Ok so. I have a friend who is quite rich. Recently we spoke about things, work, moving house, etc. and he mentioned how much money he got off his work. Another friend made a joke how he could buy out houses.
My rich friend seemed confused at this. And we explained how much we make, how much we spend, etc. and he seemed shook. Legit now feeling ashamed of himself. He went to call someone, maybe an assistant, or something.
We all assumed he was joking, turns out he wasn’t and he found out how much others make. He seemed genuinely shocked and ashamed of himself. Now panicking and feeling as if he fucked up our friendship. He thinks he’s an asshole. Ignorant. Etc. And was panicking. We tried to help but getting him to play video games with us but he seems to not be able to keep his mind off it.
No one believes it. No one thinks less of him. We all care for him but he Just can’t stop worrying about it all. He feels he offended us and is now freaking out.
I feel that… it may also be my fault. When I first heard how much he made I was shocked, I knew he was rich but still, I made comments on how much I had a month, what I used it for, etc. which seemed to worsen his realization. Maybe if I had stopped the conversation before hand, maybe he wouldn’t be in such a state.
TL;DR: rich friend realized he was ignorant of how his other friends lived and is freaking out worried he ruined the friendship. We all told him no, but he is still freaking out.
I feel maybe if I was more gentle and took it mroe seriously at the start I could have stopped it before he started panicking and descending
(Good news is friends are talking to him but I admit I worry.)
Comments
I mean just try talking to him and fix stuff ,looks like that was realy a shock to him ,but that isnt the type of thing to end a friendship
He sounds like a good guy.
Today you gave someone a reality check.
Where’s the fuck up?
Don’t think anyone fucked up. It’s good for him to have perspective on how others live and maybe at this moment it’s a bit of a shock but I think he’ll come around soon. It’s ok to talk about stuff like this even though it can be hard
Honestly. Dude sounds super humble. Usually rich people know very well how much more they earn than the scrubs below them. It’s refreshing that he genuinely seems concerned.
Did you have to explain the word groceries to him?
Poetry is like the truth. No one likes to hear the truth either.
How was that a mess up? You enlightened them, it made them self-aware, and your friendship is probably going to survive. It sounds like they appreciated the revelation. It’s a win.
Oh no, he has perspective now!
How horrible!
There is rarely anything wrong with a good dose of reality.
He’ll have some adjustment time and you all will need to simply go on as usual so he realizes he hasn’t offended anyone.
Kinda nice to hear that he DOES have a concern about treating others poorly. Particularly being worried about doing so inadvertently.
Sounds like a stand up guy to me.
Give him some time.
Don’t try to lessen the lesson.
Treat him like the only thing that has changed is his understanding of the bigger world.
A private plane? Larry, I’m on Ducktales
How rich is he? Did you find out your friend makes $300k, or did you find out he’s a multi millionaire?
This is a chance for him to be better and understand how others live. Don’t let him withdraw, help him understand and use the compassion he obviously has.
I doubt you ruined the friendship. If the friendship wasn’t something that was important to him, I doubt this would have affected him so much in the first place. Give him a bit of time to work through things, and make it clear that it’s not something that you hold against him, and that he never made you feel bad or lesser in any way. I’m sure things will work out.
Are you allowing yourself to be manipulated? He feels guilty and yall keep reassuring him?? This is so weird.
Your friend sounds like an absolute baby
Unless he has generational wealth, and he worked the family business, I think it’s not a person is this out of touch. My friend grew up quite rich, but he worked the same shit jobs I did and made minimum wage. His parents supplementing his income made him a bit out of touch, but he knew the cost of things and realized what was expensive or not. It just didn’t apply to him. Like his Xbox 360 getting red ring just before the new halo, so he’ll use bought a new one.
I mean he was ignorant to his blind spots. It’s good for him to wake up to other people’s realities. It’s not your job to make him feel comfortable. Sometimes growth stings.
The mother of an ex of mine came from old money. She was once driving through a normal suburban neighborhood and her mom asked if the houses were workers’ summer cottages. She had to explain that no, in fact these are people’s houses
Isn’t this an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S?
