We waited 6 years to get married and have been together for 13. Two beautiful kids, a home, full-time jobs—on paper it looks like we’ve made it. But today, it broke. I told my husband I hate him. And I didn’t say it just to hurt him. I said it because it’s the truth I’ve been pushing down for too long.
Every day, I wake up at 5:40am, get both kids ready alone, work a full day, come home and cook while he watches TV. He doesn’t move even if the kids are screaming. I do dinner, bath time, bedtime—my job doesn’t end until 8:30pm. Even when I finally sit down to breathe, it’s only until someone else needs me. And he just… gets to exist. Undisturbed.
Today was the last straw. He napped while I cleaned the whole house. The second I sat down to play my game, he woke up and made snide comments about dinner not being ready. Then he threw my speaker across the room because it was “in his way.” That led to a screaming match—me begging him to understand that I need time for myself too. He apologized, said he “respects my need for hobbies.”
That lasted 25 minutes.
I was logging off my game when the baby found a piece of trash. I took it away, and as the baby cried, my husband muttered under his breath—again—something hateful about me being on my game. I called him out. He tried to backpedal like it was a joke. It wasn’t.
And I snapped. I yelled, “I fucking hate you,” and walked away with our son.
I keep trying to describe how I feel—burnout, resentment, anger—but every word just circles back to hate. I hate how invisible I feel. I hate how he never truly listens. I hate how often I ask for help and how quickly he forgets. I hate that I’m a ghost in my own home unless someone needs something.
I’m not asking for advice or to be told to leave. I think I already know how this ends. I just needed to let it out because he’ll never understand. And I’m just… so, so tired.
Comments
1st, blame his parents. They have raised a hopeless child. 2nd you are in the baby years it’s brutal and trying.
We all feel hated by our partners at some stage.
I wish I could just give you a hug and sit with you for some time, I don’t know how you do it but you have given your all. I hope you are able to take time off for yourself and demand that he takes on responsibilities, I mean DEMAND. I hope you don’t burnt out to the point where you begin to transfer aggression on your children.
I’m so sorry
Communication is always key to solving any problem.Try
I guess prepare to stay forever tired, divorced means your gonna still do it by yourself, did you think maybe try therapy/couples counseling, it could save the relationship and save whatever going with him that’s causing him to withdraw from duties/relationship, it’s your life, gotta do what you gotta do.
I have read this is the number one reason why women divorce men.
Hey, those kids appreciate you. I can’t say anything else because I don’t know anything else. I was a kid once, so I know that even if they don’t see it now, that someday they will look back and see you for the colossal strong person you’re being for them. Please know they don’t want you to be unhappy. I hope you get to a better place and can figure out exactly what you need to do to be alright.
Stop making dinner. Cereal for the foreseeable future
He is using weaponized incompetence. At this point you have one more extra child who is a man baby that you have to care and clean up after
When will men realize that gives women the Ick.
No I don’t want to fuck you after having to care for you like a child. Ew.
I once met a couple who were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. When I asked them what they key to this type of love was, all they could say was “You can deeply love someone and absolutely hate them. The key is to never stop liking them.”
If you are at the point of truly seriously hating your husband, that’s okay. Resentment absolutely does that. Exhaustion does that. Watching whom is supposed to be your partner sit around and do fuck all, while you’re running around keeping your household sane, is an absolute punch to the throat. & Then to hear petty little moody ass comments, to see a physical reaction like throwing your speaker across the room or to see a clear UNCALLED for reaction to a CHILD would also continuously piss me off.
The difference between staying and leaving is simple. If you stay, you could try counselling, not quite sure how that ones going to go… But – if you leave? You’ll still be number one for everything 100% of the time, the difference? Is the reward. You won’t be a single parent who’s married. You won’t be a mommy to a grown man. AND the best part? You’ll thrive knowing that you did this for you, on your damn own. You will have taught your children to not settle for awful treatment. To choose themselves in a hard moment.
Take your time. But feel your feelings. If you hate him, you are fully capable of leaving and living your life. You already do 95% of it on your own. Let yourself free. Let yourself move on. Let yourself have an ounce of happiness.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I want to to know though, as someone who’s father was like that- we (the kids) notice. So as your kids get older, they will love, notice, and appreciate your hard work. They will see that he doesn’t care.
