Today, my husband’s mom died.
As a bit of a background: my husband is deployed. Due to this, I was the person notified of his mom’s death instead of him. We also have a chihuahua (Gilligan) whose health is declining (relevant).
It was morning for me when I was informed of my MIL’S passing (she died in her sleep), but due to time differences, it was the middle of the night for my DH. I messaged DH to give me a call as soon as he was able. Several hours later, he calls.
I will be honest: I had no idea how to tell him. They werent close; we were soft no contact with her. But she was still his mom so telling him was more difficult than I anticipated.
DH picked up on the energy and asked me, “Did Gilligan die or something?”
And I blurted out, “No, but your mom did.”
I feel so bad about it. But he is doing alright. He is processing her death well and already over his siblings squabbling over her assets (not sure if she had a will). He finds the humor in it but will definitely use this to dig me in my ribs about when he gets home đŤ
TLDR: I informed my husband of his mom’s death by responding to his question of if our dog died with “no, but your mom did.”
Comments
Reminds me of when I had to tell my mom her BIL died. My dad was distraught and all I could get out when my mom finally made it to my place was âyou need to call dad, Mick diedâ
A stumble, not really a fuck up, especially as well as heâs taking it.
Why shouldnât he? Itâll be a nice inside joke.
No, not the gentle, tactful way you wanted to tell him I’m sure, but honestly? Kind of hilarious. I’m sure when he thinks back on this moment, he’ll find something to smile about amidst all of the sadness.
I feel bad for laughing; this is totally something I would do.
Hahaha.. my guess is that you layed out a plan how to tell him in your head and then he comes around and asks about the dog and derails everything.. classic.
Oh and sorry for your loss and hopefully the dog at least makes it through that difficult time.
Everyone is telling you it’s okay, so I’ll say that I actually laughed. It’s got to be the best but absolute worst your mom joke ever told.
Better that than the text my mom got from one of her sisters.
“One down, three to go. (Name of sister)’s dead.”
Imagine waking up to that
Sorry you had to be the one to give the bad news. It sucks.
I was the one who let my Dad know his Mum, my Grandmother, had passed away. My Dad kept off the grid a bit and lived in a fairly remote area. I didnât realise when I told him that he hadnât found out. Itâs such a horrible feeling to be the one that gives the news.
At least you didn’t sing the song “sometimes I feel like a motherless child” and then ask him if that described how he was feeling!
What is DH? I assume the H means husband?
This: âHe finds the humor in it but will definitely use this to dig me in my ribs about when he gets home đŤ â makes me wish I had the kind of relationship yâall do. : ) sounds like he completely understands and knows you meant well (so not really a fuck up) but wonât miss an opportunity to give u shit.
I got an email that my grandfather died bc my mom was too busy at work to call me.
Yep. She didn’t even take a break when her own father died.
I feel like the severity of this depends on the tone
No… but… your mom did…
No, but your mom did!
A friend asked me recently (and she ADORES my cat), is Cat even still alive??? Like she meant she hadnât seen him in a while. And I said â⌠no.â
It was only like a month ago that he passed, and even at his (very advanced) age it felt really sudden, so I just had to answer honestly. I then immediately apologized, but the loss is still so real that I didnât even think to say anything else.
Itâll be fine. Heâll have, and youâll have, a joke about it, and thatâs not the worst thing to happen.
Maybe not the best way to tell someone, no, but it does feel like itâs needs a âba dum tssâ as the end.
Retired military here. If you contact the Red Cross regarding his momâs death and provide husbands unit info they will work their magic to help him be able to attend the funeral.
What is a DH though?
A very similar thing happened to me.
My best friend was in the army and stationed in a different state than me and her mother. Her mother was unwell and I was her caretaker.
One day, her mother took the dog out, fell, and hit her head in the pavement, and unfortunately passed.
I was called and asked to collect the dog and was told by the police to not alert my friend as there is a process they must follow through the army to tell her.
I didn’t say anything to her all day, but by 8pm she hadn’t called me so I knew she didn’t know.
