I (M30) have been with my girlfriend (F30) for 12 years and have lived together for the past 2 years, but I feel trapped because I can’t leave her unsupported. She comes from a shitty family where the parents can’t be in the same room or fights will happen, and has the worst financial education ever. Pair that with me being the sole bread winner for most of that time and I’m impressed that I managed to acquire anything because this bitch is a money dementor.
We’ve had honest conversations about money, but she doesn’t learn!!! Her impulsive behaviour (diagnosed with ADHD) wins over, and I often hear phrases like “I know we’re already in the red, but let’s go to have an expensive night out” or “My credit card is maxed out, but I’ll buy it anyway.” I learned to be more firm these past months, and she has improved slightly. Howeeeever, I don’t see we having a future because she’s a lazy bitch that sleeps over 12h a day, doesn’t commit to her responsibilities, doesn’t follow the therapist’s suggestions to improve, expects everyone to be respectful of her shortcomings but is quick to judge others on the same shortcomings, … and then feels frustrated that she doesn’t achieve the things she wants.
I don’t know how I still love her. I guess it’s the shared past and maybe trauma bonding, but I still can’t leave her, and I can’t accept that she would return to their parents’ house to suffer once more. I’m writing this while gritting my teeth and thinking how freeing it would be if she just died (I even picture strangling her myself, but I won’t commit a crime). I’ve built so much resentment that whenever an issue recurs, I go full berserk internally while just showing disappointment on the outside. I was recently diagnosed with autism, and others told me these rage bursts are part of it, but I don’t want to keep feeling like this!!! I get along with her well, but that’s maybe 30% of the time; the other 70% is me getting constantly disappointed and making plans on how to leave her.
We broke up once last year because she pushed me to propose, but I shared that it wouldn’t make a difference if she didn’t want a wedding. We already have a signed contract with the same weight as a marriage in Brazil, so there’s zero reason to spend money on another contract. And she is doing it again, asking if I will ever feel like marrying her. I asked multiple times whether she feels I’m not committed to her, but she tells me it isn’t that, so I don’t know what else it could be. The last time I shared that I’ll only marry her once she gets a job and we can commit to a shared dream, but I don’t see this happening this year either, given how uncommitted she is to improving.
I don’t know if I can take this longer. I’m tired of working on myself just to have another drag me down with phrases such as: “You’ll get pretty and leave me” when starting to work out; “You’ll know another woman if this in-office job offer comes around” when searching for a job that would help me feel less lonely … Honestly, all I wanted is to get a good paycheck, leave all my belongings behind with her so she has a good starting point, and start all over in another town.
TL;DR: Struggling to live together with a girlfriend with severe ADHD, and wanting to start all over so I don’t feel like killing her every other day. But I cannot do so because I still love her and don’t want her to suffer beyond the breakup.
Comments
You admit to thinking about strangling her and your post is absolutely dripping with rage and contempt
It sounds like the safest and healthiest option is for you to not be together
You’re allowed to feel how you feel. Pack up her things and tell her she has to move to her parents’ house. You guys are definitely not compatible. You don’t sound like you love her even though you say you do. I think it’s your mind thinking you love her because of the time invested. Please, do both of yourselves a favor and end it. Don’t drag her along anymore even though you feel she has nothing. That is not your responsibility, she is a grown woman. You’re not even married to hold yourself responsible for her. Marriage is different. Also, do yourself a favor by setting yourself free. Resentment will only grow if you continue in this relationship. Good luck.
Just leave. I wish people would stop being stuck in relationships with people they hate. Your post is full of hate towards her. Why are you still together? Why are you hurting yourself like this? It’s not worth it. And everyone will end up unhappy for longer and for no reason because you just won’t stop. Leave her. Find the one for you. Because it’s not her.
There’s a saying, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm”
That’s all you’re doing right now. You’ve made suggestions, probably demands too. If she hasn’t made changes, she won’t.
You basically said everything you needed to.
Leave.
You’re already checked out.
She’s a grown ass person and can get her shit together. She does not need to be babysat. She has and is taking advantage of this situation & your relationship.
Does she actually contribute to anything? Besides adding more debt.
You are straight out enabling her, at this point.
She’s not going to leave unless you actually make her. You listed dozens of things about how you dislike her, hate her, resent her, etc.
Be cautious if you’re having sex. Since she’s already pushing engagement and the sort, be mindful of the type of birth control being used. Don’t just rely on a condom or that she’s taking her birth control. Don’t get baby trapped.
You’re done. It’s evident and clear. & due to your self-reported feelings it would be best if you two did not exist in one room. Let alone exist under the same roof.
Just accept it and move on. You two aren’t growing together, she’s benefiting from your growth.
Oh, by the way… she’s checked out, too!