You need to get out asap and keep those kids safe from thinking that relationships should be like this.
Why are you still with that fucking manchild?
Good lord
He understands. He knows exactly what’s happening. He’s just too greedy and selfish to change his ways. He won’t change until you are done with him. And then he’ll change… for a few weeks. But it never lasts long.
He sounds like the majority of men, basic and grown up babies that look for a mother other than a partner. You are not his mother. Unfortunately the woman being the one chocked up by chores is part of how our society (patriarchal society) is built and it is time to change this.
Reclaim your time and your needs.
Put boundaries if you want this relationship to have a future. This is going to be hard because after so many years he made an habit of sitting on his ass while you do literally everything.
If you split, I really hope for you that your next relationship will be more balanced.
A wise friend once told me that one thing a marriage can’t withstand is contempt. That’s when I realized my marriage was over. Walk away. You deserve better.
Keep the children away from your toxic childish arguments
It sounds like he deserves the hate. I don’t blame you one bit.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Married for 7 years, together for 17. One of the lessons I learned is my wife and I have a marriage of partners. It’s not a boss and employee dynamic. Being partners means doing the stuff we’re good at and trying to be equitable for each other. That way we have our shared and our own lives. What you have is someone who looks at you as a nanny and a maid. Hope you get better soon.
Dump him
Just go to your parents house for a few days with the kids , then see the magic 🪄.
So basically youre his mother, and he is your Son.
Ever talked about the situation or only screamed? You Guys can fix this together, if you both want.
You can’t change him, he can change him.
Work it out for the sake of your family
Stop cleaning everything, leave the area around the sofa and TV dirty, stop cooking (hide a snack), cook things he doesn’t like, stop cleaning his laundry, put on a strong perfume that he doesn’t like. In short, piss him off, make his life at home less pleasant.
He won’t get better. He’ll make promises. Tell you he will. But he won’t. You’ll keep circling the same path you are now. Been there, lived it.
Everything he’s doing is intentional
I hate him too.
This isn’t advice just my thought when I see this. Because unfortunately we all see it way too often. I think every woman should leave for a week early on. Just leave. The husband doesn’t get to prepare. He doesn’t get to make sure he gets a good nights rest. He doesn’t get a how to. All he gets is a list of what the wife would get done during that week. For instance, daily you need to get the kids up, make breakfast, feed pets, make sure they have everything, get them to the bus by 7:40a, take the dog out, go to work, get the kids off the bus, help them with homework, make dinner, bath time, clean the kitchen, bedtime by 9. And then weekly, call to make x appointment, do 7 loads of laundry, vacuum, clean bathrooms, grocery shop, change bedding, take kid x to soccer on Tuesday and Thursday, etc.
That’s it. No details. No one gives the woman a how to they just figure it out. He can not call unless it’s an emergency. If he has a scheduling conflict, too bad. It happens all the time.
I truly believe that if this was a common practice we’d see a big shift in relationships like this. And if there isn’t you do it again or leave. Either he respects his wife or he doesn’t. But either way she doesn’t need to put up with it.
As a father of two children, I’m forever being told by other women how amazing it is how much work I do with the children and around the house compared to their husbands. Yet I know I don’t do anywhere near as much as my partner.
So while I’m getting kudos for doing a bit more than the bare minimum I can’t help but think that some/a lot of men really need to pull their fingers out and do some work around the house
Just remember that you were ok with this and enabled it for years instead of adressing it before you had kids.
Your about to feel Nicole Kidman in that picture once he’s out the house trust me
I’ll never understand dudes that operate this way. You should approach life as a matter of personal pride in yourself to get shit done. Having a partner should make it easier but that doesn’t mean you let the foot off the gas yourself. You should still approach it as if it’s your own responsibility. There have been times when I have not helped with dinner or something or vice versa but usually it’s a recognized “oh you had a busy ass day” take a minute I got this kinda scenario. It’s just gross that so many men are willing to live like toddlers this way.
