I understand this may not be the best sub to post about this in, but here I go. My LO is 15 months now and I have another on the way.
Ever since the baby was born my in laws wanted to be way more involved than I was comfortable with. Like overnights as a newborn or my FIL repeatedly telling us that my MIL will come and be our night nurse.
That’s how they think they can “help” by babysitting except they need a lot of hand holding about how to care for our son that it’s actually not helping and I don’t trust that they can do it.
They’re older and my FIL has mobility issues and has done some reckless things with my LO to prove to himself he can keep up with him (like walking a long distance holding him and going up stairs when he is very unbalanced) ( and when he was watching him at their cottage and I hear my son crawling fast out of his room to catch him right at he got to the top of the stairs while my FIL was still in the room trying to get up. )
When my MIL asks him not to push himself physically he doesn’t listen to her and does the opposite so I can’t trust that she’ll be able to stop him. She was there when he took my LO for the long walk and didn’t go with him or get him to stop.
She also is experiencing memory issues and has not accepted this. So I worry about her ability to care for him given this.
That being said we see them Weekly, and try to give them opportunities to babysit for short periods or when we’re home and doing other things.
I’m a people pleaser and it bothers me that they’re unhappy with their level of involvement. My FIL makes passive aggressive comments and I can see my MIL is disappointed.
My husband is away this weekend and this morning my FIL texts me at 6 am asking not to hesitate to let him know if I need help with my son over the weekend. Then two hours later I missed a face time call from him and saw my MIL texted too saying the same thing. I responded to both thanking them and that I’d let them know.
My MIL goes on to say if you want to come for dinner or have me babysit and you can go out with a friend to let her know. I again thanked her and let her know I would. But it’s so irritating and pushy. Like if you truly want to help come take my dog for a walk.
Also wanted to note that the way they interact with my son is so obnoxious they’re constantly calling his name over and over to get his attention. They’re desperate to connect with him and I get so annoyed. I’m sure they can feel my energy.
Anyway I know this was mostly a rant but for my own wellbeing I want to stop ruminating over it. It takes up a lot of space in my mind and it’s not good for me. I’m constantly thinking about things they do to annoy me, and I will admit I’m very sensitive with anything they say or do. I know it’s also bothering my husband because I don’t pick my battles and I complain to him a lot.
If anyone has tips to let it go and make the decisions that are right for you without feeling guilty or resentful that they’re unhappy when you’re doing your best, please let me know!! Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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This really speaks to me. I’m a people pleaser as well and have struggled with boundaries myself. There are 2 points that have helped me a lot. First, I ask myself, “By enforcing this boundary, am I doing the best/safest thing for my son?” When the answer is “yes,” it helps me to let go of the guilt I’m feeling because I am simply protecting my son. The second thing I had to understand was that my in-laws are grown adults who are responsible for managing their own disappointment and emotions. Their feelings are not more important than yours. Dealing with the consequences of aging (or not getting your way for whatever reason) is just part of life. You do not have to take their discomfort and put it onto yourself. For me, the resentment started to faded when I successfully enforced my own boundaries.
It sounds like you are a very generous and thoughtful person. Share some of that kindness with yourself. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can still let your in-laws have a relationship with your child that does not endanger your child or take away from your own experience of motherhood.