So this happened 2 days ago and I’m still not sure if I’m employed or about to be a meme.
I’ve been working my ass off trying to land this job in a company I really admire. Like interviews, follow-ups, little “thank you” emails that took me 40 mins to write just to sound casual. Finally I get the call—I’m in. Job offer signed. They say “hey come meet the team, we’re going out for a welcome dinner.”
Cool. Chill. I can do this. I’ve been dreaming of this.
We get to this really fancy seafood place. I’m trying to act like I eat here all the time even tho the fanciest thing I’ve eaten this year is microwave risotto. Everyone starts ordering lobster. Like, one after another. And I’ve never had lobster in my life but I panic and go “Yeah same, I’ll have the lobster too.”
So already, I’m in deep.
Food arrives. Everyone’s got tools. Like actual plier-things and pokey sticks and some kind of seafood guillotine. I’m tryin to play it cool, watching how other ppl do it while pretending I totally know what I’m doing. I also said no to the bib they offered me like an absolute alpha idiot.
So I go in. I’m cracking and twisting and sweating. Then I go for the big claw. I grab the cracker thing and squeeze it like I’m trying to break into a safe.
The claw EXPLODES. Not like a lil pop. Like, full-on SEAFOOD GRENADE.
This massive chunk of lobster meat FLIES out—in slow motion—and lands right in my new boss’s wife’s wine glass. Merlot EVERYWHERE. It splashes up and hits her face and her white blouse and just soaks everything. Silence. Like dead, horrifying silence.
I freeze. Like I’ve just committed a seafood hate crime. I mumble “oh my god I’m so sorry” and try to dab at her blouse with a napkin which, pro tip, don’t do that. She just looks at me for like 3 seconds… then BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.
Turns out she’s always hated lobster and was lowkey terrified of it the whole dinner. She said she felt like it finally “fought back.” My boss starts laughing too. Whole table joins in. I’m red as the lobster.
Next day she posts it on IG with the caption “I got clawed by Lobster Guy” and guess what… it kinda blew up. The company’s internal Slack made a welcome meme out of me with the caption “no clawbacks on this hire.”
HR sent me a lobster bib with my name on it.
I start next week. Apparently I “made an impression.”
TL;DR: Tried to fit in at my first fancy work dinner, ordered lobster for the first time ever, launched a claw chunk into my boss’s wife’s wine, ruined her blouse, now everyone calls me “Lobster Guy.” Still got the job. Somehow.
Comments
Capitalism really is not good for us
Sounds like it all worked out well
😂 congrats
You literally made a splash 🙂 Job well done!
now everybody knows who you are. do a good job and you’re good. sometimes you gotta screw up just to get your name known.
Wow, nice happy ending!
Other a tiny lobster pin. Get lobster tie and socks. Wear them on special occasions at work.
Congratulations, you crustaceaned it!
Never order lobster if you are trying to impress…especially if any alcohol is involved.
Great story!
Way to claw into the company culture. Which sounds pretty wholesome, too.
if spun correctly, this can be an inside joke among you and your coworkers even YEARS from now lmao
Is robot.
It was nice of you to aerially share your seafood, now she knows you’re not shellfish. That’s a good way to butter her up as you claw your way to the top!
Only fuckup here was drinking Merlot with lobster.
Amazing story! Thanks for sharing!
ChatGPT again
The cheat code here is to order the lobster roll, if available. Already shucked lobster on a nice roll.
At least they know that as a coworker, you won’t be shellfish
Congrats, you’re a legend and they love you.
All I wanna say is that I’m floored just how fast generative content, and generative comments, and automated likes, are hijacking this place. WHY. It’s sad, really, to see internet dying. I guess it’s one of the I-was-here-moments, right? :/
But is lobster any good, or overrated?
Is this what “claw your way to the top” means?
This sounds amazing! Hilarious incident and the best possible outcome. Sounds like the boss’ wife and the company in general are real humans. Hire me!
Sounds like you will enjoy working there. Took it all in stride like champs.
I love this.