I thought you said he worked. Does he work from home?
“Hey bud, get a job, or me and the kids are out.”
“The divorce came out of nowhere”
Start documenting everything trust me
This sounds all too familiar. 😒
Im sorry, thats a miserable way to live. You sound like a wonderful mom, if its any consolation from an internet stranger. Your man is a child, and he needs a huge wake up call. Cheers, I hope you get some time to play your game ❤️
My husband can be a jerk too he’s smart Alec and does no chores but he does cook sometimes and takes care of child and provides for the house. As sometimes can be rough cause sits there on his phone while I clean he half ass does his share, your husband sounds like you’re his mommy and have to take care of everything. I don’t agree with this….not fair. At least do something sir
Whatever your plans are, just make sure you don’t do anything else for him. Stop cooking him dinner and just cook for yourself and the kids. Stop doing his laundry, let it pile up. He is capable of doing these things himself.
As heartbreaking as this all is, OP – you’ll be fine! I was your son in this story, my mom worked her ass off until eventually my dad kicked her to the curb with literally nothing. 10 years later, this morning actually, I’m going to paint the walls in the house my mom just purchased on her own. My dad held her back her whole life. She went back to school at age 40, started a new career and has excelled. Clearly you work your ass off, it’s time for you to shine, the people that matter in your life will be proud of you, your husband will die being jealous of what you have.
Why don’t you communicate your feelings to him and see how he reacts? Granted if you’re done with the relationship you’re done BUT (and I know it’s not my opinion that matters) I think you should at least try to make it work for your kids, I’m sorry you have to put up with this🫶
Feel awful for you. Fuck him man. I cant pretend to understand the complexities of your life together but i does sound like no matter what you do, this wont change. Or if it does, it wont last long! Maybe the idea of divorce will spur him into action but i doubt it. Best of luck to you and your kids!!
Why aren’t you ruining his fun time with snide comments? Must be nice to have time to play video games, take a nap, have a meal prepared, have no childcare responsibilities. Wake his ass up at 5:30 and tell him to get one of the kids ready, or to get breakfast started. Tell him you’re going to visit a friend or family for a few days and leave him with the kids, and make one day a weekday so he sees exactly everything you do.
Been there, done that. He is likely never going to change. Have you ever considered that your life might be EASIER without him in it?
It’s honestly upsetting when one partner is perpetually lazy while the other is basically supporting the entire family. My wife and I have been married for over 17 years, and we do all we can to make the chores equitable.
This is a really tough situation for OP, but her husband has to take the hint to step up or the marriage will not last.
Take care of your kids and yourself. Stop doing ANYTHING for him. When someone shows you who they are…believe them. He won’t change. He’ll stay and immature little man baby. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP! Stay strong and remember you are AMAZING and STRONG and you CAN and WILL get through this and come out happy on the other end!
That’s a lot of em-dashes. Usually a sign of GPT.
Account created 4 days ago.
sounds like you 2 need a good sitdown and talk about these things
I remember the exact moment when I realized that my first marriage was over. The circumstances were different from yours, but the moment is the same. Something inside me finally simply broke, and I knew immediately that there was nothing on heaven or earth that could unbreak it.
What I’ve learned since that time, 30+ years ago is that I can’t fix broken people. They can only fix themselves. If they get to the point of accepting that and begin to honest start the work of fixing themselves, I can help, but it has to start with them in a genuine way.
Deciding to walk away from that brokenness was the hardest, best decision I’ve ever made.
I’ll also say this – ask this rather. What are you teaching your children by staying in an abusive relationship?
Assert dominance tell him you are cooking today and dont listen. lay on the sofa and open a beer. or go to the room after work and say everything is on you today lock the door and sleep.
its a psychologic war sadly we man do all the time and dont worry its not a big deal for man we take those type of fight not serious at all. if he does become toxic and starts to scream to this behaviour. i am so sorry but your husband is really fucked up and you need to take some big decisions.
what he should say is: pff fucker won i think i am doing the work today and laugh if he is a good man but just lazy this should be his reaction
I can fix him
Throwing things is abuse. You hate him because he’s a bad person. A bad partner. A bad father. Get him out of the house. He shouldn’t be your third child.
