Back story here. I (28M) had just gone through a break up from a relationship of 2 years. In all honesty, the only serious thing from this relationship was the length of it. I got over it fairly quick (about 3 days. Y’all can be brutally honest on that topic, I know it’s too quick to get over a long-term relationship of any kind) and re-downloaded Tinder and Bumble. I was matching with a good amount of women and talking to them fairly well. Some I would have to initiate the conversation, which I clocked as not having interest.
But when I matched with this women (28F) (now current ex) I felt a connection, our messages were sporadic at first, she made the effort to respond back to me no matter what which is something I genuinely like in relationships. We finally met, and I honestly moved too fast, after 5 days of seeing each other I told her “I love you” and 12 days after our first date we became official, but that’s when I told her it was only about 2 weeks from the breakup that we started seeing each other and understandably she felt insecure about this. I should’ve said something right when we started talking. This official status only lasted 5 days.
I brought (now current ex) to a campground to meet my family for the day as we were doing a cookout, and I drove her around on the golf cart and that’s when we came across cabins that are available to rent and the subject of me wanting to rent one came up and she asked if that was true and that’s when I said “yeah I wanted to with my ex” which was a very stupid thing to say and ruined the whole day for her. I knew it upset her and I should’ve pulled off somewhere to talk about it right then and there. That’s where I fucked up (twice). First mentioning something I planned to do with an ex, and second realizing it put her off and not talking about it. We went about the day normally. And then we had about an hour drive back to her place. And I still didn’t say anything. She brought the topic up about 30 minutes from her place.
On the way to the campground earlier in the day she asked me if she was “a rebound” to which I told her “absolutely not”. I genuinely love her, but I get her POV. Me just coming off of a 2 year relationship barely a month before we were official and then mentioning something about my ex. We talked in the car in her driveway, I acknowledged my fuck up apologized profusely. It got to the point she was done talking, and said “she should’ve just stayed home instead” as she was getting out of the car. I took this a hint to “leave” and I had gotten down the road when she called me to say she forget her sunglasses in the car.
I turned around to bring them back, and then she returned a sweatshirt I lent her and I told I still wanted to talk but she just handed me the hoodie and took her sunglasses back saying thank you. I walked back to my car upset and defeated, not knowing what else I could do. And within minutes of leaving she texted me “I just stood there and waited and you walked away”. This is where the “taking the hint as ‘leave’” comes into play. I had thought she said the words, she did not. This was a major talking point through texts. I wanted to go back and talk but she kept saying “you just left” and I made the mistake of saying “you told me to” which those words never came out of her mouth.
Again, her body language and tone were telling me to leave. I didn’t want to but the way I’m wired is, if someone gives me the vibe of “get out of my face” or “leave” I leave and respect their space. I kept wanting to talk, just like she said she wanted to but since I left that ruined my chances. At some point she texted me “just re-download tinder and tell another girl you love her in a week” which, ouch, I get where that’s coming from but she refused to hear me out about how this isn’t that and that’s not what I’m trying to do. I know I may not have enough experience in relationships to pick up on these cues (yes I know the whole 2 year relationship, looking back that feels more like a situationship that should never have even made it a year) but she’s definitely emotionally mature enough to tell me what she wants and not make me “guess”.
I’ve read enough stories on here though to know that I’m definitely the asshole here if this winds up on AITA. But I wanted to get this off my chest and hear any advice in the comments, no matter how brutally honest they may be.
TL;DR: like I mentioned in the post: the 2 year relationship was more of a situationship but I was dumb and thought it was genuine and real and when asked about it by (now current ex) I said during the relationship I had feelings, but I got over it quick. I understand how she feels that was too quick. I want her to understand I genuinely and honestly mean everything I’ve told her about wanting to figure this out and that I don’t get attached too quickly. It was completely stupid of me to bring up something I wanted to do with my ex, and the fact we were moving a little too quick.
Comments
Can you make this more readable?
Paragraphs are a boy’s best friend.
TIFU by posting a wall of text that nobody can read
I mean, you told her you loved her after 5 days… to be honest, you probably shouldn’t be seeing anyone. You seem very conflicted. Not really fair to be giving someone so many mixed signals and then bouncing between two people because you’re confused about your feelings. Take time alone to figure it out.