I have a rich friend. Like, OG social media money. But at the end of the day, he’s just a dude. Bakes his own bread, plays smash with the boys, deals with human shit. Your friend will adjust. Just keep on treating him like one of the fellas. Give him some ribbing, but not about money. Too many people place too much value on wealth, and not enough on real friendship.
It’s ok. Sometimes people need to learn, and it is not always easy. You are all still supportive of him. He should be ok
Nah, not a fuckup.
I am in a weird spot among my friends. I am either much richer, or much poorer than everyone I know. It is a spectacular feeling of rotating awkwardness, where I in one chat talk with a friend that is juggling “heating or eating”, and in a different chat can talk with someone that has spent a ton of money on a holiday.
What this has given me is a place of feeling fortunate, and at the same time learning about investments and savings. I have also ended up as the middle link, nudging people from social layers together where it is possible.
Not sure what I am trying to say here, but… my 2 cents? Do not use him, but let him be useful, without letting that change things. If he is as rich as it sounds like? 100 for a powerbill for a friend in need is the same for him as you giving someone a dollar for getting some water on a warm day. Treat it accordingly. Don’t ask, don’t whine about not having money for luxuries, but if he wants to help out? Don’t turn it into a big deal. Cause for his wallet? It probably isn’t.
A proper response if one is disturbed by one’s own wealth is to contribute to a charity or other nonprofit, either financially or in volunteer labor. There are many fantastic ones.
Is he self made rich by working a good job or did he come from a rich family?
Sounds like you did him a favor.
Haha. He must have been in corporate for a long time, with friends who are also mostly in corporate. I can see why someone like that wouldn’t be aware of what it’s like to live like a normal person.
He seems genuinely regretful of his ignorance and definitely cares.
The fact that this has even upset him is evidence he’s a good person and a keeper as a friend. Idk, let him have his feelings, it’s fine
We hired on a new guy in the office, he was 22 when he started last fall straight out of college. He’s definitely from a well off family. The kind that paid for his tuition, a nice first car, his apartment etc. A few of us were just chatting with him busting his balls jokingly about it after he told us of his families month long vacation to Mexico. He started to get a bit embarrassed but we told him it’s really no big deal, most of us shop guys aren’t well off and another office guy is also pretty affluent. Everyone comes from different walks of life but we’re all working for the same company, just different pay and work
How can he not know? I have friends that work in advertising that make 150-250k. They are not assuming a social media manager or whatever makes 100k
But does your friend know what “groceries” are?
It’s one banana, Michael, how much could it cost? 10 dollars?”
Just tell him, “You know what you know when you know it. Ignorance is forgivable because ignorance is where we ALL start. It’s what you do with that knowledge that determines whether you’re a good person or not.”
Reminds me of this:
https://youtu.be/4RjWTEqJiMI?si=_h-VwQsH1q_zGNlm
Jk but seems like he’s a good guy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RjWTEqJiMI
what will help him deal with things most likely, is if you ease up on the “talk” stuff, and just encourage him to keep doing stuff with you like you have been before.
He sounds like a genuinely good friend and obviously you and the others are great as well. You may have to reassure him, maybe more than once that yall friendship was never based on his wealth and obviously he was friends with you guy never thinking about that aspect. Help him refocus on why you all are good friends and continue from there.
I think that it’s good you guys brought him down to earth. He’d grow up to be a smug asshole assuming everyone has it good.
I’m assuming he earned his place and deserves the money he earns.
But you can’t be blind to the little people
Are we feeling sorry for rich people now? Are we at the point we need to be careful to not make them feel bad for being richer than the majority? Do we really need to pretend a grown adult does not realize not everyone is swimming in money?
What’s his figure? Lol
This wasn’t a fuck-up. You genuinely helped this man. Could the execution have been better? Sure. But it’s important for him to understand his and everyone’s situation.
I dunno how well off he is but if he’s freaking out that much it might be quite well off. No shame in making good money but it may reset his priorities on how he spends his money and he may realize he has a lot of influence in his community to make things better.