As long as you choose to adult for her she will let you. Can you blame her though? If someone wanted to do all the adult things for me (paying my bills) and expecting nothing but listening to them whine about it sometimes. Sign me up! RUN! it will be a never ending cycle and you get 0 benefits from this kind of relationship.
It is called depression. Your girlfriend is depressed.
Dude, you need to leave already. You’re literally admitting to thinking about killing her, it doesn’t really matter that you follow it up with “I wouldn’t commit a crime”.
Leave, and take yourself to therapy to work through all that anger and resentment.
I think you need out before someone is really hurt.
It’s your choice.
You need to walk away. As someone that experienced similar experiences, it never gets any better.
Have a relationship with the person standing in front of you NOT the idea that you have of them in your head.
Time for her to sink or swim. I have severe adhd, no one is going to put my pants on for me or propel my own boots to move forward but you know how I learned that? The hard way unfortunately. People with hard heads only learn when they hit bottom.
Bro, don’t become a statistic.
Don’t blame the ADHD. If you can’t handle her, leave and leave room for someone who can
“Stockholm Syndrome”! – You are miserable with her. She isn’t a partner, but like a kid you have to watch 24/7h. Sounds exhausting. … I am getting the impression the only reason you are with her at this point: You have gotten used to her, and feel like you have thrown away 12 years of your life if you’d break up now. Anyhow, I believe you’d be better off without her! You are drowning financially and girl keeps pinching holes into your life-boat!
Leave her bruh.
I could never be with someone like that. It’s like looking after a child who doesn’t know the importance of money.
Just be happy you don’t have a house or kids with her or things could be worse.
Watch this video to the end. Not in the video sometimes love is not enough
She might be depressed but then she needs to seek help for it
Then you need to make deadlines
She needs to have a full time job in a month (30hours or more)
She needs to start paying part of the rent by June first
She needs to take a financial basics class with you.
Give her goals and expectations and give a deadline for when you will evict her if she does not follow through
You need to check your credit and lock it down and make sure she hasn’t saddled you with debt https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/free-credit-reports
Freeze your credit reports https://consumer.ftc.gov/consumer-alerts/2025/01/freezing-maybe-freeze-your-credit-too
Hold her feet to the fire or let her go
You are not trapped.
Read back what you wrote, walk away for a bit then read it back slowly to yourself.
What would you say to a close friend who came to you with this?
This is kind of a jarring and rage filled TruthOffMuChest so I know you aren’t necessarily looking for advice but, I’d argue that you know what you need to do, take your own advice, you can’t help her, not right now at least.
For everyone’s benefit involved walk away.
Calling someone a “lazy bitch” and a “money dementor,” talking about strangling her, fantasizing about her dying, constantly making plans to leave, and saying that you “feel like killing her” does not equal love.
You don’t love her, you are just trying to avoid being the bad guy in the situation and don’t want to deal with the discomfort of a breakup.
Dude you hate this person and sound potentially violent. Leave her for HER own good, as well as yours. Then get therapy. Your frustration has turned into something unhealthy.
Just being honest with you but if she’s been like this for 12 years… it wont be any different in the future. And you definitely don’t seem to love her anymore. Just about everyone in the comments agrees that you’ve built up a lot of resent and contempt for your gf and the harmful ideation is a dead giveaway that you need to distance yourself before you do something stupid by hurting her and get yourself in trouble with the law. I think it’s best you be realistic and do what’s best for you. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy of “we’ve been together for 12 years” keep you in something detrimental to you. And don’t gas light yourself in to thinking you need to be her financial baby sitter either. She’s a grow woman, she’ll sink or swim and that’s not on you.
Humans need to stop giving their AWFUL partners all the benefits of all the doubts over and over and over when they’ve shown you how crappy they are…….
I mean starting with the word ‘motherfucker’ to describe her…..really???!! Sounds like you hate her.
Do HER the favour and leave.
I went through a less extreme situation just like this and I finally threw in the towel in January. Being depressed and what not is one thing, but the fact she’s not even doing the work to try to heal is inexcusable. My ex tried working several jobs and would do good the first 3-4 months but her PTSD would always catch up to her and she would get burnt out. I would beg her to let me help her file for disability and I even offered to pay for a new therapist (her current one just makes her feel judged and suicidal) but she wouldn’t listen. After years of this and her harboring resentment over arguments I thought we worked out, I decided enough was enough. I had to free myself for my own sanity. In the end, people like this have to want to save themselves and ask for help. Just leave.
you’re literally the embodiment of #ihatemygf final boss, leave her immediately
Tell us how you really feel
You either willingly become home to a parasite, or you take the medicine and move on.
You make so many excuses for her. She’s had a long time to improve. She doesn’t want to, not really, she’s fine riding you to an early grave.
You don’t love her. Neither of you love each other. You are just used to each other.
