OK, there’s a lot to unpack here, so I’ll do my best to give an over scope, because I am desperate for help and Want a better understanding of my sickness and how my decision-making has to lead to this.
I (34M)have been married to my wife (29F) for eight months. We’ve been together just over 3 1/2 years when we first started dating I had nude photos of my ex-girlfriend’s on my phone that I used to jerk off. I preferred looking at photos of women I knew/dated because I felt it was more intimate and more real than pornography. That was my way to justify my actions. When my wife first found the photos she asked me to delete them and to never use them again. She did everything right by creating a clear boundary and communicating with me. I unfortunately failed to keep my end of the promise. I failed three times over the course of 2 years. Each time after, I exerted my BS justification and that deleting photos on my phone didn’t carry over to other devices (More BS) and when I rediscovered some photos I couldn’t delete them. I watched her cry over how this made her self conscious, feel betrayed and lack of trust in me. All completely validated points. Ultimately, she expressed we couldn’t get married if I couldn’t stop. I stopped worked on our relationship soared. We got married, felt ready for kids soon and my wife even got me a puppy for my Christmas gift. The fear of losing her helped me control my impulses for 20 months until today.
Over the course of the past months, I started to feel the need to feel dirty and look up my ex’s, but whenever I felt the desire, I would pick out a random photo of someone I barely knew and fantasized about them in vicarious situations, not with my self, but with blurred out male figures. I thought this was a light-step and that it would not add to my fetish/sickness.
What led up to my MAJOR FUCK UP today was that over the course of these months of wanting to look, I had quit my job to get into a new industry. (which has failed to start due to my inability to stay diligent for studying.)
The jobs I interviewed for fell through because I was too picky on responsibilities and earnings. However, I’ve always been able to maintain my side of the bills,groceries etc due to my savings. I even plan Romaric night outs or dinners at home to show my wife acts of love often. During these months, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure, overwhelming sense of not being good enough, which led to me having the urge to want to use photos of people I knew. At first, I deleted my social media accounts so that I would not be acting on my urges, I also made more of attempt to be intimate with my wife, (which we have a very healthy sex life). I failed to communicate my struggles out of fear of adding stress to my wife’s life. Then one day my wife told me that she would be traveling for work and that she’d be gone for a few days. I kept thinking about wanting to just unplug, decompress and release my sickness. Then I remembered something my wife told me about during the holidays. That her sister (32f) had set up a lingerie shoot for her husband as a gift…I obviously took note of that and just suppressed it enough to remember it when it was convenient. I went into my wife’s phone before she left, found some of the photos and screenshotted them. When it came to time to jerk off, I couldn’t reach completion, I tried again the next day with the same results. It was like my sick act would correlate with I how I felt about myself and the trajectory of where I was going and it felt honest. I’m failing as husband/partner and this act is proof. At least it was honest. All the while, I left my wife in the dark and disrespected her trust and family.
After which, I went on reddit to see how wrong this was and felt so much shame that I refused to look at any photo on my phone… Fast forward today, I deep cleaned the house and planned a night out in our patio for wine, charcuterie and dinner so that I could feel Less ashamed but also make my wife feel special.
Upon seeing my wife, I was overjoyed she was home and that I could be my “normal” self again, but also felt horrible about what I did. However, I just put it off like it was a bad dream and that I couldn’t have done something like this. No more than couple hours in since she was home did ask to use my photo to see photos of our puppy the last couple days and BAM!!!, she asked calmly “ why do you have photos of my sister on your phone?”
I shrunk down so little that I barely could look her in her eyes. I asked if we could talk, she was speechless and needed time. At which point, I then deleted the photos and waited for her. She asked how I could jeopardize not only our marriage but her relationship with her sister now that she’s seen this. She even conveyed that in the past she had insecurities about her sisters. (even though my wife is a knockout beauty) I did my best to explain myself but this is inexcusable offense. I must have Left those photos there because I wanted to be caught. My wife expressed that an apology is one thing but doing something about it is another.
As to my relationship with my sister in law, (and the rest her family) it’s been healthy and positive. Her family is full of “good looking” women but I’ve never found any of them to be attractive per se. I had respectful boundaries, genuine cared for them and developed great relationships with each of them.
As to my wife, we have a wonderful relationship. We’re lovers, best friends and even joke about how we are co-dependent because how often we like being around each other. (It may truly be now and that it has contributed to my career demise).
I’m at the end of my rope and I’m willing to hear all feedback, criticisms or some encouragement about how therapy can help.
***UPDATE- I told my wife that I would understand a divorce and that she can have all my earnings, but she responded with” so your just gong to quit on this and not even try.” So I’m trying, I’m asking strangers but I feel hopeless.
TL;DR: “ Caught with having sister in law photos on my phone. How do I find the proper help?”
Comments
Hope your wife divorces you.
Yo I ain’t reading that essay dawg
Just like Tiger Woods who could probably afford two phones. One for the booty one for family. Probably still be married to the swedish beeotch.
Therapy, now
Oof dude. Good luck getting out of this.
Not sure why you needed to quit your job, but you get off on causing her pain. It’s sadism. You’re even posting it here to get off on causing her pain. You already know the solution, you just want to share. You’ll likely need long-term therapy and to put in a lot of work. But I would be surprised if you did that. Instead you’ll probably see what else you can get away with, with her eventually leaving you – or you both being trapped in a relationship you poisoned.
