I’ve been married nearly 5 years, together since 2016. Early years were amazing, we married in 2020 and had a daughter in 2021. He’s a wonderful dad and a good man, but over the last few years our relationship has broken down.
- We barely communicate – issues get swept under the rug.
- He has Periodic Limb Movement Disorder so I’ve slept on the sofa for years, killing intimacy.
- He has porn addiction/ “death grip” issues so sex has been unfulfilling for a long, long time.
- He makes his job his main priority, leaving me feeling unsupported, especially when our daughter was a baby.
I’ve become reactive, unkind, and just not a nice partner. We agreed to open our marriage a year or so ago which has been amazing for me to have my unmet needs MET – casual fun was fine, but I met someone I actually connect with. He’s ambitious and similar to me, and I’m developing feelings.
I know I can’t risk everything on a 6-week fling, but I also can’t imagine this guy not in my life. I’m very aware of concepts like limerence and “the grass is greener where you water it”. I’m also aware that it might not necessarily be about *this* guy at all…just the fact that he’s a catalyst shining a light on everything I’m not willing to put up with anymore for the rest of my life with my husband. I’m anxious, losing weight, can’t sleep, drinking too much and just feel broken.
My husband hasn’t cheated or abused me. On paper we look fine. But I’m deeply unhappy and don’t know if this is just a rough patch after kids (which I know is common) or the end of the marriage. Like, how do you actually know!? I’m no longer in love with him, I think I know that much.
If you’ve been in a similar place – how did you decide whether to fight for the marriage or let it go? How do you stop yourself from making a rash decision you can’t undo?
TL;DR: Married 5 years, together since 2016, one child. Husband is a good dad but intimacy/communication have broken down (sleep issues, porn addiction, job stress). We opened our marriage, I met someone new and have feelings after 6 weeks. Now I feel stuck between staying in an unhappy marriage or risking everything for someone new. Anxious, sleepless, drinking too much, trying to hold it together for my daughter. Unsure if this is just a rough patch or the end. Looking for advice from anyone who’s been here.
Comments
I’m a firm believer that, if you don’t absolutely 100% enthusiastically want to be in a relationship with someone, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t. If you’re debating whether or not this relationship is good for you, it isn’t.
It seems to me that y’all have both left this relationship, and you confirmed that when you decided to open the marriage, rather than addressing your issues. If you don’t want to be married to him anymore, then you should figure out how to leave. You should not leave “for” this new person — that is probably not going to work out long-term — but you should leave because you don’t want to be married anymore. If you want to be married, then you have to drop the new person and ask your husband to commit to making the big changes that would be required in order to have a mutually supporting relationship.
As a woman who really deeply needs and values intimacy from her partner, I can see where you’re coming from. Second bullet point made me say she needs to get out. You have one life to live. It’s truly unkind to yourself to accept this life when you’re not even able to sleep in the same bed as your partner. Some of the most intimate and joyful times I have with my significant other is in the mornings when we’re in bed cuddling. Marriage is work, but that’s work on both ends. When you opened it to other people, that was the end of it truthfully. The relationship was over. I think the fact you’re feeling what you’re feeling for someone new also speaks volumes about where your relationship stands. I don’t think it would be wrong to live your life doing what you need to do to be happy. Whatever that looks like, and whoever doesn’t like it? Tough. It’s your life. Think about yourself and your happiness and make your decision.