With age comes perspective, and sometimes experience teaches lessons we don’t often say out loud. Curious what insights you’ve gained about sex.
To women over 40: What’s something you’ve learned about sex with age or experience that you rarely talk about—but think younger people should know?
r/AskWomen
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Please pee afterwards. Cuddles can come later!
It’s not always about me. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s about him. Usually it’s about us both. But sometimes it’s not. And that’s ok.
Clitoral stimulation is your friend.
Do kegals while he’s inside you…. Drives him crazy.
Be direct about what you want / how you want it.
Contrary to the stereotype, it’s common for women to have a much higher libido than men. Especially as you get older.
Who needs it?
That the clitoris has one function – pleasure!
That, and it’s okay to explore what you like and how your body responds to different things.
Practice, exploration. There’s no other way around it, to be able to know what you enjoy sexually.
You are worried if “guys really like ” or “if is acceptable” – Flat boobs, saggy boobs, stretch marks, freckles… no freckles… roots… no makeup… peach fuzz, stumpy toes… AAAAANY physical variation…
THEY DO NOT CARE OR NOTICE IN PERSON.
In porn, they have key words they search. It could be 4’10 pink haired alien cheerleader. But in real life? You could have the broad face of a brewer and a mustache in bright sunlight… But They wanna hold them boney hips and thick calluses knuckles of their dusky hued 8 ft tall WMBA glamazon.
In another subreddit a woman was dating a dude for TWO YEARS before he noticed she was missing a thumb.
MISSING A WHOLE THUMB.
Your insecurities are invisible. You have a Harry Potter style cloak of invisibility on your “flaws” if he wants to bone you.
STOP OBSESSING.
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You may be brainwashed to think sex is only for a committed relationship and not even realize it.
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For those who have sex with men:
If a man doesn’t take an interest in your sexual pleasure, then he is going to be selfish in your relationship. Give him a few weeks, but of he doesn’t take an interest in what excites you and what makes you come, then walk away. Caring about someone else is something a man should already know. Selfish in bed = selfish in life. Ie he won’t be there for you when you are sick or injured. He will give you the bare minimum in the relationship.
Also, remember that the first 6 months is the honeymoon period. You are both on best behaviour, this is as good as it gets. If there are already relationship problems then it will only get worse as time goes on.
Sex isn’t just for young, thin people. Sex is for all of us, at all ages.
That pain during intercourse is not normal. It’s not something you have to pretend not to feel just to avoid turning your partner off. If it hurts, stop. Don’t fake being okay just to ‘keep the moment’ going. Your feelings, your comfort, and your orgasm matter just as much as his.
Some of the things I hear young women say about sex make me so sad for them, and as much as I despise the old double standard of guys can have sex with whoever and whenever and girls should be pure and save themselves, it had one real benefit.
If you were a good girl, the guy had to learn how to get you so turned on until you were dying for sex and let yourself give in and have it.
I’m talking weeks and months, hours and hours of making out, and they had to get good at it to convince the good girls to have sex. It was glorious, having them take their time and having to learn how to please girls.
Sexist as hell. Yes, I know.
But it seems like so many women now settle for bad sex.
Please don’t settle for bad sex. If he isn’t interested in pleasing you, why should you please him?
Anyone who brags about how good in bed they are usually sucks and it depends on chemistry, imo
Sex and your marriage can become more passionate with age.
I got closer to my husband through more frequent sex and by telling him about fantasies I was too shy to share through 12 years of marriage. This all happened because I got a really strong boost in libido at 49.
Even if you don’t get a boost in libido, sharing more about sex with your husband and increasing any kind of mutually enjoyed sexual activity will help.
It should be an experience not a performance.
Do NOT under any circumstances fake orgasms to make him feel better. Not even one. Don’t do it. You will absolutely regret it later
You shouldn’t fake orgasms. You need to communicate what you need to get off. If a guy won’t do what needs to be done or doesn’t even care if you got off? Yeah, get up and leave and don’t sleep with him again.
Try whatever you want to try. Be blunt if you want or don’t want something. Your partner is probably more willing and compromising than you think.
You cannot have too much lube. Especially going into perimenopause/menopause.
Lube.
Don’t jump to conclusions if your partner isn’t in the mood. We all have days where we just don’t feel up to being intimate.