TLDR the TLDR
I would call her and apologize and ask her if she is willing to go out with you to restaurant or a coffee shop. Then talk about how even though you were dating someone for two years, you do not have much relationship experience and regret how you handled everything. And see if she is willing to give you another chance. If not, move on and do better with your next partner. But perhaps if you speak about being inexperienced and how much you care for her and plan to do better, she will give you another chance. You are going to have to remember not to mention the ex though if she does give you a chance. No need to say we used to do xyz or had planned to do xyz.
You’re … 28?! Because this comes across as a love sick 17.
Stop telling tinder matches you love them in days*. If you think you do, you don’t. You love how she makes you feel. You don’t even know her.
Your coworker is right…just forget the whole thing, give yourself some times to actually get over your ex, and try again. Mistakes were made but not a big deal; just give yourself some time to calm down and you won’t move so fast.
If she breaks up about something like that, you dodged a bullet. Move on, next!
If it starts to get complicated in the beginning, it will be more complicated during the relationship.
Well, you did say something you should’ve kept to yourself and being exchanged for an ex almost instantly after breaking up can lead to trust issues. You totally should’ve told her from the start.
But well, no sense crying over spilled milk, right? Get your guts together, move on and do it better next time.
If she got that upset over a simple comment and you not being able to read her mind I call this a dodged bullet.
Honestly, i wouldnt trust anyone saying theyre ready to move on that soon after a break-up. Its the whole, ‘you think you’re ready, but you’re not.’ situation.
If you get over someone that quickly(3 days) and tell someone you love them that quickly, I would personally see that as a red flag. I understand see feels like the “next thing” in that whole situation.
Paragraphs exist for a reason.
All I can say is, if you’re sure about this girl, you gotta make an effort to show her you’re wanting to stick around.
I would start with a comprehensive apology, cover everything in a sincere but matter of fact way and be concise. Don’t over explain yourself or ramble as it will sound like you’re just making excuses. Proof read it about 5 minutes after you’ve typed it up and be critical about what you’re saying before you send it.
The main point to get across is that you understand how your actions made her feel, and that while it wasn’t your intention, you are taking accountability for it, and that you would like another chance as you felt a genuine connection to her.
Obviously by her response she wanted you to patch things up and you just misread the situation. We all do it, the best you can do now is stay consistent and show you’re not wanting to just move on to the next girl.
Obviously if she outright says leave her alone or that she needs space then do that. Let her reach out if she decides to give you another chance and for the love of god don’t bring up your ex again unless she openly asks.
I know we all hate AI, but this would have been a good one to give chat gpt a pass at.
Just because you were “over” your two year relationship with in a week after breaking up, doesn’t mean that you weren’t checked out for a much longer period of time before the break up. The rest you fucked up, but in the moment sometimes it’s hard to read the body language and the signs correctly.
TL;DR:
Guy gets out of a 2-year “situationship,” moves on quickly, and rushes into a new relationship. Tells new girl “I love you” after 5 days, but makes mistakes like mentioning plans he had with his ex and misreading her cues. She feels like a rebound, he fails to communicate properly, and things fall apart. He realizes he moved too fast and wants advice.
Thanks chatgpt
You fucked up, but not how you think. Your fuckup was jumping into something else so fast. Telling the new girl you love her after 5 days is (sorry to be blunt) fucking crazy. You might think your 2 year relationship was nothing serious, but I think professing love so soon shows that you are not over your ex. You’re looking for the intimacy that comes with a long relationship and you tried to fast-forward a (potentially) great new relationship. Red flags all over that. I told a girl I loved her way too soon once, but I was 16 at the time. Don’t try and speedrun a relationship. Take some time, or just settle for hookups for now.
You could have said “ I always wanted to come here “
CONGRATS!
You just learned something about your New Ex that would have taken months to figure out otherwise. She did you a favor by showing you who she was and you got to end the relationship before investing any amount of time or money in it. Split the difference with her and send it to her in a Chili’s Gift Card and move on.
Hey stop trying and work on yourself first. The women around you deserve better. OH and I read some comments, but I could not bring myself to read this book you wrote.