You don’t find women in her family attractive but want to masturbate to pictures of her sister? You’ve crossed a line and there’s probably no coming back from it. Go to therapy and get a semblance of self control.
You’re a dick.
Surely your wife and her sister shouldn’t be marrying an AI bot anyway..
Get rid of your phone. Seek help.
OP is either the wife, or she made him write this.
This isn’t real, no way.
You deserve a divorce. And go get a therapist.
Get help. Seriously. This crossed a couple of lines. You need healthier boundaries.
You truly need professional help and your wife deserves so much better. This was just gross to read. Get help.
“my sickness” just screams that you dont take accountability for your action. You decide what to do. It is not your sickness/ your character/ the way you are. As you grow up you someday will understand that.
The time for therapy was before y’all got married and she initially expressed this boundary to you. Your wife reacting calmly says to me, a woman, that she was already one foot out the door and she is probably planning on leaving after your latest bad decision. Honestly, I hope she does. You’ve proven over and over again that you refuse to respect your wife. If I was her, I’d be packing a bag and getting a hotel room.
This looks like a dressed up AI story.
You’re sorry because you got found out, not because you’re remorseful.
You need Jesus homie, he turned me around from my 30 year porn addiction and nearly cheating on my wife. Maybe He had you forget about those photos so you’d face the fact you can’t get through this life living for yourself. There’s more for you, and He has the keys.
Therapy, you’re both gonna need it. Sorry for the situation you’ve put yourself in but you may have a problem. If your wife is as hot as you say she is – you need help cutting off your mental diversion from your wife. It’s one thing to do it to your imagination or strangers but holy crap – family members photos saved on your phone? You need a therapist and counseling for the 2 of you if you want any chance(if it exists) to save your relationship.
Bruh you were beating it to photos of your wife’s sister. There isn’t really “help.” You don’t have some “condition” or some shit. You’re just a horn dog who found their wife’s sister attractive and used it as fap material and got caught. There’s no hidden underlying depth to it. That’s just what it is.
We don’t kink shame, but we shame
The fuck?
You have serious issues, buddy. Best advice is to stay single after your wife eventually leaves you.
I think this essay you wrote is trying inna way to justify what you did to yourself and others. It ain’t working by the way. You keep calling it a sickness, dude you did dumb shit let your dick think for you because you are addicted to sick shit from porn. End of story. Acting like you have lupus or something.
Apologize for you actions, if you love your wife you will try harder to control yourself or seek help from a professional if it’s a real issue.
>As to my relationship with my sister in law, (and the rest her family) it’s been healthy and positive. Her family is full of “good looking” women but I’ve never found any of them to be attractive per se. I had respectful boundaries, genuine cared for them and developed great relationships with each of them.
Your post invalidates this completely.
Therapy doesn’t work if you don’t commit to it. It sounds like you don’t commit to a lot of things … School, work, your wife.
If this is your “rock bottom” moment then you accept whatever consequences the people around you need to take and finally start working on yourself. Instead of masturbating, maybe go for a run. Instead of blowing off school to sneak around stalking ex’s online to masturbate to… Do literally anything else more productive.
You need help, seriously.
You done fucked up.
You deserve it.
Now go get therapy.
Lol
“The fear of losing her helped me control my impulses for 20 months until today” Dude… clearly there’s an underlying issue and part of it is posting this on reddit. I really hope she finds this post. Pathetic.
Eww creep
First, don’t blow up her phone if she wants a cooldown period.
Second, get ready to accept that the relationship might be over.
Third, be open if she’s your best friend. Why tf did you let this ferment for so long?
Open up to her about your kink. Then warp that kink into one that allows her to become the main character. It could be a double win since she’s insecure. But this should’ve occurred the moment you knew about her insecurity.
Pretty much game over unless she’s those “I can fix him” type.
Poor wife realizing wtf she actually married. The disgust and disappointment she must feel.
As a psychologist, I’ll be blunt because you need to hear it:
This isn’t about porn, urges, or even “fetishes” it’s about repeated violations of trust and a clear lack of impulse control, emotional regulation, and accountability. You didn’t just mess up; you made a series of conscious decisions that hurt someone who trusted you deeply.
Your wife didn’t sign up to be your rehab. She set a boundary, you crossed it multiple times, then escalated by violating her sister’s privacy. That’s not a “slip” that’s a serious breach, bordering on predatory.
Therapy isn’t optional at this point, it’s urgent. And not couples therapy. Individual therapy, long-term, with a specialist in compulsive behaviors and emotional boundaries. You need to stop rationalizing and start dismantling the parts of yourself that allowed this.
Healing starts when you stop trying to protect your self-image and start protecting others from your harm.
Own it. And do the damn work.
What the fuck did I just read? Get help
You dug your own grave so jump on in bro.
Yes officer, right here
In everything you’ve said in your OP, I’m under the impression you’re not very sexually attracted to your wife. You repeatedly say you prefer using imagery of people you knew or dated to satisfy your sexual urges… but somehow it’s never crossed your mind to jerk off to your wife in whatever you’re fantasizing about?? The phrasing just comes off as you thinking your wife is more foreign to you than an old friend or ex. If you’re jerking it to the thought/images of your exes, hot friends, AND HER SISTER, you’ve got a problem. Your wife deserves better, and you need therapy to solve your commitment issues before finding yourself in another relationship.
Therapy, and if you aren’t working, get a job.