Now, she was always very busy, so while we texted a lot, I almost never called her. Today I called her, she answered the phone and jokingly said “what’s up, is my mom dead?”
And I had no idea what to say…so I just said “um…. I’m sorry, yes…”
And I felt like such a piece of shit, but also what else was I supposed to say?!
The police never did contact her in the end.
“I’m sorry to call you at this late hour. I could have called earlier, but your mom wasn’t dead then”.
About 15 years ago, one of my mums best friends called and asked for some help – her husband had collapsed at home.
He didn’t make it. So, the friend rang his employer and apologised for him not showing up that morning. They asked of he was okay, and would he be back in for his next shift?
“Well, no. He’s dead!” And hung up. My mum tried so hard to stifle a laugh at the way she said it. Friend didn’t remember it, but did also have a good laugh about it later. Sadly, we lost her a couple of years after that to cancer.
In April 2021, my dad was in hospice in British Columbia due to advanced kidney failure. I live in Manitoba. Knowing that he didnât have a lot of time left, I arranged to come visit him (which took some time, due to it being the height of COVID, plus I had to get permission from my job). I scheduled my flight for April 21st and called the hospice on the 19th so that I could let them know. As soon as I identified myself on the phone, the hospice worker said âOh, did (dadâs neighbour) call you?â. Puzzled, I said âNo, why?â.
âBecause your dad died an hour ago.â
And thatâs how I learned my dad was gone.
You did your best in an awful situation, you didnât maliciously throw the info at him. His question threw you a bit, so your response was off the cuff from that. You didnât fuck up, you were human. Iâm so sorry for both of your loss, and hope that good memories help with your grief.
I got my first cat when I was four. She was the running the neighbor catâs litter and I begged and pleaded to get her. She was a very good cat.
17 years later, I came home from college for spring break. I walked in the door and the first thing dad said to me was, âI disposed of your cat today.â
She was old and in failing health, and I knew her time was short. I had hoped to see her one last time and maybe take her to the vet myself. Nope.
Thanks dad.
Iâm sure he preferred to hear it from you, however it came out. There is no right way. No FU here. He is lucky to have you care about him the way you do.
Tragedy plus time equals comedy.
my dad drove to my apartment at 5 am to tell me my mother died. they had been divorced twenty years at this point. he had to tell me because we lived nearby each other and my phone was on silent so my siblings couldnt get a hold of me.Â
after he tells me, thereâs an awkward silence because dad doesnt do emotional support very well, and i had some drama with my mother around the time, so it was taking a minute to process.
he decides to lighten the mood, i guess, and tell me about a lady he met and had been dating. it was going well apparently, and he let the joke slip:
âlooks like youll be getting a new mommyâŚshit.â
he caught himself right at the end of the sentence and began apologizing frantically.
i held up my hand and said âitâs alright. these things happenâŚ.to you. a lot.â
he meant well, but wow, i have yet to see someone put their foot in their mouth so hard.
heâs dead too now.Â
My junior year of high school I was watching the 6 am news and learned that my Uncle Jack was killed in an accident. I run into my momâs room and she says, âyeah, they called me last night.â I was awake so I heard the phone ring, but to be fair she probably didnât think it would be on the news. Later that day I ask if there are arrangements so I could get my uniform from the firehouse (we were both volunteer firefighters) and she said, âNo, they are trying to plan his and Uncle Franks funerals around each other.â Thatâs how I learned that Uncle Frank also passed away the same day.
But, a few months later she bursts in my room at 7am on a Saturday screaming âBJ died!â Now BJ was the name of my neighbor and one of my best friends, so I immediately think he was hit by a car or something. What Iâm not thinking is that her boyfriendâs dog is also named BJ. Guess which one died?
I’m not really close with my mom either, it wouldn’t bother me to find out this way.
When my grandmother died, my dad called me and said âcan you come home?â And I did, and he told me my brother was going to see her in the hospital. I assumed that meant she was actively dying, and so for like two hours we were all just sitting on the couch silently watching tv until my mom said âIâm surprised [brother] went to go see grandma even though sheâs already gone.â
I said âwait, grandmaâs dead?â I legit thought she was still alive because my dad didnât say that she died!!
