KnowIFU, to be fair.
Is there a way back from this?
I(36M) have worked with a colleague (40F) for the past 6 years. Even though she is married with children we both mutually engaged in crossing of boundaries sexting, flirting, physicality, but never sex. I’m not saying that any of this is ok, in fact I understand it is unhealthy for both of us. However, we both received something from the other, she felt desired when her husband wasn’t engaging with her and I received validation that I desperately needed. (I am in therapy and recognize wholly that my insecurity stems from rejection in childhood from my own mother and therefore I have an anxious attachment style). Despite this we did over the 6 years develop a deep friendship that I thought of as core to me, talking and sharing everyday.
Recently another guy (married with kids) at work has begun hanging around. Previously my colleague, let’s say Kim, did not like this individual. Described him as inappropriate, didn’t like his work ethic, and felt he was narcissistic. He starts to come around and spend time with her, during the work day when he is off and she is working. Now there is legitimate reason that he be around some of the time, a stipend position, but it’s alot. I begin to notice and so do others. Another person asked if they “had something going on”. I said no and then told my female colleague what was said by others, perception unfortunately can become reality. She thanked me but it seemed to create an issue, where the new male was upset that he was talked about by me.
Frankly I was jealous of him being around and there was a specific correlation between he coming around and Kim speaking/confiding in me less. Basically this has blown up because I let myself be controlled by my anxiety and insecurity and I kept pestering my friend. To be fair she did tell lies about different things, thinking she was sparing my feelings. She is avoidant attachment so she really was exasperated by me, and I was basically pushing her away by expressing my emotions. I must have made a comment to someone somewhere about “feeling uncomfortable” when he comes around and it got back to him (I think). But it’s out of context, because it’s not about him saying “hi”, after the third party made the comment, I was uncomfortable because we never cleared the air and I thought he was still mad.
I’m dying inside, my friend wants nothing to do with me and I’m not sure we’ll ever go back to being friends and remain just colleagues.
TL:DR Insecurity led to loving the wrong person, ruining our friendship and I’m not sure it will or should go back.