Sooooo I have been with my hubby for 30 years- married for 23. My MIL has hated me from the jump. She is what you call a cold fish….ice cold. Nothing I did ever made her happy. We politely called her Mrs. Miserable behind her back. No matter what you said, she had it worse than anyone. She always made me feel….less than. I wasn’t good enough for her son. We planned our wedding on a weekend that celebrated my family’s heritage. She was appalled! She made it well known she hated this theme. Her son had absolutely no issues with it and thought it would be fun. Mommy Dearest on the other hand….absolutely not. She was going to wear black to my wedding. She made it well known at my bridal shower. My aunt shamed her in front of everyone so she wore dark purple….the next appropriate color for mourning. You get the gist.
When we bought our first home she would rearrange my China cabinet because she didn’t like where I put things. She would cut “Dear Abbey” articles out of the newspaper and stick them on our fridge before she left about disrespectful daughter in laws or daughters that can’t cook/clean/keep a good home. Mind you- I worked my ass off to do all these things and hubby was happy. We eventually had our son after very difficult pregnancy and she got nasty in the beginning and told me up front I was “not allowed” to give him a name from my family’s heritage. For her the wedding was torture enough. I ignored her of course and we did as we pleased. She put nasty “Dear Abbey’s” up on our fridge about raising a spoiled brat….about my 2 year old. That’s when hubby uncorked. He took her and my father in law (who is honestly a gem!) and told them they will never be welcome again if she ever disrespects me like this again. She still got back in little ways. Christmas and birthdays- piles of gifts for my nieces but our son would only get 2. We stopped opening Christmas gifts with them together because I didn’t want my son to see the unbalanced bias and be upset.
Over the years she still got her digs in to me and my son. The hate never went away. She just got better at hiding it in front of hubby. Now many years later, I am not the people pleaser I once tried to be with her. In fact most in the family know I keep my distance and why. Except 10 months ago she was talking to me at a holiday dinner. She started slipping and talking nonsense. Her hands were shaking and she couldn’t remember basic words. I raised alarm bells to hubby and his sister. I was ignored. Three weeks later, it happened again in front of them. She went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. She’s been hiding it for some time, but now her symptoms are bad and she views it as a death sentence. Everyone is voicing that we need to leap in to help and care for her. Hubby and I are struggling. This is the last thing I want to do to someone who treated me like crap for years. It’s only hubby and his sister. The sister has a huge amount of other stuff on her plate. We don’t have as much….but…I am still struggling. I am trying not to be petty. I love my father in law. I don’t want him doing all of this on his own. I just don’t know that I can objectively be kind to a woman who has done nothing but despise me and my son. Am I being to petty?
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as queen_4_petty posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe queen_4petty JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
I don’t think that you’re being petty at all. It might be best to have a homecare assessment done.
No, you are not petty, you have to take care of yourself and your family and that includes mental health. FIL should get a nurse for his wife or some in-house care. You can help him with finding a good solution, but one that will not burden you with her care. Take care! I wish you the best.
Here’s the thing — there’s not real much you CAN do if you don’t have the training
Parkinson’s is about finding the correct combination of medication, seeing a movement disorder specialist (to make sure they’re properly diagnosed and on the correct path in terms of medication and therapy), please insist on all the appropriate scans that can rule out/in other issues, and for MIL — she NEEDS to do whatever she’s being told to do.
She also needs an assessment for cognitive dysfunction
It’s not an automatic death sentence
And depending on the results of everything above she may need to move to an assisted living facility to get PROPERLY cared for
Please don’t take on her care — because ultimately you’re not qualified and if she’ll have balance issues — she can get hurt and you all could get hurt trying to “help” her
You can be supportive to FIL and a safe place for him to vent and seek refuge
Please take care of yourselves and really understand that the best help is professional help
Edit I read in one of your comments that they’re scared of “theft”
This would be a great time to invest in a safe (a couple hundred dollars) bolted to the floor
You take everything that is valuable — paperwork, jewelry, credit/bank/bill information and passwords, wills and power of attorney EVERYTHING that is valuable and fits goes in there
Also catalog and store any art or larger valuables and put into protective storage
This is a great way to “passify” them in terms of strangers in the house — because nobody is going to walk off with a couch unnoticed
But more importantly — in case of death, everything is in one spot and organized
Unless FIL is incapacitated, there’s really nothing for you to do. She’ll receive care for it medically.
A caregiver role is hard and only for those who want to take it on. If your husband wants to help, let him, but you don’t have to do anything.
You’re definitely not being petty. Oftentimes women are expected to take on the majority of the burden in these situations and I am afraid that will happen to you if you don’t take a firm stand. It’s hard to tell from your post what your husband expects from you, though. Please don’t feel guilty about prioritizing yourself over someone who treated you like crap for decades.
It’s not petty to say you cannot take on more for someone who has been at best unkind and at worse downright cruel to you and your son. If you can get an assessment done of her needs, that will give you a better idea of what home are services – is she eligible for Medicare/Medicaid or similar outside the US?
I wish you the best going forwards.
Op, there is nothing petty about this.
If you’re not equipped or prepared to handle something like this, then you’re not equipped or prepared to handle this.
This is basically an expectation to be her palliative care, that you drop everything in your life for this one thing. How is that fair on you guys? You have your own lives and own shit to deal with, and, to put it bluntly, elderly palliative care, regardless of whether or not its parkinsons, can be rough, especially if its not something youre trained, equipped and prepare for; theres also the question on how it impacts the patients quality of life if untrained and ill-equipped people are caring for her complex medical needs. You aren’t being petty. Although I’m wondering about the pettiness of other family members by putting the expectation on you.
We have a saying in my area…”she made her bed, now she has to lay in it.” You owe her no help.