We all looked at each other for a few seconds and then burst out laughing because it was yet another instance of my dad not communicating well and me not understanding what should have been implied
It was a sad day but a funny moment and something we joke about years later
IMy dad had been steadily deteriorating from cancer for awhile and we also had an elderly dog. We had a dark joke in the family of who was going to go first (Dad would joke about it too). I live abroad and had my phone on at all times expecting a call on one or the other. Dad went first, but doggo followed the month after.
One time my mother in law texted me and my husband when we were at work and it said âbrother died: I will tell you when funeral isâ we thought it was my husbands brother, it was his uncle but it will still a weird text!
When my father died, the day before he had been having the glory âlast dayâ and of course we didnât know at the time. Heâs been doing better for about a week at that point. Monday came and he worsened and within a few hours he was dead. We were all in the grieving room, and then as we were released, (heâd been dead about 30 minutes probably) my brother called me. He hadnât flown down when my dad got sick, so he called to check in.
He says âhey just calling to see how dad is doing.â And I blurt out numbly âheâs dead.â
My brother is an absolute dick but I still feel bad for how I said it. I didnât mean to, I was in shock, but still.
Don’t kick yourself on how you delivered the news. Your response probably softened the blow for him as you mentioned he found humor in it instead of reacting in anger.
When my husband and I first started dating, we had dogs. My dog was staying with my parents in another state as I didn’t have the time to care for him with my college class load. My husband’s dog was living with his mom as it was his childhood dog growing up. She was 17 and was scheduled for euthanasia.
The day of his dog’s euthanasia, I get a phone call from my parents who told me they had to put my dog down suddenly due to a freak accident. I was BAWLING my eyes out after the call.
What does my husband do? He hugs me and holds me close to comfort me. He then proceeds to say: “If it makes you feel better, I have my dog for another 45 minutes”
I just stop crying immediately and look him dead in the eyes. He realized what he had said and how he said it and immediately tried to backtrack to explain himself, stammering over every word. I couldn’t help but start laughing hysterically.
He felt so awkward like he had messed up and felt bad about it obviously but I couldnt help at laugh at his awkward delivery of trying to comfort me. It was definitely not your traditional method of comforting someone, but it drastically helped soften the blow to the news I was given.
Jimmy heads out on vacation and asks his brother Carl to take care of his cat for him. While away, he calls his brother to see how everything is going.
âYour catâs deadâ his brother says.
âYou canât just blurt it out like that Carl!â screams Jimmy, âYou gotta soften the blow – tell me the catâs on the roof and you canât get him down. Then you tell me he fell off and died. That way my heart can prepare itself.â
âAh, got it. Okâ says Carl.
A few days go by and Carl calls Jimmy up.
âHey Jimmyâ says Carl
âWhatâs up?â replies Jimmy
âMomâs on the roof.â
My brother-in-law got the task of informing me of my father’s passing. Ended up that I was at work and he found me there and called me. A coworker sees me walking away from the phone and tells me to cheer up it can’t be that bad, my answer. Yes it is, we’ll talk later. She started tickling me insisting that it can’t be that bad and I said my dad just died. I have a weird sense of humor it took her a second to realize that I was not joking. She said that I needed her now, totally puzzled how an older woman could replace my dad. I just kept walking and she said her day job is a travel agent. (a necessity in pre-Internet days)
When my step dad passed away , I was given the news by a phone call from a neighbor while I was at work â You need to get home right now â â dude whats wrong Iâm at workâ ââname of step dadâ is Deadâ and he hung up.. I called my then girlfriend picked her up at our house and drove to my momâs place for the rest of the night.