Damn. First thought was Hentai stuff with Octopus!!
Ya done good. Welcome aboard.
ChatGPT
That is so funny!! 😀
Forever known as the Lobster Guy. That’s how it goes.
In a Q&A with the CEO, I mindlessly said I liked his shirt before asking my question. I became known as the shirt guy
Hilarious and relatable, lol. I showed my appreciation for baby back ribs one time at a work get together for my ex-husbands work along with another wife. The owner came up to us and told us how happy it made him to see someone enjoying the food instead of nibbling politely. I was embarrassed but my ex made a huge deal about how much I embarrassed him. He apologized to the boss, and this was the owner of the company. The owner told him he was delighted we were enjoying ourselves and politely put him in his place. I still love that man and he’s dead now and no longer with the ex. Good luck in your new job and I’m glad they have a sense of humor!
thank you; it’s nearly 5pm, and this was my 1st genuine laugh of the day 😅😅
This is awesome. You just started and you already have a fun inside joke!
Own that shit – it makes you stand out and be remembered, which is gold.
My own story: I had a day-long interview with a very large software company in the Pacific Northwest. Part of it was over lunch at a local steakhouse with my future boss and co-worker. They ordered salads. I ordered a huge fuckin’ meat sandwich monstrosity, then proceeded to try to answer interview questions while eating this thing. I finished maybe 1/4 of it and took the rest in a box. I ended up getting hired and they made fun of me for it for months.
Change your name to Claud
Own it, you are now and forever the lobster guy. You need to show up to work with a Tide to go pen and some kind of lobster paraphernalia to show you face a sense of humor.
This isn’t a fuck up, its a fuck down! You endeared yourself to the powers at be. Being real with people and not acting holier than tho is a good trait to have. Live your life! Good things will follow. Good luck!
If you were in the military you probably would’ve earned your call sign like this – Lobster. It will now follow you forever.
That was a very entertaining read!
You Pretty Woman-ed the shit out of that dinner hehe (scared nobody will get the reference)
Funny enough, I don’t think you FU at all. You’re good. It sounds like you’ve found a good place to work at with that kind of humor.
But did you like the lobster?
that’s awesome
You’re good. Lean into it. They clearly have a sense of humor it’s not like you attacked her with lobster on purpose.
It’s going to take a while to live down, but I feel like this is a great ice breaker – er – shell breaker.
Dont worry, sounds like your automatically on the cool guy good for a wholesome laugh list
You’re now a legend in that office like it or not.
Do not allow anyone to call you “lobster boy”. Bad karma…google it.
Boss’s wife is the hero in this story.
You know what, like everyone else said, own that one!!! There’s worse things to be than Lobster Guy.
But take it from a dude who has had lobster for decades now – you can’t fully avoid it, and you have to have a sense of humor. I have gone for lobster with a female friend and sprayed lobster juice in her eye from across the table, she hit me with shell pieces when cracking into a claw, etc.. That’s why they give you a bib, it’s going to get messy and there’s not much way around that.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://theonion.com/just-wait-til-i-get-these-fucking-rubber-bands-off-1819583949/&ved=2ahUKEwjb64Wg6LqNAxVNMjQIHbTyBMAQFnoECB4QAQ&usg=AOvVaw2AXC5kL-YzX1Q2GkkuR18Z
You might be the newest director of seafood operations
This is the dumbest-ass chat gpt shit I’ve read in the last hour. Like why would you ask it to write this?
Use your power wisely.
LOL, been there with the fancy dinner fails! You survived the lobster gauntlet!
You have to embrace this now. Congrats on the job! Sounds like a place that’s great to work for.
I am legitimately happy for you, stranger. You got your in.
Be sure to put the lobster bib in a frame and put it on your wall. Own it.
Do you need to wear ties at work, you can get them with lobsters on it, or just a tie clip with lobsters on them and they really lean in lobsters everywhere make lobsters your thing
Yes it was truly epic!
so he has his boss’ wife’s instagram? not to even mention the writing style? please learn to distinguish GPT generated text, people 🙃