Hi Reddit,
I’ve (F21) been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M23) for about 6 months. We both have our own apartments, and recently we agreed to live separately on weekdays to focus on personal growth and building individuality. We still spend time together on weekends. I supported the idea at first, but ever since his sister told him she doesn’t like me, I can’t help but feel that’s what really triggered the shift.
Since then, I’ve been feeling distant and anxious. I’ve expressed my needs to him a few times, but I often feel like he doesn’t fully understand how deeply this is affecting me. I told him I don’t date unless it’s intentional, and he said he wants to marry me after college, have kids, etc. — but sometimes it feels like he just agrees with me to end the conversation.
Last night, I got overwhelmed and asked him to come over because I was having anxiety. He did, which I appreciated. But when I tried to talk to him about my feelings, I didn’t feel fully heard. After he left, I called and texted to check on him — and he didn’t respond until the next day. He said he overslept and missed his clients. I know he’s stressed, but I still felt dismissed.
The thing is, I love him and want this to work. But I’ve been feeling a lot of grief, like I’m mourning something that hasn’t ended. I started therapy this week, and I know I can be codependent — but I also know I deserve to feel emotionally safe and chosen.
What should I do to feel more emotionally secure in the relationship?
How do I balance being supportive of his stress without abandoning my own needs for connection and reassurance?
Any advice would be really appreciated. I’m trying to grow through this, not just sit in it.
TL;DR:
I (F21) and my boyfriend (M23) decided to live apart on weekdays for personal growth, but I think the real reason was pressure from his sister who doesn’t like me. Ever since, I’ve felt more anxious and emotionally disconnected. I love him, but I’m struggling with feeling grief even though we’re still together. What can I do to feel more secure in this relationship?
Comments
If the idea of this arrangement was to build independence then you need to work on your feelings of dependence. Talk to a therapist about your anxiety and develop outlets for this nervous energy. Liking yourself and feeling confident on your own allows other people to like you.
You’ve been dating for 6 months. As someone with anxious attachment, I say you need to chill. At 6 months you should be meeting up a few times a week and still doing your own thing. It sounds like you’ve lost sight of doing your own thing.
Now, if he’s not maintaining enough communication for you, that’s a different discussion to be had. But then you also need to assess if your expectations are reasonable – if he’s working, he can’t really message you. Depending on his evening plans – he may be busy (as should you!)
But – ultimately – if this arrangement isn’t working for you, you need to have a discussion to find a compromise.