There’s no good way to deliver this news. My ex was in the ER when his dad passed away. He’d been on hospice, so we were kind of waiting for the call anyway. In any case, it was like 3am. We’d been in the ER for almost 12 hours, and he needed to be admitted, but there were no rooms, so we were basically camped out there. My husband was sleeping, and I was doing my best with a little chair they’d given me, and then my phone rang. It was my sister in law, and I could hear my mother in law in the background yelling/crying “Don’t tell him yet! He can’t handle the stress right now!” My SIL yelled back, “I’m not telling him, I’m telling [my name], and she can decide how to tell him.” The burden of being a spouse, I guess. I gave her my condolences and thanked her for letting me know. My husband was still sleeping soundly, so I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew he’d want to know sooner rather than later, but should I wake him? What do I say exactly? He was in the hospital for what turned out to be a stroke, so I wasn’t sure he’d even be lucid. He’d been all over the place mentally while we’d been there. Would he be mad if I waited until he was awake? How long might that be? While I was pondering my options, a nurse came in to do vitals and she woke him up. After seeing him interact with her, I could tell he was lucid, so after she left I said, “Hey, your sister called me a little while ago.” And he said, “Yeah?” At that point I think he knew, because there was no other reason she’d call either one of us in the middle of the night. The look in his eyes told me he was bracing for it. So then I said, “Your dad just passed away.” I couldn’t think of any gentler way to tell him. There’s nothing words can do to take away pain like that, so you just have to say it.
If you didnât it would have eventually filtered down thru the chain of command to him. Better he got it from you than an impersonal âsorry for your lossâ
Better than finding out your mom is dead by doing a “locate” on her phone, to find it at a tow yard
Her mom left her house on NYE a few years ago, to buy some champagne and drop it off at her sisters.
After a few hours friend called sister to see when Mom was coming back.
Sister says Mom was never here. Her bf did the locate mom’s phone and located to find it at the tow yard. They call the police, police say she is at X hospital.
They go to hospital, get the run around for a few hours – turns out Mom was in the morgue the entire time – DOA
Turns out Mom went to the grocery store and had a widowmaker heart attack sitting in the car, luckily parked. Guy parks next to her sees her sitting weird, but thinks maybe she is on the phone or something. An hour later he comes back out and she is still sitting the same way. He calls 911.
Their mom had died about 15 minutes after leaving my friends house. Her phone was unlocked and the hospital had my friend as an emergency contact – nobody bothered calling the family.
A long time ago, I had a dog named Sammy who was the best dog in the universe. Our relative, Sandy, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. You can see where this is going.
When I called my dad and told him âSandy died,â he freaked out and exclaimed, âSammy died?!! Oh my god!!!â When I explained it was Sandy, not Sammy, he breathed a sigh of relief and said, âoh ok. Phew.â
đ
I don’t see anything wrong with this. It wasn’t insensitive and your husband didn’t seem to have a problem with it.
Vet here. You did this about as well as you could have.
I had an emergency/loss while deployed, and just ripping the band-aid off at an appropriate time so you can process it before duty is the best approach.
Momâs up on the roof and I canât get her down.
OP: âNo, but your mom did!â
Omgoodness đ
That’s pretty hilarious as long as he shares you sense of humor, which seems he might.
Don’t beat yourself up.
honestly the delivery was chaotic but lowkey iconic⌠if heâs already joking about it, you probably gave him the exact kind of weird comfort he needed đŤ
My paternal grandmother passed away on my dad’s birthday in 2022. My dad called my sister to let her know and upon answering the call, my sister immediately started singing happy birthday. When she finished my dad said, “thaaaanks honey… Grandma died.” She still hasn’t stopped with the immediate birthday song over the phone and the jokes will never stop đ
Glad your husband is taking it well!!
Def not the greatest way to say it, but tbh I laughed. Yes Iâm a horrible person. đ
It was far better for your husband to learn the news through you sending him a message through the American Red Cross. While it would have been his boss and chaplain to break the news. Itâs not the same as hearing it personally from a loved one.
Well if you lose the dog while heâs deployed, donât start the message with, âRemember when I told you about your mom dying and you thought it was the dog? WellâŚ.. this timeâŚâŚ. â
He has access to a chaplain or equivalent if things get rough for him. Dont be too down on yourself about it theres no easy way to tell someone that.
I’m not contact with one of my sisters (call her A), when our other sister’s dad died I had to call A, she answered with “who died” and I responded with his name, thought I’d let you know, k bye. The rest of the family laughed she was mad. Can’t help it, these things happen. Also sister’s dad was youngish and we thought in good health so it was a shock to everyone that he had a heart attack.
