For context, I regularly nanny my 2.5 y/o mixed race cousin(niece? cousin? She’s my cousin’s kid). Her mother is black and her father is white. I am white myself, and unsure of how to handle this situation.
This morning while I was getting her dressed for school, she said “I’m a nword”. I was in complete shock, but since she’s so young, it was possible i misunderstood her, so I asked for clarification. She says it again with even more clarity, and at this point I am certain of what she said.
As someone who is not part of their immediate family, i didn’t want to overstep her parents authority, but i think it’s pretty obvious she shouldn’t even know that word, much less say it. I told her, “we do not say that word. That is not a nice word. And we definitely do not say that word at school.”
I texted her mom about it, letting her know the situation wondering if she could provide some clarity. I have been nannying this little girl for 3 months now and have never heard her say that. Mom called to tell me that her and her husband have heard her say the exact same sentence this past week, and they asked her where she heard that word from, but she refuses to give an answer.
Together, we determined that she either learned this from one particular family member or at preschool. Both conclusions are alarming. On one hand, an adult is saying a derogatory word around her, one that has been historically used to oppress people like her; and if the other case is true, that means other toddlers are calling her this at school.
Idk, I’m just distraught. It makes me sad that she knows that word, even if she doesn’t understand the implications of it. She’s just a baby. The thought of her potentially experiencing racism at preschool is sickening.
If she says it again, how can I deter her or make her understand how horrible the word is and that it isn’t appropriate for her to say?
Comments
This is sad and horrifying.
What you said to her in the moment was fine. She is 2 1/2 years old. Immediately calling her mother and explaining what happened was also the correct response.
If she says it again before her parents pick her up I would just repeat what you told her previously. “We do not use that word.” You could also try saying “That is a word that hurts people’s feelings, just like hitting hurts people’s bodies.” It just depends on what she is able to understand at this stage of development. Then redirect her and go play or do a different activity.
You will need to discuss with her parents what to say to her in the future. Hopefully they can figure out who is saying this disgusting language in front of her and confront them.
Sorry for this situation, but she is a cousin. She is your first cousin once removed.
But just cousin or niece, why not? if it’s not going to cause any confusion. A close relative who isn’t your child.
I think you did the right thing.
I might keep asking her where she heard it but in different ways.
Like if my kids said something like that at her age my response would have essentially been “Who told you that?”
Let her parents take the lead on this. I am sure they will try to discourage her from saying it in some way and just go along with however they deem best.
You just simply say “That is a very strong word! Let use these words to describe yourself instead. Can you say them with me? I am kind, funny, growing, big girl, mom’s helper, your helper, big/little sister, Daddy’s girl, a blessing, Gods child.” And every day say “Let go over the words that describe you! Let’s say the words!” These affirmations will imprint on her and when she hears someone say ” You are this” she can say out loud or in her head, “No, I am gods child.” This is a great way to make art with the words and decorate them, so she sees them AND hears them.
When she says it, does it rhyme with Jigga or does it rhyme with bigger?
You let the parents know. Your job is done there. You follow her parents’ advice as to how to handle any repeats.
You did exactly right.
More info needed; -er or -a?
You did your bit. It’s parents job to navigate from here on out.
I will say making a massive deal of it will encourage them to say it again at that age. Toddlers don’t understand inequality or racism. I would blank it, act as if they said nothing at all next time & just mention it to the parents after. Best way to discourage it.
I had a black dog once and the little 5yr old black boy down the block called it an N-word. And I was like WTF?
She’s your second cousin ijs. And I like the advice about the affirmations but her parents should talk to the school and find out if it came from another kid
Just for the record, the child of your first cousin is your first cousin once removed, but niece works too, even if it’s not exactly correct.
One small move you can try:
A two-year-old repeating words without understanding them is normal, but you need to tell her parents immediately so they can address it properly.
Deeper lens: it may be a shadow part asking to be heard kindly.
Is it possible that she’s being exposed to Spanish/other latin language? Just wondering b/c my son goes to a bilingual spanish preschool and his father speaks a different Latin language, and for a minute i thought he was saying the n word but it was actually just the toddler version of black.
did she say it like all despondent like it was a self hate thing? poor baby. sometimes people will teach little biracial babies stuff like that thinking its cute and its not
FYI the child is your first cousin once removed.