Maybe I’m just being optimistic but I think this was a good wakeup for him.
Tell him he was naiive but, he can change, this may give him some thing to work for instead of just telling him he did nothing wrong
Just tell him to cover the bar tab here and there to make up for it lol
Yeah, I had to alert a friend of a few ways they didn’t realize they were giving themselves away as being much wealthier than they pretended to be. They were extremely apologetic and concerned that they might’ve given offense at some point.
It’s okay. Your friend should settle down in time.
If he continues to feel truly guilty, maybe encourage him to set up a scholarship fund at a local college or university to help someone else get a better chance at life. Or donate food to a shelter.
Doesn’t have to be a huge amount.
Your friend just realized life is unfair and is ashamed of being on the “good” end of it, those of us who went through hard times learnt to accept this long ago, but he never had this realization. It will take some time to process, but he will accept. Just tell him that you don’t envy him and you are satisfied with your own life, and if he feels guilty about being “one of the lucky ones” he simply needs to enjoy it and enrich (not monetarily) the lives of the people he shares his life with, rich or poor, if you are good to those around you within your means and have an open heart, without being an enabler of bad people, I think you deserve all the good that comes your way.
You’re probably fine. Honesty is always best.
I grew up working class and took loans for university. I had frat bros with millions in trust funds. It’s only a big deal if you make it one.
Don’t expect them to pick up the bar tab. Pay your own way. But they’ll typically be happy to share experiences if you’re not a total mooch. (E.g. parents lake house, boat, ski condo, etc.)
I make a lot more now and worked my way through MBA on top of tech background and live a good lifestyle. Some friends have a lot more (usually due to inheritance); most now have less.
The difference will come full circle when I retire lavishly before most of my friends.
Remind home that he doesn’t need to buy the drinks
He will be fine.
I had little to no money for most of my early life and lived hand to mouth late teens to late 20’s. Im mid 40’s now and doing well, not rich but above average. I no longer have day to day money concerns, and sometimes its hard to remember that friends and acquaintances may have those day to day concerns. I try to be conscious of the fact that not everyone is in my position becuase ive been there. Your friend sounds like a good person who has just never had money problems. It’s probably a big mental adjustment that will take a little time to work through. Don’t make a big deal out of it and it should pass.
How old are you guys ?
No, this was a good means of expanding his worldview and there’s no one better to inform him than his friends. Him finding out now is better than finding out as a result of keeping the company of people he shouldn’t trust.
This is the story of Buddha
He sounds like kind of a moron.
Sounds like he had a moment during which your friend’s veil of ignorance was lifted. This is about him realizing his prejudices and ideas beforehand were in error, less about whether you were responsible for doing it in a manner that might have made it less shocking or whatever. It is a good thing, because now he knows.
How rich? like how much per year?
As someone who has been better off than his friend group for most of his life , there’s a certain shame and guilt that comes with it, like we have this thing that everyone is grinding their asses for, people who are our friends. I am scared that my friends resent me sometimes even tho I kno they don’t.
If you want him to feel better jus tell him you think he’s a good guy and a good friend, you enjoy hanging with him , you don’t resent him
And also that he shouldn’t resent himself or his situation either, you bust his balls about it but that’s all secondary to your friendship
Just tickle him. He’ll be alright again
A rich guy with empathy, he just didn’t know to apply said empathy.
Stick with him, in the end your being there will help him level back out. And if he’s responsible for peoples paychecks, you just made those peoples lives better in the long run.
It’s not your fault and not necessarily even his. It’s our current jacked up disgusting culture that makes people feel like trash for being remotely successful. It’s crabs in a bucket bringing down the rest of us.
He’s really sweet lol. I had a rich friend who complained she had to do laundry on vacation while I worked 6 days a week lol
How rich is he?
no, he needed to hear that
Rich people really aren’t self aware because they rarely have to be. He’s one of the good ones. Instead of telling you to work harder or whatever he began to self reflect. Y’all are gonna be alright.
Please don’t worry. This doesn’t sound like you fucked up at all.