This isn’t a TIFU. You told your husband news.
I got that same call in 2011, regardless of distance to his mom relationship wise, please be there for him.
That’s… hilarious.
I mean, it’s terrible, and I’m so sorry you both have to go through that.
But you simply can’t write a perfectly imperfect delivery like that.
Oh no lol. I guess you werenât sure how to break the news and he gave you an opening. Glad he took it ok. I bet you will laugh about this sometime down the road (if you guys have a twisted sense of humour like me )
I had to tell my husband his dad died. He was in the Middle East on his first job after retiring from the Air Force. He knew his dad was terminal, but it was still gut wrenching to break the news.
Not going to lie, Iâd probably laugh a little. Not to be mean, but because what else can you do?
Sad news, but honestly thereâs no good way to deliver this kind of news. You went for immediate reassurance about your dog still being alive, and since you guys were soft NC with her thereâs probably a little less expectation of tact than if he was super close to her.
You did the best you could in that situation. In time hopefully it becomes something you can laugh about.
At least you didn’t say, “Not yet, but your mom did.”
When my father died I received a call around 11pm from my mother after I said hello she said “I don’t know how to tell you this but your dad’s dead.”
I was a bit flabbergasted by the way she said it, but ultimately the way doesn’t mean much compared to the actual event that has occurred.
The bluntness probably isn’t bad thing either. Leaves no room for question lol.
Telling people about death is really hard. When my sister passed I had to let her ex fiancĂŠ she was still close with know. I called and while it was ringing I was thinking how I was going to share this news, so that when he answered I was almost caught off guard. By instinct I started the call like I always would by saying hey âMikeâ in a cheery voice and then remembered why I was calling and mid way through his name my tone dropped in a really weird way to try to get to somber. Sometimes your instincts and natural way of talking kicks in even when you donât want it to.
My mom passed when I was 19. She and I had been estranged for about 6 years when she passed away. I was taking a break outside work and my uncle pulls up.
“Hey! Your mom died last night. I figured you’d want to hear it from me before someone else.” Then he drive off.
Well at least he didnât find out from a Facebook post like someone I know đ
Crazy how families mean fuck all to people until they pass and it’s time to see what you can grab from there house and anything left over.
My family who I’m estranged too completely fell apart due to this, its so fucking sad.
Hubbyâs mom passed away while a coworker friend was on vacation. Friend came back and asked hubby how his mom was doing. Hubby in grief told friend: âsheâs still deadâ. (Autism be likeâŚ)
Before friend moved overseas we adopted their cat. Fast forward a couple of years. Friend called hubby to say âhiâ and check in on the family. âHowâs the wife, the kidsâ, etc. Then, âHowâs the cat?â Hubby: âheâs still deadâ. Cat had been an escape artist and was killed by a coyote. Friend: âyou donât get to do that to me twice in the same lifetime!â
I must not be on Reddit enough. I was expecting “DH” to mean “Dead Husband”.
Reminds me of the time our family dog died while we were on vacation. My grandma called my parents and said, “I picked up your mail and your dog is dead.” I think she felt bad and just wanted to rip off the bandaid since there was nothing she could do. Fucking hilarious delivery though. I mean…not at the time, but now it just makes me laugh.
ER/ICU nurse here⌠IMO it doesnât really matter how it gets said. People are going to react how theyâre going to react regardless of how they find out. The only caveat to that being denial. Sometimes if you donât actually say the words â(insert name) has died,â people will not process the information.
I donât think your response was inappropriate. It was direct, truthful, and not disrespectful. Clearly, heâd already anticipated that something bad had happened. IMO, you saved him from unnecessary pain by getting right to the point.
OK, I know you didnât mean it to come out like that butâŚ.this is hilarious. Not his momâs passing but your delivery. Each time I think about it I start laughing all over again. đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
My husband told me a dead grandma joke right after we met, knowing my grandma raised me. When his cat died, I had to force myself not to use the punchline to to tell him. After I told him I’d planned to, he said he wished I had.