Edit: Phrasing
getting HPV really really reallllllly sucks, and HPV vaccine doesn’t protect you fully from it.
Ditch the pill as it fucks up your sex drive. Learn to please and be pleased – the shame we have ascribed is usually due to the messages we’ve received and it is criminal – there is nothing wrong with sex.
I’ll go out on a limb and say explore anal if you can but do it on your terms and not someone else’s. While it isn’t for everyone, it can be amazing and next level in a way that vaginal sex is not.
A man will never be as hot to you after you smell his shit. Hold off on that as long as you can.
Try sex with a woman at least once in your life!
She comes first.
Frequency ebbs and flows. Sometimes we are at it multiple times a day; sometimes 2 weeks pass with nothin. We are busy, and our horny moments don’t always align. Don’t worry about what’s “normal.” There’s no such number.
Underwear isn’t important. They just want to get it off of you. I used to spend a good amount of money on cute sets and now it really does not matter. My f*ckboy pulls my cotton high waisted underwear off me all the time and I honestly don’t think he even sees them.
Anal should not be painful…at all.
Getting comfortable with sex being vocal and not making a hush hush fuzzy about sex also knowing and voicing what u like how u like and not shying away from switching up or down
For the older Gen Z girlies:
A young man in your age bracket should be able to maintain an erection for at least 10-15 minutes without choking you or spitting in your face/mouth. If he can’t (past his first few times) he needs to take a look at his lifestyle choices or seek medical attention, not blame you.
Unfortunately too many Gen Z young men are growing up “learning” sex from porn, which is ACTING FOR VIEWS. It’s not reality.
This is causing major issues like male erectile dysfunction in 18-25 year olds, and brain damage in young women through lack of oxygen to the brain via strangulation.
Just take the time to enjoy each other. It’s not a performance of violence. It’s a performance of love.
It’s not that serious.
As in guys/girls aren’t thinking about things you think are weird about your body. Tell guys/girls what you like in bed and what gets you off. Sometimes things may feel awkward but it’s not that serious and it’s normal.
As someone who has literally started their period while hooking up with a guy and ruining his sheets. He still called me again. I promise you it’s not that serious.
Oh also I slept with my now husband on our 1st date. We’ve been together 10 years. Have sex when you feel comfortable. Having sex too soon won’t ruin something that’s already a good thing.
If they won’t sleep with you before marriage it will NOT get better after marriage.
You don’t need a man to have good sex. Invest in a good vibrator than a meh boyfriend.
Even for straight women, men are optional for a good life.
For some (if not many) women, arousal won’t start purely physically. Our brains are our biggest sex organs, and I don’t mean that in a ‘I’m a sapiosexual’ kinda way.
Researchers showed that the link between physical and mental arousal is much more direct for men. In general: peepee gets hard, man gets in mood.
For women, that link was much less evident. They could be physically aroused and still not even think they were in the mood for sex.
Purely speaking for myself, I recognize this. I need to get there mentally, before I get there physically. Therefore, guys trying to turn me on by just making a beeline for my erogenic zones, usually have the opposite effect.
If you’re like me, and hadn’t realized it yet: just wanted to post this to let you know it’s ok. I’ve learned it’s actually quite normal, and there are guys out there who are willing to learn how that works, and who derive joy from learning how to play that complex instrument that our brains are, and that sex got infinitely better for me once I learned this about myself.
I think about that sometimes. But then it doesn’t make sense. In my 20s, sex was something different. Now it’s something … better. It’s not about performance in bed, it’s about connection and interaction. Totally different than sex on my 20s that was about performance and fucking hard and … well. We change. Sex is much better now on my 45s, I’m pretty sure about that. Can’t teach time. Time needs time. Just go get sex. And practice your sexuality. The more you practice, the better you get on it. Like everything in life.
It is not the best thing in your life and definitely not the most important
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Men after 40 commonly have ED – and it will affect your (f) life too.
You don’t have to have PiV to count as sex. Nonpenetrative sex never seemed like it was a viable option. It felt like once I lost my virginity, I was doomed to always “put up with” piv every time I wanted to experience sexual pleasure. Mentioning that I didn’t want it always felt like I was disappointing him. And maybe I was.
Also, kinky sex is better than vanilla sex. Because kinky partners understand that we all have different preferences in sexual activities, and ask about preferences and limits before we get intimate. But vanilla partners tend to assume we are working towards the same goal, even when we are not.