It doesn’t seem like you ruined his day, or your friendship. It’s good that he wants to exercise compassion and consideration for you all, so think of it as helping him through this sudden realization.
How much?
Looks like your friend just needed a perspective of how the rest of the world lives sooner or later.
I can’t understand being so rich that you don’t realize everyone else isn’t also rich. I know people can be out of touch but that’s inconceivable.
Has he ever read a newspaper? Or a book? I find it hard to believe anyone can make out to adulthood without getting a sense of what the average yearly pay is at least in one’s city —especially someone who hangs out with the unwashed masses. Maybe he only looks at the paper for the polo scores and to catch up on Gasoline Alley, I dunno.
There is a guy on TikTok and this is his thing. Check out @richtrosales Rich Rosales. He had some skits just like what you are talking about OP.
It’s not your fault.
I mean, talk it out, reassure him that you’re still good/your opinion of him hasn’t changed, etc.
But this isn’t about you.
I’m assuming this person has always been financially comfortable/stable & the fact that other people (incl. people he’s close to) are not in the same position probably isn’t something he has ever thought about in any meaningful way.
Until now.
I mean the ultra rich should feel shame about their wealth in relation to the rest of the people of the world so at least he has some level of self awareness.
What he chooses to do with that information and his vast resources is ultimately up to him from this point.
maybe he can use them to make the world better and raise others up.
…or he can do a shiteload of Ketamine and wreck the US govt.
it’s a coin flip really for those types.
You didn’t fuck up. You made someone aware of their privilege and made them less ignorant.
Honestly, better he find out from friends now then stepping in it later and looking like an ass in front of complete strangers.
You guys definitely helped him avoid a “It’s a banana, Micheal….” conversation in the future.
It’ll be uncomfortable for a while, but hopefully he’ll figure it out. I’m guessing he won’t really know how to talk about some of his problems for a little bit. And you guys might not know how to talk about money stuff for a minute but you guys seem like solid group of good people.
Well, honestly he was ignorant. Now he’s not. Learn something everyday, or stay in bed. No FU here.
Ayo, bro. There’s being blessed and then there’s being elitist. They’re two different things. Your friend seems to have a good heart. Tell him that if he’s really that worried about being more fortunate than a lot of other people, that he can use some of his money to help others. Pay it forward and all.
I think the billionaires of the world are where they’re at because they decided never to put their wealth back into the people around them. Good people, generous people, never end up being billionaires for that exact reason.
P.S. I’m not telling you he needs to start giving his friends allowances, just saying that maybe he could give generous tips to waitresses and make donations to abuse shelters and such.
You are the average of your best friends.
He’s recognizing his privilege, apparently at a rather advanced age. It speaks to the quality of his character that he is responding in the way that he is, but at the same time he should not be spared from grappling with an ignorance that sounds deep enough that it must be, in at least some measure, willfull.
This is growth. Sometimes that requires painful soul searching. It is not your job to spare him that (nor is it necessarily the best thing you can do for him as his friend).
He’s upset because now he knows his friends are peasants.
You should give some number ballpark (annual, monthly or networth etc) so we can understand the scope of this story and perspective you gave him.
The fact that he instantly realized and tried to fix it is proof he’s a good guy
https://i.redd.it/aarqwygre84f1.gif
He sounds like a good guy but also seems like he grew up in an environment where ignorance isn’t tolerated. Feels like an anxiety issue.
The guy has empathy for people, his only crime is just being a little out of touch. Personally, there are much worse things he could be.
Is your friend young? Because it’s quite odd to not be aware of this information. Even not knowing your friend groups average income shouldn’t have kept him from knowing his income was way above the average amount of the rest. You said he called an assistant or something…. How is he unaware that even by simply having an assistant to call puts his income likely high above the rest, assuming you all do not have assistants?
Been there with awkward money talks! Maybe just say you were joking and vibe it out?
Doesn’t sound like a bad person, but a little perspective doesn’t hurt. You’re good dude, friends bicker and argue, sometimes fight or say dumb stuff. That’s just how it goes. Neither of you did anything wrong. Keep playing your games.