Not going to comment to sway your mind one way or the other, but just a couple questions..? Was he always like this..? Where is the guy you married..? What circumstances occurred to have him in such a monotone, depressive cycle..?
..and lastly, is he redeemable, or is this the guy you’ve married, and you just didn’t see it at first..?
Your husband is a shitbag. You’ll feel loads better once you lose that extra 200 lbs, trust me. Don’t let him continue to crush your spirit.
You’re already doing everything anyway, it’s amazing how much easier it becomes once the extra kid is gone.
It’s another ChatGPT post. You can tell by the double dashes: —
Be strong!! Good luck!!
You are heard. You are seen.
Hope your situation gets better
No actual good person would throw a speaker because it’s in their way. Especially with a baby around. This guy needs to be divorced
Damn i hate your husband too
You got this momma’s, no matter the choices you make from here on out. You will and can mldo better! You’re seen and heard girlfriend!
They’re all like that. Preach it louder for the singles who still don’t know.
I’m sorry your husband hates you OP. Please, for your children’s sakes, please show them what they should do if they’re ever in that situation with their partner. Leave. Show your children that they should not stay in a relationship where both people hate each other, snipe at each other, have yelling arguments that aren’t resolved. Show them what they should do if they’re treated as a domestic servant/bangmaid by a man who does so little and yet still destains them. Leave. Be the parent they need right now, model a healthy behavior and GET OUT before they start to believe that the dynamic you two are displaying right now is normal and ok
What was his response to you saying that?
As of today, I give you permission to drop the rope. Don’t do anything for him. Do not cook for him, do not do his laundry, do not book his appointments. Nothing. Use that energy to make your exit plan. You are already doing everything alone, you may as well be alone. And possibly in the future, find someone who actually wants a partner and not just a bangmaid.
Food for thought: what is in there for you if you stay?
Why are they all like this. I’m so fucking exhausted
Hope it gets better 🙏🏻
You don’t actually hate your husband you just hate the way you feel obviously don’t leave him that’s a bit drastic just sit down and talk with him if you feel yourself getting angry then just stop the conversation for a bit until you’ve calmed down yelling only makes things worse
The thing I have found is to just state it out in the open and leave no room for negotiations, I would just sit him down and say this. “how you exist as a husband and father and as a person is not acceptable, you need to get a job, you need to contribute in an equal means to myself and you need to change your attitude and respect me or I am leaving and that is the end of this conversation, I expect to see you applying for jobs tomorrow and next week you have better had a complete attitude change and be taking interviews, this is not a discussion, i am letting you know what I will do if mine and the families needs are not met” Some people don’t get it until it’s just laid out for them, even if you and your husband have fought 100 times, he literally might have never thought “she might leave me if i don’t do better”.
I don’t have advice. But this, I fear, will be my future…sigh.
Stories like this just make me think divorce him.
But if you don’t, get family therapy since you have kids together. Life isn’t over just because this is your current situation.
I am so glad you ended your post how you did. I hope you feel better for getting it out!
See ya loser chump boy! 👋 fuck THAT guy! I’m really proud of how hard you’ve been working & you’re going places!
“And he just… gets to exist. Undisturbed.” because you’ve let him. you married him and enabled this behaviour. and he sounds like the kind of man who’d insult you for suggesting he makes dinner or cares for the kids. and in this case i ask, why are you still with this man? i hate him too lol. your kids appreciate you, i promise <3
My parents were together for about as long as you and your husband have been.
My mom was the main breadwinner while my dad was chronically unemployed and played computer games every weekday and wanted to drive an hour every weekend to play with his friends. My mom had to beg him to keep it to every other weekend so she could have a break.
Eventually, my dad got so comfortable in his role in the household that he began an affair with a woman he met on one of his games. But by that point, my mom had long since been at the resentment stage and it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was a tween when they separated and I’ve resented my father ever since because I saw for myself what a lazy POS my dad was. Did I have good memories with him? Yes. But the harm done by his lack of participation in parenting or marriage left me unable to fully respect him.
