CW: domestic abuse, no details given though.
Throw away because I don’t want to dox myself to risk anyone being able to track down the people involved.
I volunteer for an organization in my country aimed at helping people, especially those in more vulnerable positions in life, crawl out of whatever situation they find themselves in. It ranges from helping people get on our equivalent to welfare, helping people take the first steps in their divorce, helping people with fun legal problems, debt, employment law breeches, etc… basically, we’re like a social emergency room- sometimes we can treat you there, sometimes one of our specialists can deal with it, and sometimes we send you to another clinic for better help than we can provide.
I’m, again, a volunteer. And after our receptionists, I’m basically on the front lines dealing with whoever comes through our door.
Most cases I can detach myself from. But sometimes one hits me. Today, one did.
Was a rough morning, first clients were grumpy with me, and the second were nice but gave a weird vibe. The third client, well this man was huge- not necessarily in terms of weight, just tall, and I’m very short.
He came to us because he’s effectively homeless due to relationship breakdown. His name is still on the lease for the house his ex-girlfriend is living in, but he does not want to return, and his landlord will no help him until rent debts are paid off, which the client did not intend to do, and the government cannot help until his name is off that lease. He’s been couch surfing.
When I td him that he does technically have a legal right to return to the property if necessary, he said that he won’t do that because he would kill his ex. I kind of laughed because, well, who would say that with any sincerity to someone who likely would have to report it (I have to talk through any safeguarding issues with my supervisor). He then said that he was serious and said that he will kill her if he sees her again.
I ignored this for the moment. Hoping we could resolve the situation without him having to go and see her.
Mentioned it to my supervisor and she said to ask, in these words, “was there any domestic abuse in the household?” (instead of “was she abusive” or “were you abused” which I don’t say anyways tbf). I asked him the question, and he said “no” before describing ways in which he was definitely abusive… just barely shy of physically.
He didn’t want to hear what we told him anyways, left without letting me finish explaining how he can resolve his situation.
I’m now stuck. At first I thought he probably wasn’t serious. Surely he’s not going to kill his ex. That’s insane. But replaying the interaction in my head, I’m worried. Because, he blames her for his current situation (he’s also responsible), and he was saying truly vile things about her during our conversation.
I’m planning to bring this concern to my supervisor again tomorrow and see what she thinks. Or if our safeguarding lead is free I’ll mention it to her. It would be highly inappropriate and illegal for me to give his ex a heads up (we have her contact information) as this risks breaching confidentiality laws in my country and policies within the organization, but I’m also concerned that this guy could potentially do something very bad. Going to the police would also likely be inappropriate considering my position and the org’s stated aims.
Joys. The domestic abuse ones stick with me for a while.
Comments
Actually those confidentiality laws do not apply in cases where someone’s life is in danger say suicide or murder. Also if a child is being physically or sexually abused.
In the United States, if someone in therapy gives you cause to believe that they will hurt others or themself, the therapist can break confidentiality and go to the police.
I’m guessing you’re not in the United States, but that man means what he says, and he’s probably going to have to return to the house for something at some point. That woman is in grave danger unless you do something.