I expected this to be far worse.
I once came home from work after a bad day. My lovely wife asked me, “What happened, did you get fired?”, thinking that I couldn’t get fired from the company that I owned a share of. It turns out, I had indeed been laid off. She felt pretty crappy about it.
I started my own company now, and she doesn’t give me shit about it. Now I like to joke that my new boss is a real asshole.
If he is US military, get an official Red Cross notification sent and he may be a me to come home for the services. Not sure about other countries.
No worse than how my POS father told me my mother died. I was still living at home (age 20) (mom had cancer) was asleep in my room. Well Dear old dad barges into my room and says “Wake up , your mother’s dead.” Then walks out of my room leaving me to process the info while walking up .
Ok, I have to admit I laughed. I also have my bf deployed, and he was anxious about it because during his last deployment, his dog died. For this one, he’s been worried his cat would be next. I reassured him all the animals would be fine, and then a month later, our newer elderly rescue died suddenly. He was sad, but later told me his next thought was, “oh thank god it wasn’t Kitty.”
Sometimes we deal with things weird. Hugs to you, your husband, and Gilligan.
Honestly blurting is legitimate. Itâs a shit job to have, I had to be the one to call my parents (overseas) about my brothers death and I think the first words out of my mouth were brother is dead.
Hope itâs all ok, and at least he can find some humor in it â¤ď¸
Damn, you flawlessly turned your delivery into a Your Mom joke. Thatâs kindaaaa awesome. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
Nah but for real, Iâm sorry for your guysâ loss and I hope you can be back together soon to grieve with each other. Much love! â¤ď¸
This is horrible but a friend found out about another friendâs passing because he texted him
âWhat, are you dead?â
Dear reader he was, in fact, dead. đ
One day, maybe, youâll laugh about it. Sorry for your loss, thank you for your service.
I guarantee he’s laughing at the absurdity and using that as something of a crutch. Let it die down (phrasing?) and give a genuine condolence message next time you talk. You’ll both live and be fine, unlike his mom.
For the readers: contact Red Cross when possible to help communicate a death in the family to service members over seas. They can help facilitate the communication and coordinate the trip home (emergency leave, resources, etc)
You had to do it, there’s never a good way to say these things when put on the spot. And it’d be worse if you held off. Go well.
I found out my grandmother died because my dad added the funeral date to the family shared calendar (I was on vacation & she was 99 so never unexpected really)
I found out my dad had died by FaceTiming my mum to ask how he was (he was palliative & I flew half way round the world to see him but they insisted I go back home for my sons bday). My mum had been crying & chatted about how sheâd been talking to the palliative team & I was like âoh mum I know the next few days are so hard, but howâs dad, is he awake for me to say hi?â And she said âoh he died an hour ago did your husband not tell youâ sheâd text my husband âhow the fuck do I tell herâ but due to the time difference he was asleep still
Heâd previously also alerted my entire family to then unannounced pregnancy by texting the family thread instead of my personal one about coming to my scan so a phone-pas felt appropriate really
What is a DH?
Here’s how you do it:
A guy was going on a business trip, and he asked his neighbor to watch his house, water his plants and take care of his beloved cat, he’d had since childhood.
Everything is going well, and the man calls home. ” Everything is going great here, how’s things there?”
” Your cat is dead. ”
” What?! Dude! You can’t just SAY it like that! I’ve had him my entire life!”
” So what should I say?”
” I dunno man, say that the cat got out, and he climbed on the roof, and fell jumping to the tree before the firemen could get there to save him, or something. Fuck.”
” You’re right man, I’m sorry. I’ll do better.”
” Good. Ok. Thank you. Is anything else going on?”
” … Your Grandma got out of the house and climbed on the roof…”
In two years you’ll be laughing about this.
I work in a factory with hand held radios for communication. One night security calls over the radio “does anyone know (name)? His dad died and he needs to call his wife”. If he wasn’t carrying a radio, he might not have heard it. But damn, security.
Damn if you had of dropped it like a highschool kid it would have been great. At 39 I still drop your mom jokes. They never get old. Like your husband’s mom