My husband (27M) and I (28F) have been married for 3 years, together for 13. We met as kids—he was the athletic jock, I leaned toward the arts. Over time, we’ve both changed, but lately our differences feel like they’re pulling us apart.
I work full time in education while also attending college. By the end of the week I’m drained, so I usually save energy for the weekends. I love sleeping in, going to movies, or taking little adventures. My husband works a 9–5 in a medical office. He often wants to hang out with friends after work and has gotten deeply into Magic: The Gathering (a newer hobby). The tricky part is that he rarely wants to do anything with me on the weekends, saying he’s tired or worried about money.
The biggest problem is honesty and respect. He’ll say he “won’t be long” but spends 3–5 hours at the card shop. He usually takes my car (his doesn’t have AC), so I’ll ask when he’ll be home. Twice now, he’s tricked me into going with him under false pretenses. One time, he asked me to dinner, then revealed we were going to the card shop after. Another time, he waited until I was in the car before saying his real plan. I told him it feels like entrapment, but he insists I’m “mean” for being upset.
Last night, after dinner, he suddenly announced that a friend was waiting for us at the shop. I explained that I didn’t like being surprised like that, especially on a Thursday when I was tired, but he said I was just trying to make him feel bad. At the shop, when I commented that it didn’t seem like real socializing (since it’s all cards and trading), he threw back that I don’t have much of a social life myself. That hurt.
This pattern isn’t new. Years ago, I wanted goats. We ended up with six, which destroyed our yard and annoyed the neighbors. When I later asked to sell them, he kept saying, “But you wanted them.” When I finally said, “If not for me, do it for the neighbors,” he accused me of emotional manipulation.
I feel stuck. If I say I miss him when he’s gone, I’m naggy. If I don’t want to sit at a card shop, I’m mean. If I’m quiet, I’m mean. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
This weekend, his card-game friend is having a birthday party. They have a cat, and I’m allergic. Instead of sitting in limbo for hours, I’ve decided to make alternative plans with my own friend. But I already know he’ll accuse me of being “mean” for not going.
tl;dr: My husband of 3 years often tricks me into going to his card shop, then calls me mean when I object. I feel like I can’t express myself without being painted as the bad guy. How do I set boundaries without every reaction being labeled as “nagging” or “mean”?
Comments
You set clear boundaries and stop allowing the one offs to happen. Make it clear that for every hour he dedicates to his cards, you want at least equal time with you, especially if you go with him.
Marriage is give and take. If you agree to go to dinner and he springs something on you after, “no” is a complete sentence. If he wants to go that badly, he can take you home after.
You’re not the bad guy because he made plans without considering you.
This tends to happen when you get married young with a middle school boyfriend who has never had to mature. You will both have a long road ahead with many hard conversations. I suggest reading some relationship books and having meaningful direct and non confrontational discussions to see if you can correct things
Oh fuck that. I would have left him at the shop and driven home. I wouldn’t let him have your keys anymore either.
He is using the fact that you back off when being called “mean” against you. Don’t back off, don’t be afraid of being mean BACK to him, because he started it.
“You’re being mean” “Nah dude, I’m responding to someone who is being mean to me.”
Why are you with this guy?
What happened with the goats?
I think it’s good for married ppl to develop individual interests.
You choosing to go with your friend while your husband goes with his is fine. Maybe just text him to allow him to filter his feelings a bit before responding.
Try not to mind read. Instead of “I know you’re going to say I’m being mean, but…” maybe something like “I want to go out with (friends name) this weekend instead of the party, but I hope you enjoy your time with (friend)!”
So, I guess he thinks that since he drags you with him that it counts as spending time with you. He knows you’re not into it, but thinks he’s found a loophole where you won’t “bother him” to spend time with you. He sounds like a selfish ass
So he’s lying to you and “trapping” you by taking you places that you don’t want to go, that he KNOWS you don’t want to go to, so that he can spend money on his hobby, and then refuse to do activities with you because he’s “worried about money”? And when you rightfully point out that his behavior is shitty, he calls you “mean” and says you’re “just trying to make him feel bad”?
He’s still acting like a teenager. A particularly immature teenager.
Do you have access to therapy? You need to have space to consider whether this marriage is working for you. Because it sure sounds like it isn’t.
Unfortunately, I’ve learned the hard way that as women we just have to de-center men in our lives to keep ourselves happy. I know it’s the easiest, most comfortable thing to just be able to hang out with your partner at the end of the day/week—especially when you’re tired or wanting connection with said partner…
Try for a week or two to make time for your friends, hobbies, solo adventures, etc. and see how you feel about things then. See what kind of new insights this might give you moving forward.
I had to do this and I was really sad about it at first but sooo glad I pushed myself.
Even though it’s annoying and weird, at least he is kind of trying to include you in his hobby in a way. My partner also plays magic and it’s been very unfun for me to loose out on so much time with him.
At the end of the day I do try to appreciate that deep down he’s just a boy looking at collectible art cards and he isn’t out actually gambling money away.
His behavior of tricking you, lying by omission, and misrepresenting his intentions are all HUGE problems, no doubt. Like, it’s one thing to invite your partner into your hobby but you also have to respect their answer when they decline. He sounds immature, and not because of his hobbies but because of his communication and thought/reasoning patterns.
I would question though… what is positive about this relationship? What brings you together? Do you still really really like each other? Is your partner otherwise great? Does he have respect for you, share similar values, honor your time and energy, show emotional availability, do his half of domestic labor, etc? Like is he already a good person?
And/or, related:
Has your partner shown that even if he isn’t good at something, he can listen, reflect, take your feelings into consideration, grow, and adjust his behavior in other areas of the relationship? Has he shown capacity or willingness, even if there is a communication/action skill deficit? Is there desire for growth?
Only you can determine what work you’re willing to do, what you’re willing to tolerate, and how long you can/should stay while your partner does his work. But these are things I would think about critically to consider if you’re even well matched or if you’ve outgrown him and he has no desire to catch up.
Similarly I would consider seeing a therapist on your own to talk through setting good boundaries and clarity in communication before, say, talking about ultimatums.
He is cheating on you. Time to move on.