I had two roommates, and one of my roommates just moved out. We had a cheap-looking artificial Christmas tree in the living room area that had been sitting there since Christmas. I never asked anyone anything about it, I assumed it had been set up just for Christmas and was forgotten. Because I’m the sort of person who would leave things out for ages out of executive dysfunction, I thought that was the case for the Christmas tree. I also assumed it belonged to the roommate who just moved out. So I threw it out.
Wrong, wrong and wrong. It was intentionally kept there, costed hundreds of dollars and it belonged to my other roommate. I already had conflict with said roommate: I would leave dishes in the sink and only stopped doing it when she yelled at me, and I had broken her ice tray and didn’t tell her. She was (understandably) extremely pissed off at me after the ice tray incident and I hadn’t talked to her since, except when it was about bills.
This has been yet another incident where my conflict avoidant behavior only causes more anguish. I’ve been fired from jobs because I was terrified of asking for help, dropped out of classes because I embarrassed myself in front of everyone, lost friends because I didn’t want to disappoint them, refused a university transfer offer because it would have required living with my (not exactly abusive but very strained) parents for a few months before moving to the campus, stolen food because I was scared of asking…it’s a serious problem. My therapist and I are working on it. It’s not just screwing me over but everyone around me.
Assuming makes an ass out of you and me.
The good news for my roommate is she’s moving out next month and won’t have to deal with me again, and I paid her back and recovered the tree (except for some ornaments that got shattered.)
TL:DR: I threw out something expensive belonging to my roommate assuming it was trash and didn’t ask her first.
Comments
Take a deep breath.
And grow a pair. They won’t grow on their own, you will need to buckle down and really focus on growing a set. Your life will not substantially improve until you make the cognizant decision to get a spine, and there is no easy way around it. Your therapist is nudging you along in the right direction, but you need to reach out and grab the life you want in a singular, decisive manner. Wallowing in your own self pity will continue indefinitely until you wake up and break the cycle.
I had to do the same. After a series of unfortunate life choices, I finally got out of bed one day, deciding to be an adult. And my life dramatically improved immediately.
You can do this.
Lesson learned. If it’s not yours, don’t do anything with it without permission
You’re in therapy, which is fantastic! However, your therapist doesn’t seem to be helping you attain the growth you’re looking for. There’s nothing written that says you can’t get a second therapist, especially if you want to focus on one specific thing, like learning how to ask questions without feeling overwhelmed by it, and letting that new get laser focused on that one thing might help you even more than a generalized therapist.
The fact that you paid your roommate back for the tree is actually good personal growth! You do deserve recognition for that! 💯
In the future for things like this once you know you’ve made the mistake, own up to it and ask “How can I make this right?” Don’t throw out ideas just let them decide. If they do ask you to pay out for your mistake and you can’t afford it right now, draw up a written contract that will outline the exact time frame it will take to do this and stick to it, even if it means a temporary personal hardship for you. It won’t be easy, you’ll likely hate every second of it, but once you see how your roommate will be happy that you took the time to not only apologize, but do what you can to fix it, you’ll feel good about out too.
I wanna know more about this tree? I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’d have thrown it out too!