To the men who distance themselves from their partner when they are stressed or have things going on, what do you need from your partner during this time?
Is there anything that is annoying or unpleasant that your partners do when you are going through things?
Is there anything that you enjoy and appreciate?
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Patience, but men who do this must learn not to. I’m speaking as a man who does this
A moment to get thoughts together. Sometimes hours Sometimes date depends. Don’t ever try and force anyone to talk it will only cause them to want to push you away. Just wait and he may want to talk if so he’ll let you know
Patients, reassurance and understanding. I’m just trying to get thoughts organized and emotions stable. More than likely I’m over-thinking/analyzing stuff and maybe misinterpreting something.
We’ve been conditioned to think that we are supposed to be the rock, so we can never let anyone else in on our deep struggles. It’s not something you can just stop or turn off.
Give us space to quiet our anxiety. Bring drink like a cup of tea (not alcohol) or some food with an affectionate gesture, like a kiss or a touch.
Express loyalty. Tell us that you love us and you have our back and when we’re up for it, you want to help us figure it out or sort it out or whatever. We have a deep fear/anxiety that if we don’t manage everything in our lives perfectly, we will lose everything.
You men all men?
We’re thinking and strategizing how we can fix the situation. The best thing you can do is be understanding and ask “how can I help” and help could be as simple as cooking a good meal. If he says “I’m okay, I don’t need anything” that’s generally code for “I’m not really fine but I don’t want to bother you with my problems or appeared weak” and this isn’t the time to pry or nag; simply, give him a bit of space, give him a bit of love, and maybe make him a good meal.
Take the load off, give him space, and don’t take it personally…he’s likely fighting demons that you know nothing about
I think we keep it to ourselves because we don’t want to impose. Sounds silly when it’s your partner but it’s kinda built into most of us.
Patience and understanding. Freedom for my own autonomy. The ability to let me soundboard if needed but not force anything – I will open up and talk as needed, but I have my own demons to battle and that’s my fight. I don’t need a battle partner. I just need someone to be there when I’m done fighting, and to know they’ll be there. That way I don’t have to worry about that too.
Sometimes I feel I’m being a burden. Sometimes it’s just sitting next to me and not saying anything at all. Just remember the time you use, at least for me is a major factor in how I’ll react. Don’t come across annoyed or angry I might be distant. That will just shut me down more
Space and peace. It’s very simple. Nagging your boyfriend/husband when he’s trying to decompress is not a good idea.
For me I mostly just need some time. The best thing my wife can do is to keep a positive attitude, try to distract me with good stuff and don’t impose expectations on me until I’m able to work myself out of my mindset. The worse thing she does is make me feel bad that I need some time to myself. Usually I do this be doing yard/house work so that I’m at least doing something useful and she doesn’t feel like I’m just completely checking out
For the love of GAWD, don’t ask me any questions.
Maybe a hug or something. Cuddle at bedtime. Maybe a favorite meal or something, depending on if I have an appetite. Doesn’t have to be home cooked, it could just be something snagged while out.
Little nice things, like bringing a fave food or a fave drink and then giving us space
We usually need that solo time to process or cool down; sometimes it’s like “I know I’m more likely to crash out in this state, so I want to localize the fallout to just myself so as to not take this out on my partner”
That’s part of why a lot of dudes get annoyed when their partner puts our emotional load on their back and takes it as their responsibility to fix and won’t give us space; now even in our tough time, we still have to manage your emotions so you don’t feel like its about you
More emotionally mature dudes can usually express this to you instead of just going radio silent and stone walling; try to talk about this before it happens if you’re not with that type of dude (or consider if that’s a dynamic you really want to deal with long term)