I (18M) used to compete in a sport when I was 14 (I don’t want to say what since it’s kind of uncommon and I don’t want to be recognized) where we had contact with coaches of a different but similar sport. One of those coaches (30M at the time) convinced me to let him teach me, not competing or anything, just for fun. I ended up getting really into it and became friends with him.
I’d go over to his place after we finished practice (came up in another subreddit, but the practice area was public with a lot of people around but the gear isn’t super safe to drive in, we’d just go to his place so he could change into something safe to drive in) so he could change and give me a ride home, and we hung out outside of practice to go to movies or get dinner or something. We weren’t usually alone getting dinner and he’d introduce me to his friends, but when I’d go over to his place it was just us. I still hang out with him, he’ll give me rides and has given me gifts (not a car or anything, just things like he saw a bag of candy and thought I’d like it) but it’s not like he’s ever tried to do anything, y’know? Usually he’ll just mirror what I do, like I hug a lot of people goodbye and I’ve hugged him so he’ll do that, etc.
I was telling a family friend about him and she said it sounded like grooming and inappropriate for an adult to do with a minor, but it’s never felt like more than a mentor relationship. He and I are both gay and he helped me figure out how to come out to my family and stuff so I always thought of him as chosen family more than it being inappropriate but I guess I could be missing it since I’m in the middle of it. Does it sound inappropriate?
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it is not appropriate for a GROWN ASS MAN to be seeking attention and “hanging out” with underaged children. It’s easy to not understand this as a kid, you feel grown up and the attention is nice but real responsible adult seek interactions with other adults, not children. Whether he had bad intentions or not, it wasn’t appropriate behaviour and your parents should have stepped in. Movies, dinner and hanging out at his house sounds much closer to dating than a coach-student relationship.
I agree that it’s grooming. What he did was beyond mentorship and into inappropriate territory.
That sounded more like a friendly mentor relationship, and it sounded healthy. You didn’t say he changed in front of you. And the affection is small, so it seems to me that the person who saw a problem should start looking inward and find out why they think its a problem. There wasn’t anything sexual mentioned or anything grooming-like.
Just the age difference alone, yes.
It’s so hard now because I do believe there are just good people out there and they may see a kid that needs a little guidance and are not looking to harm them or take advantage of them
In some way.
The level
Of friendship
You seem
To have does not seem normal.
He should be with adults and you, people close to
Your own age.
I would spend time with an 18 year old just as long as I had to, no longer. No offense, but the age difference would drive me crazy. I would help with the sport and or academics and then be done. No candy, no hang outs no anything beyond what I can give a young person professionally.
If I
Thought you needed help, I would find it, professionally, but it would not be me.
I would distance yourself a little and not
Spend
So much time with him.
He’s helped you and now you can move on and date, be with people your age.
I don’t see any lines that have been crossed but I do see how a line could be crossed instantly.
So from what I understand, he has been your mentor for 4 years and helped you out in life but hasn’t done anything beyond that. It sounds like he might just be a great guy that cares about you.
Terms like grooming are being thrown around so often. There’s nothing that this man has done that suggests he is grooming you. You’re a legal adult now and still he’s done nothing.
Any suggestion that he’s a groomer is purely conjecture.
Why does everybody think that everybody is out to take advantage of everybody? He may just want to mentor. I mean, how long have you known this person?
YES. It definitely sounds inappropriate. There’s no reason at all for a grown man to hang out with a 14 yr old. Hugging? NO. Plus the fact that he helped you come out to your family means you all were definitely talking about your sexuality. I know you said he hasn’t tried anything, but at all it takes is one time for him to cross a boundary. Please heed with caution and probably create some distance
So this person coached you in a sport related to yours, has been a good mentor, hasn’t done anything that’s made you feel uncomfortable, and supported you in coming out to your family?
Based on what you’ve written, I don’t think there’s anything untoward going on here. I was a closeted athlete in high school surrounded by a lot of homophobia. It was a struggle coming out to my family and I wish I had the support you did. People like that are few and far between.
It’s the “hanging out alone at his place” that sounds super questionable.
People are so fucking stupid. He seems like someone genuinely wanting to help you. If he crosses a line then you know but otherwise you seem lucky to have an older brother figure looking out for you and helping you. I hate people who so casually throw around grooming and pedophilia, like what the actual fuck. Obviously that is an issue but there are many genuinely good people who care about children and their community. So fucking sad this day and age.
Maybe he thinks of you as a daughter? I’m mentoring someone at work; she and her boyfriend have been to my house for dinner with my girlfriend. It’s all very innocent. I don’t see anything wrong with it.
Sounds friendly to me. Jesus… My best friend as a kid was 80. It wasn’t improper.. everyone isn’t trying to molest kids geez…
THE REDDITSPHERE HAS SPOKEN!! Contrary to what everyone is saying, you really haven’t given us enough to know, one way or another. Why don’t you speak with a professional, like your therapist, and put the question to them. They’ll be able to ask questions, dig deeper, and give you a more viable answer, along with what to do about it, if necessary. The Redditsphere is a popularity contest. We absolutely love you, before we absolutely hate you. Good luck, and consider it to be part of your growth journey.
Updateme