Sex gets better when you stop trying to perform and start focusing on what actually feels good for you. Communication matters more than technique, and confidence is honestly the most attractive thing in the room.
Communicate what you like done to you, a lot guys seem to have hadbtheir sex ed through porn and over do it way too much, only you kniw best what you really like and turn you on, in my experience guys will pay attention, also dont be embarrassed to be kinky, youll enjoy it more and they will love you more lol
You might want to consider marrying the man who drives you crazy in bed. I married my hot ass husband because I couldn’t get enough of him. We have been together for 23 years since he was 19 and I was 20… All these years later I still can’t get enough of him. Hell he can’t keep his hands off me even in public he will grab my ass shamelessly.
Too many women under estimate how important that physical connection is to a lasting marriage.
You dont need to smell of soap and perfume down there , we have evolved to love the scent and taste.
That the best kind of wisdom comes from just living through it, and learning to laugh at the mess.
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If a particular position is difficult to maintain but feels really good, modify it! Use pillows to prop yourself up, try it lying on your side(s), etc.
People are dirt bags at all ages. I’ve dated 30 somethings that were eons ahead of 50+ aged men in terms of maturity. If someone can’t talk about what has gone wrong in their relationships, that’s the biggest red flag EVER! It shows they don’t reflect about their behavior or part in why important relationships were going wrong. No drive to improve and be a better person, lover, partner. Don’t stay with someone for sex, if all you want is sex, get it from someone you don’t have an emotional connection to.
Say what you need.
Dont expect people to know. Dont be embarrassed. If they care they’ll want to please you.
Never have sex when you’re not in the mood and enthusiastic for it. It can completely rewire your brain into associating sex with negativity and resentment and can take years of therapy to undo. Sex is NOT a chore, a duty or a need. It is a way to share mutual intimacy with someone when you BOTH want it.
It’s completely fine to not like it
Your sexual relationship with yourself is much more important than your sexual relationship with others. If you learn to be your own best lover, you’ll never be dependent on someone else for sexual pleasure.
Take it from someone who put up with too much abuse from men because they knew how to give me orgasms, during the years before I learned how to do it better than they could.
Also comes in handy when you’re in a relationship with someone you love who happens to have a lower libido than you do. Some of those are happy to participate in a supporting role and that can be another wonderful form of intimacy.
Be confident in yourself. If you have to pretend or act a certain way to get someone to like or pay attention to you, you don’t need them. Being with someone who truly likes and wants you for who you are will make you feel like the hottest girl in the world.
Speak up. Don’t let anyone force or give you ultimatums about ANYTHING. Know the difference between being asked and being manipulated. Someone who cares about you can ask for something, and if you dont want to do it, they will be okay with that.
Speak up again. Don’t be afraid to communicate that it feels good and what doesn’t. Everyone likes praise and encouragement. Dirty talk can be your friend, and it’s really just saying what’s on your mind.
Experience will make you rich. Be open-minded, and if it’s not for you, at least you can say you tried. If you do like it, add it to your repertoire. Anyone who makes you feel bad about your past is insecure, and you really don’t need that in the bedroom or your life. A smart person will find your experience hot and beneficial.
And on a more specific and personal note, blow jobs. Any mofo who is obsessed with blow jobs or forces you to give them or shoves and holds your head down there is NOT a person you need in your life. Run fast and run
far, far away.
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It’s never too late to start something new and make it your own!
During my wild phase after my divorce, I learned a lot about men, but un-learned even more.
One main thing I learned: men don’t really GAF about what we women think they GAF about.
Didn’t shave? They’re still gonna be DTF.
Wearing your most ratchet looking undies? Still DTF.
Boobs sagging? THEY’RE BOOBS!
Got saddlebags? Great, something to grab while they rail ya.
When it comes to sex, men are like puppies, seriously. They get to see you naked, and they’re just so grateful and happy to be there.
age brings perspective, physical imperfections don’t matter
Do women lose interest in sex after 60? I am recently widowed and find that to be true.
Stop worrying about if he’s enjoying himself. Make it enjoyable for you and that will make him enjoy it even more.
Just go for it. Don’t be afraid to let loose and enjoy the sex. Leave the lights on, even if they’re dim, and look each other in the eyes if you really want to connect.