TL;DR: you didn’t fuck up. His world view got rattled. Now he needs his friends to be just that: his friends.
The very fact that he reacted with empathy and concern for others is evidence that while he may have higher income, assets, resources, he is not another silver-spoon asshole pissing on the world below him. Or at least not consciously.
Being oblivious to how we impact others is completely different than knowing and saying IDGAF. There are plenty of poor and middle-class people who fall into the IDGAF asshole category.
While it may be an upsetting realization for your friend now, it’s up to him to figure out what he wants to do with this newfound perspective now that he has seen behind the curtain. Now that his eyes are opened, what is it that he sees that he finds upsetting? How can he use his position of privilege to make a positive impact in his world to ease this distress?
That will really come down to his values, capabilities, and what has him shook. Maybe he will feel better if he starts making charitable donations/volunteering. Maybe it’s picking up the check for the whole table more often. Or maybe it’s just simply learning about the positions of others in his life so he can think beyond his own experience.
Whatever the case may be, the fact that this bothered him is not a bad thing. Real world wake-up calls aren’t usually pleasant when they happen if you happen to give a shit about the people involved.
If anything, just keep being a good friend. Don’t make him think anything has changed unless he or y’all collectively want it to. And don’t let him do anything rash like suddenly quit his job and give away everything. If he wants to be a vessel for change and positivity, it is usually easier to do with greater impact proportionally to access to resources and financing. Not always. But generally.
When it comes down to it, we all only get one shot at life, and it’s our own responsibility to live our best life, however we define that for ourselves. It’s up to him to decide how that changes now, if at all.
Hope this helps.
Edited for punctuation
Don’t let this guy read any Marx, otherwise he might breakdown and never recover
I have richer friends and I have poorer friends. The common denominator is the friend part.
I would suggest that, going forward, you can reinforce that you all knew he was well off but it didn’t get in the way of your friendship.
Maybe point out that part of the reason, as I turns out, is that he was pretty clueless about it. He never lorded his wealth over you so it was easy to ignore.
You just have to be honest with him. Even if you have to admit to being jealous sometimes, but that you are all genuinely happy for his success. (If you are)
Hell, with my successful friends I tell them that I have a vicarious pride for their achievements. Sort of “Yeah, so I’ve got this Buddy who is wicked smart/rich.”
I hope you all work through it.
Just make him pay for the pizza this time, call him a dumbass, and then beat him in Mario kart. That’s all you need I don’t make the rules
Just tell him it’s not a big deal. Take us all on vacation and we’ll work it out. Will need to be addressed yearly!
Depending on the kind of guy he is, tell him again that it’s ok and give bro a hug. Like seriously. Hugs are real powerful for showing how much someone means to you, especially if it isn’t a common thing.
You’re not an asshole mate, he had a perception of the world, a perception of himself, and a perception of your friendship. You’ve shaken one of those things and he’s panicking thinking that the other two might not be as he thought either.
He is GOING to need to reassess his perception of the world now that he knows the truth. But if he is the person he thinks he is and your friendship is still what he thinks it is, then be the friend YOU are and things will come back together (though watch as he might try to take up a lot of the financial burden to compensate – don’t let him do that as that WILL fuck up the friendship if it goes unchecked)
At least he’s trying.
Bill Gates famously had no idea what things actually cost when interviewed by (ugh) Ellen Degeneres.
And while Bill Gates remains kind of an asshole, he is at least trying to make things somewhat better.
This guy needs to process his universe shattering discovery, and have his thoughts and feelings validated before you keep telling him not to feel guilty.
What if he had a normal partner in the past, bought them dinners and presents, then thought they didn’t love him back because the quality and number of dinners they bought was minuscule in comparison? What if they argued over finances and travel all the time, and he dropped them because he thought they were unreasonably miserly and tight-fisted over money? That they were otherwise a wonderful person he was deeply in love with but he couldn’t stand their attitude to spending money?