This isn’t good for either of you, she’s developmentally stilted whilst sitting on your shoulders, and you’re constantly drowning under her weight, struggling to keep your nose above water. You are a ball of rage, and she is frozen in time.
You both need to move on.
You need to break up with her and go to therapy. The way you talk about her isn’t safe or acceptable. Get away from her before you hurt her
Get away from her, she deserves better.
I have seen this with some couples I know. You are so much better off walking away. It won’t be easy, but you will be happier in the long run.
You will be judged for this post but I get it. I lived with a guy with mental health issues before I got married and I felt like I was going to go insane myself or strangle the guy!!!!
Unless people have lived with crazy people they have no idea what’s it’s like.
Please go to therapy and get away from her. She’s not your responsibility in the end. You are a good person.
I understand the anger, and feeling powerless over her not wanting to better herself.
But honestly, the way you’re talking about her is super scary. You think you really love her while calling her a lazy bitch?
You’re entitled to your feelings and emotions, but no one should ever say those words while talking about the person they “love”.
That’s not love, just anger, resentment, maybe fear of being alone.
Like other have said, do her and yourself a favor and break it off.
I don’t see a future where you’ll both be happy.
Leave her for both your sanity.
You hate her, what’s the point of this?
You litterally wish she would just die dude. This isn’t normal or ok!!! You don’t want her at her parents house because their bad but like you don’t care so much that you fantasize about strangling her ? I think you just don’t want anyone else to have her but you don’t want her ? Idk but this isn’t safe .. period .. for either of you!!
You don’t love her if you’re a hair’s breadth away from strangling her. Just get away from her before you do something that lands you in prison and your life gets REALLY bad after that.
Bro just leave her! You dont owe her shit. Just doing before anyone gets hurt
You need to end this relationship NOW.
The fact that you feel this way says volumes in that you should definitely not marry her. In fact, you should break things off completely to allow her to find someone who is a better match for her and for you to find someone who is better for you.
Sooooo… I hear you.
Once upon a time, I got my depressed, miserable, “I’ll kill myself if you leave” boyfriend of the time a really, really good job with family friends he knew….. then broke up with him.
You wanna leave but don’t want the guilt of their total collapse if you just bail, can’t seem to get her a job or motivated, you HAVE to get outside help.
So here’s what I suggest you do.
Find her a case manager. Community support centers, they have them. Call around, explain she has no life skills and it’s frightening.
Explain to HER it’s out of concern “what would you do if I got into a car accident and couldn’t do all these things for you 🥺” …. And honestly if she goes off the rails over that, well, police and a restraining order and not your problem anymore.
Anyhoo, you gotta get some outside help going.
Every state in US has 211. Call it if Google is turning up empty. Say she needs a case manage to get her life on track.
They can help with filling out state benefits paperwork, they can help with resources to find jobs.
If she isn’t listening to her therapist, then case managers are the next step cause they show up at your house to talk and they are a bit more “daily life skills” focused.
It could go two ways, maybe she finds the outside support exactly what she needs and you see major changes take place and your frustration levels drop.
Or maybe she throws a full on tantrum and refuses to cooperate.
So either she improves, your frustration drops, and it strengthens the relationship OR you can walk away guilt free knowing you did everything reasonably possible to get her in a better spot in life.
Good luck
Sir, you need to leave IMMEDIATELY. Stop making excuses how trapped you are when you aren’t. You clearly do not love her when you’re this angry. She sounds unbearable to be around. You aren’t her babysitter. Pack up and GO. No excuses.
Cut her off
Hold on, You said you can’t accept and even picture that she would return to her parents home and suffer there. But you can picture yourself harming her and taking her life? What makes you believe the guilt of leaving her behind would be worse than feeling free for a temporary moment by ending her life? The guilt of killing her would be so much worse! You’re not thinking straight or even hearing yourself.
Honey no. I’ve been there. There’s a difference having adhd and taking advantage of someone.
I have ADHD. I had an ex for 10 years who could never stick a job and took forever to get one. I was the constant bread winner and safety net. The resentment builds up and it’s ugly enough you start loathing yourself for it. A part of me hoped he would die cause it would be easier than breaking up with him. It didn’t help that he broke shit when mad.
I felt responsible for him and wondered what he would do if I left him cause he never seemed to be ‘lucky’. My breaking point was after we made the same thing in the same job he complained about paying his fair share and was an asshole about it.
The moment I had someone help me break it off with him. He went back to his mother and he got a job in record time.
Maybe it’s because she feels comfortable with you but she won’t learn cause she doesn’t want to. You are the constant safety net that she is taking advantage of. You have to light a fire under her butt and send her back to her parents or straight up leave. Look up tolerable state of permanent unhappiness.