I’m all grown up now, about to turn 28. My relationship with my bio dad is still tense. I developed a lot of anxiety issues based on things I saw my dad do, and the things he failed to do. I’ve been working with a therapist for years trying to untangle the mess of mental health issues growing up as the only child in a toxic marriage. Meanwhile, neither of my parents are in therapy.
For the sake of your kids, I highly suggest either leaving or talking to a therapist both with your husband and by yourself. If your husband refuses or doesn’t participate in more than a session or two, then you should leave him. Don’t let your kids grow up to resent their parent(s) because your resentment will grow with them and they’ll be able to pick up on it the way I did. I don’t blame my mom for hoping my dad could be better, but I blame both of them for letting me see them at their worst.
!updateme
It’s really shitty to make your kids grow up in this environment. Bordering on abusive. Please leave this turd.
I’m sure you are tired. I’m exhausted just reading and putting myself in your position.
I will just say, if you didn’t have a man child making mess it would be easier to clean up.
You would be less resentful and have more free time if an able bodied adult wasn’t just watching and criticizing, while not helping.
Lastly, you might have more money you could spend on a housekeeper or a nanny, if he was required to give you child support.
Maybe after you kick him out your mom or a sister could move in?
Kids are easier with multiple adults that actually all help, or just one adult that isn’t working to make it worse.
My fiance, sister, BIL, and myself all live in one house with my niece. Fiance and I have a basement suite. We have a unique situation but it works for us. My sister is my best friend. Everything is cheaper with multiple incomes splitting things, and unpredictable childcare issues are more manageable with four options of people to help.
Maybe you have a friend you love like family and you can team up to help each other and basically parent together? There are outside the box solutions that would make you happier, but they might take some short term pain first.
Life doesn’t have to be this hard. I’m so sorry.
I don’t have much to add, but I also hate your husband.
It feels like hate…but it’s coming from betrayal…because you can hate someone who has betrayed you…sorry
He’s an idiot. Start planning your escape. Marriage doesn’t have to be this way. He sounds like a total loser.
I had this exact life for nearly 20 years, we got together as teens, he wasn’t like it to start with but the longer I stayed and forgave the little things the less he tried, I had a full time job and two young kids, he never lifted a finger, he was basically a stranger to his own children, when they went to bed he demanded my full attention and would throw a fit if I even dared to do something I wanted.
After months of begging him to at least try to get up in the mornings to help get the kids ready for school or help make dinner and put them to bed in the evening I finally cracked and packed bags for me and the kids.
It’s been a year, I can’t believe how much my life has improved, he had me convinced I needed him but in reality he was slowly killing me with stress and lack of sleep.
And on the backend of it all he’s finally became the father his kids need and we split time with the kids, everyone wins!
You’re a married single mother. You deserve better.
I don’t get why you allowed him to get away with this behavior for so long. I would’ve demanded change immediately after it started and if it didn’t change then I would’ve left.
He won’t realize how much he messed up until it’s too late.
I’ve got no advice for you, more than enough of that already from others.
I just wanted to say that I see you, I’m proud of you for taking a stand, and please have a big, big virtual hug.
Much love x
Been there. I’ll tell you it’s easier to do it alone without the weight of a full grown man holding you down.
This is probably the number one reason I left my ex-husband. There are good partners out there.
I can almost guarantee this will be twisted back on you with a “why didn’t you say something sooner?” as if all the signs weren’t there. He chose to ignore them!
Time to go. I’m sorry.
You can only stay unless he immediately takes begins taking strong, consistent action to change. Otherwise, go.
What your not changing- your accepting
Tell him to get off his fat ass and DO HIS PART!
What you permit is what you promote
This behavior never ends.
You teach people how to treat you.
Next time, don’t teach your significant other this is acceptable behavior.
This is really outside the pay grade for Reddit. Most men, myself included, would immediately say, “take what you need to get by” meaning, leave some of the chores, or take turns, or whatever you can work out. Most wives seem to internalize those things as being REQUIRED. Yes, and no, and maybe.
First off, what if you alternate days. Your day your way, his day his way. It may help provide a wake-up call for how much you’re doing.