What if he had an employee in the past he sacked because they wore a cheap suit and drove a cheap car, and he thought they could afford so much better but he assumed the money he now learns they didn’t have was going on gambling or drug addictions? By the way this is a real problem for junior Lawyers in the US. They are required to have multiple multi-thousand dollar suits and at least a $60k car to meet clients, on incomes that don’t afford those at all. They spend the first half of their careers getting further and further into a mountain of debt or will get sacked because of a cheap suit.
What if he had thought poverty was always due to evil behaviour. That poverty was always the fault of the poor person? That unemployment benefits were totally unnecessary because everyone can live on their savings )that everyone can automatically afford to have) between jobs, and if you’ve never had a job your parents can and will support you? What if he’s personally decided to fight an unemployment claim? What if he’s responsible for a policy of always fighting unemployment claims?
What if his worldview meant that homelessness is always a result of malicious criminal negligence or defiance? That (to him) it’s impossible for an ethical person to become homeless? What if he’s complained to someone and gotten a homeless encampment moved on? Or just a single person sleeping in their car moved on by police?
What if he believed parents not feeding their children properly or getting their utilities cut off were ALWAYS due to a gambling or drug addiction?
What if he’s voted against SNAP because he thinks it’s not needed. Voted against Medicaid because he thinks it’s not needed. Because someone not blowing their money on hookers and coke and luxury goods can always afford medical care? Voted to criminalise outdoor or car sleeping? What if he thought that only people who blew their money on hookers, cocaine and luxury goods were the only people wanting government assistance?
He needs people to stop reassuring him, and start listening to why his worldview meant that blew up, and why he feels guilty.
I think you guys actually did a good thing. Now he realizes this and will have a different perspective. He already seems distraught which means he genuinely cares and feels bad but you have made him more aware which is a good thing.
Tell him he can take you guys out for a nice simple meal every 3 or 4 months (if he wants to) but to never worry about it outside of that. Money can ruin friendships but only if you let it.
I have a mate with a big inheritance. He has lent money to a few people at times but as a proper business venture. Behaves totally normal aside from changing career all the time. You gotta let that shit not stress you. Having money can be very lonely and make you paranoid. Having good friends can be really important.
If he doesn’t act like a rich prick, isn’t rude and still respects people who make less than him, then he is NOT like most rich people. You need to tell him this. He needs your reassurance I think.
It seems he’s categorising himself differently because of this news.
Wow, a wealthy person with a conscience. He sounds like a good guy. I don’t think you F’dU, you just put some class consciousness in him. Here’s hoping that develops.
If he’s still in shock just tell him to buy yall a home and call it even
How fucking clueless can you be not to realize your friends are not on your financial level?
Well you should watch the white lotus together to work out your problems
Boohoo let’s feel sorry for the rich guy
Im gonna be a bit crass here and saying that him changing his behaviour towards you is the offensive thing here. It means he now values you differently and feels sad for you because you are “one of the poors”.
This definitely all happened
He shouldn’t feel ashamed that he’s doing fine, but not knowing he’s rare as rocking horse shit and doesnt know how the rest of us are doing is something he should be ashamed of.
It’s hard to line up hedonistic requirements with others who can’t sustain it, which is one of the many reasons why people shouldn’t run on the hedonistic treadmill in every aspect of their lives.
I have plenty of friends who are wealthier than they feel, and they only use money to solve real problems instead of elevating themselves beyond others in society.
They do buy nice things but they deliberate the value beforehand as they’ve too often been burnt by regret.
If you come from money you really don’t know its value, so you just spend it without a thought as to how much you needed to earn it.
Just talk to him, tell him to not treat you differently because you don’t come from money and you won’t treat him differently because he’s loaded. Tell him generosity isn’t a condition of friendship, but to be reasonable with how the cost and value of an activity or meal needs to be reasonable and accommodate everyone.
Eat the rich
Can you explain how exactly you fucked up in this situation? I realise, this sub has increasingly devolved from geniune, personal anecdotes into a circle-jerk of made-up stories, but this the first time where I am actually shocked by the attention such out of place posts have recieved.