I don’t see why you’re taking accountability for her life choices. I understand you love her deeply after all these years but sometimes we have to choose ourselves over people we care about. She’s 30 and irresponsible af, and there’s nothing you can do to change this. Take a breath, make a plan and explain to her that this is not sustainable for non of you. Please leave asap and best of luck OP
Do you wonder why your relationship is crappy? You’re with a nut job! What did you expect would happen? Move on to someone whose screws aren’t already loose. Never stay with the crazies…
It’s not love that you choose to stay. She strokes your ego. You paint yourself as a hero who is her only lifeline, regardless of all the disdain you have for her. You stay because she scratches that itch that you can’t live without.
You are choosing your cage, and you are contempt.
Leave, drop her off at her parents. They’re the ones who fucked up by keeping her stupid
Leave just leave… for your sanity and to avoid yourself from getting locked up…she’s 30 a adult shell figure life out
Just walk away
You’re honestly not okay, please consider your options for breaking up because you’re obviously miserable and you may end up becoming abusive yourself. Sounds like you’re already being financially abused with the excuse of ADHD. Your gf might need medication and if she’s not responsible enough to get help then you can’t help her either, and the relationship is not sustainable.
Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy.
Don’t feel wholly responsible for her life, she’s an adult -even if she doesn’t behave like it. Y’all can talk about breakup plans so neither is left in the dust.
You’re not trapped.
Best of luck.
Dude you gotta just gotta get out. You cannot subject yourself to a lifetime of that. Nor should she have to be with someone who is not on the same page as her. Her behavior is self destructive and unless you want to go down with the ship, it’s time to jump. If you’re cool with calling your S/O a “lazy bitch” it makes it hard for me to understand why you’re even bothering at this point. You say you still love her but those are not the words of a man who loves his S/O. I get the frustration, I really do, I’ve been in situations that felt similar. It might be safer and healthier for everyone if you just find a way to make a clean exit. Her life choices will shape her experience going forward and that might be ugly without the guide rails you seem to be keeping in place (or doing your best to), but once you’re out, it’s no longer your circus.
Break up and go no contact
You need to leave before you end up in prison. You point out her many faults but don’t acknowledge your own codependency and why you can’t leave. This is toxic and it needs to end.
“…that bitch…I don’t know how I still love her…” Do you love her? Is the love in the room with us right now? If this is how you speak of your partner, may this type of love never find me
Ghost her. It’s best for both of you!
Ai will ai
You only have one life. Why live it this way?
Dude, you are a nutter, you sound dangerous.
Seek help
Ehm… I couldn’t even read your entire post. The descriptions you give are just vile and if I found out my partner was thinking about me the way you’re clearly doing about her, I’d run for the hills. Your post is scary, and you need help, because this is not healthy for anyone to carry around or be in the vicinity of. You sound dangerous, and I honestly think I’d be afraid for my life if I was your partner and read this.
One thing is for sure – you need to leave her, whether she’ll be financially destitute or not, and you need to get help to sort out your mental health. Your post is so angry, I’m genuinely afraid for both of you, that one of you will get hurt far worse than a breakup, and that you might do something, to her or yourself, that you’ll honestly regret.
Now THAT’S a confession. You hate her. Leave her, bro.
By protecting her from the consequences of her actions, you’re enabling her, and she will never learn.
Of you can’t ‘cold turkey’ end it here and now, have a ‘line in the sand’ last warning conversation, where you lay out the conditions, for you to stay in this relationship.
The credit cards get cut in half and thrown out, and no new ones opened up. She opens up a new one, that automatically means the relationship is over, and she chose credit over you.
She gets a job. Whether it’s a corporate job, or working at a fast food place or a coffee shop. She will work at least half time, and contribute proportionally to income.
If you make 5000 and she makes 500, she puts in 300, where you put in 3000, but she MUST contribute.
The other 200 goes to paying off those credit cards. She doesn’t have ‘spending money’ or ‘fun money’ now, because you are the sole provider. So working to contribute and pay off debt is not too much.
If that helps with your resentment, and you feel better about your relationship, great! If not, you leave, or make her leave, but she’ll be in a better place.
That said…. if you feel you can’t get over the resentment, or this talk is an uphill battle… leave, or make her leave… for her safety, and yours.
None of us want to see you guys end up in statistics and the news. And you really don’t want to spend the rest of your life in jail, not making anything of your life, over her lack of handling her ADHD and all that comes with it.
You’re both adults. You don’t owe her anything, other than basic respect as a human being.
Giving her a reasonable period to find a job, and move out is showing basic respect. It’s up to her, to then use that reasonable time wisely, and actually find that job and the place to stay. You do not have to wait it out, untill she finds them.
You aren’t doing either of you any favors by staying with her. This isn’t love. You have major contempt for her. Just end the relationship.
You think about killing her. Do you realize that is not normal?
For her safety, you need to boot her. It doesn’t matter where she goes as long as she’s gone.
UpdateMe
Yeah you sound violently angry, leave before you commit a crime