Hi everyone. Good evening. It’s been a crazy week for me. I’m in my early 30s, and I just ended my first serious relationship this week. I’m sure you would recognize the pattern—I was heavily invested in it, and I thought that I was so lucky to have found it in my 30s. But I had to end it because it became abusive to a point that it needed to be reported.
Now—I’m just at a loss. I don’t know how to move on. If I can trust myself to make better decisions—if it’ll be ok. It was only an 11th month relationship, but I really thought I was going to marry this person in the future. And now—I feel like my future is lost. Please help.
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Heal and everything you’re feeling/will feel is okay. It’s not your fault, it’s very similar to the stages of grief, grieve and be done with it. But heal yourself do not try to keep filling the sadness with another person, get yourself whole first and everything else follows.
> But I had to end it because it became abusive to a point that it needed to be reported.
FYI, you ended an abusive situation as it was escalating. This means you have fairly good boundaries and can trust yourself!
You should trust yourself, because you are doing a good job. Yes it could be better, but we always know better in hindsight: it wouldn’t be fair to judge yourself that way.
> I was heavily invested in it
Feminist women typically recommend that women match their partner’s efforts instead of going all in. This is a great way to see how he is, to see how much he is willing to do or can do. It quickly shows which guys are a bit lazy and not that invested.
If the guy makes efforts: you match them and it’s great. If he doesn’t, you also don’t, and the issue become really clear (vs you compensating and feeling crazy).
I went through this in 2021. I was approx 28. Met him in Feb, moved in his place in May, and was out by October. He had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was severely injured, but not physically.
It took months and months to repair.
Here’s my advice.
Take time to repair. No really. TAKE TIME to repair. Do not get in another relationship.
Remap your view of the world. My map of the world didn’t include people who could be so evil and saddistic, as I hadn’t encountered them yet. I needed to remap the world to include these people and incorporate ways to avoid these people.
Get therapy if necessary. I went in the first month after breakup, and my therapist helped me realise that he was a NPD. After that I should have stayed but didn’t have the mindset for another 2 years. Thought I could get through it myself. Just go to therapy.
Create a list of things you’re looking for, and create a dealbreaker list, including things that signal that someone is unsafe.
Important: recognise why you got in the situation in the first place. Look inward. For me, it was childhood trauma that normalised abuse and a need to be loved, as I wasn’t loving myself.
Connect with friends and family.
Good on you for ending it, it means you do love yourself somewhere and can trust yourself. Just need to set higher standards and boundaries for yourself.