Second, maybe it doesn’t all need to be done. I’m sure it does, I’m sure it’s all vitally important cleaning that you are accustomed to knocking out every day because you have to, but maybe a few of those things could be delayed a day, a week, or maybe forever. I find the biggest disconnect for us is me being expected to participate in chores that either aren’t the real priority(Doctor appointments and school activities rank higher to me) or don’t have a realistic schedule.
Finally, you have children and no matter how much downtime he seems to have now, neither of you has enough downtime anymore. Carve some out anyway you can but it will never be enough.
I am right in it with you. I’ve heard that “you are something the whole world is doing”, for some reason this work in relationships is having to be done by a lot of us all over. I don’t have the answer, but just like… in your core… your star dust primordial ooze… you are not alone. I just keep trying to come back to my breath and be in this exact moment.
I was like your man quite a while ago. My wife kept after me until I understood, and now I try to help out every day. I hate cooking, but do it anyway to help out, plus other annoying chores. I mean, it’s not like she likes doing that crap either.
Like them expecting supper to be ready at 5pm on the dot, every day. Meanwhile, I work full time and don’t get off until 430pm. I finally told him that supper would never ever be ready at 5pm and if he was hungry at that time (after his 2hr nap) he could make himself something to eat. Otherwise, he could wait until I have it ready
Damn, I think I might hate him too
I hated my ex husband, too. Because of ALL the similar reasons. I m divorced for 14 years. I will NEVER get married again and I am dead-set against marriage. It is a really dumb, sexist, bullshit institution. There is NO need for it. If you hate him and the hatred persists and he continues to be a little titty baby, divorce his ass.
Sounds like you’re already living a single life, and you know what you need to do. There are, in fact, lots of programs for single parents; you might even find yourself getting more support once you’ve moved out. My local shelter considered this type of behavior from husbands’ abuse and provides support and connections to resources that will help with finding housing, among other things, like clothing and food if needed.
You’re going to love finding someone who has no responsibilities to you or your kids and has structural permission to do absolutely nothing.
First of all, let me say yourself hugged. I can’t offer advice and sounds like you don’t need any but you definitely sound like you could use a hug.
I remember my own version of this fight with my soon to be ex (the one where he called my 80 year old Mother a ‘cunt’ and where I called 911 on myself because I hated him and was so mad I wanted to kill him and needed someone in authority to tell him not to talk to me again that night.) The next day he came in the kitchen (sober by then) and asked if I still loved him. My answer was ‘nope.’ Asked did I hate him? My answer was ‘yep.’ I left soon after and have been so at peace ever since. Not always happy but so, so at peace. Luckily we didn’t have kids together so I never have to see his sorry ass again.
I wish you nothing but happiness in the future, whatever your decisions.
“Wife appliance” shit.
I wish you the best in what’s to come. I promise it feels so much easier
No this sounds miserable and honestly? I hate him too just reading this.
Get your ducks in a row and file.
You do it to yourself. While he’s in the wrong too, You set up his expectations by doing it all. He’s a lazy selfish twit to not help on his own accord, but it sounds as if you’ve waited until contempt forced you to finally communicate. Divorce with children is terrible and expensive for the one that makes the most money. Plus, it hurts the children, I’ve been down this road and you can’t repair a thousand tiny cuts. So, you should leave so he isn’t with someone who despises him. Next relationship, either decide what you do is out of love and not expect something in return and don’t expect a person to read your mind. I’ve found being single is better anyways cause humans suck at compromising and communication.
I loved life after separation and divorce because I could do basically everything I did before without hating and resenting someone I had to live with
Like a huge weight off my shoulders, he just did what he wanted alone, or with someone else while paying the child support, it was almost always his income that we all lived on, but without rubbing my nose in it all the time
Kids grew up and all independent, husbands and smarter than me and probably won’t be fathering children
Leave him. He clearly doesn’t have any respect for you or your children don’t teach your children that is how relationships work. Hope you find your strength to get through this
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I hope you are able to find peace very soon, in whatever form that may be!
This is why my brother got divorced. I moved in with him and I can see it all now.
Run