody knows that nut pieces can end up…undigested, but I had never swallowed a nut so large, not by a longshot.

I awoke Saturday morning feeling…funny. I had a very small pain just under my stomach area, but no worries yet. I proceeded to drink two big coffees and eat my cereal as normal. This was another mistake. After an hour or so, I was rocked with pain and unbelievable pressure in that spot just below my stomach. Soon I began vomiting. Rolling in pain and strain-vomiting. Then I remembered the almond.

We headed to the E/R, and when checking in I did say I thought I had an intestinal blockage, but true to form, no healthcare worker actually believed me until they reluctantly did a CT scan. My small intestine was not just blocked, it had started telescoping upon itself, which risks cutting off blood flow to the organ. I was quickly taken quite seriously and was whisked back to a surgery prep area.

The next thing I knew, I was in a room with a soft-spoken nurse who is telling me they have to place a gastric tube before my surgery. I was in no condition to really appreciate what that meant, and just then a bull of a nurse entered the room. In a hospital, it seems there’s always an employee they know they can call when they need to really hurt a patient to help them – an employee who can hurt people without flinching. This was that nurse.

She approached me with the tube, explained they have to feed it through my nose down into my stomach to constantly suction out my stomach secretions, so my surgery site could heal without disturbance for a few days. The bull nurse drew her fist back and basically punched me with the tube square in the left nostril. My nose exploded with blood like fireworks and would not yield, so they decided that tube was too large in diameter. They had to try again with a smaller tube in the only non-destroyed nostril I had left… So she punched me again in the nose with the second tube while I was frantically guzzling water to keep my windpipe closed, and she successfully shoved the tube all the way down until it reached my stomach.

The surgery was uneventful, to me at least. They had installed a urinary catheter while I was out, which felt a little creepy to me. I mean, it was medically necessary, but it’s still weird to find out someone was poking in your genitals while you’re under anesthesia.

I spent the next five days in the hospital, the first three with that tube in my nose/down my throat. My surgeon would visit every day, and I had to recount every fart I had after the surgery. When I was eventually compelled to have a (watery) bowel movement, the nurses had to observe my shit, make notes, and report to the doctor all about it. Basically they needed to know my digestive system was still working and not bleeding, and the first time it was reported I had had any bowel movement, the surgeon whistled, “Whew!” —And with that ‘whew,’ I suddenly realized the gravity of all that could have gone wrong with the surgery.

When they finally slid the tube up my throat and out of my face, I was on a liquid diet the first two days, then given a slightly more complex diet to follow for awhile at home. I was discharged after 5 days.

But it wasn’t over. Two days home, I was chilling on the couch with some jello in my surgical dressing and abdominal binder, when my incision EXPLODED with about a half-pint of sticky brown liquid…scentless thank god. My clothes soaked in disgustingness, we rushed back to the hospital, and I was given IV antibiotics for the infection. And another night in the hospital for observation.

Please please chew your food, or learn to make yourself vomit if you ever happen to swallow a giant whole almond. The total price for that one almond was over $150,000 before insurance. With a hearty helping of public fart & shit analysis, and a bit of medical PTSD on the side.

(TL;DR: Swallowed a whole almond on accident, ended up with a six-figure hospital bill.)