I (20M) have been struggling with depression and loneliness, and am seeing a therapist. About a year ago, I developed a small crush on a girl at my university. We never talked, but I often saw her on campus and on the way home, and just seeing her made me feel less lonely and depressed. I felt so happy every time I saw her.
Recently, after speaking about my crush for that girl, my therapist suggested I write her a letter just thanking her for unknowingly making my days brighter and asking if she wanted to be study buddies. I made sure the letter was respectful, not romantic, and even had my therapist review it.
Today, I finally gathered the courage to approach her. I politely asked if she could take the letter, but she refused and then literally ran away from me. I felt so embarrassed in front of everyone. I never wanted to scare her or make her uncomfortable. I just wanted to express gratitude and maybe make a friend.
Now I feel horrible, like I did something terrible. Did I cross a line by trying to give her a letter? And I’m even scared of being bullied at university now, I’m so lost. I regret doing that; it was stupid on my part.
Comments
That’s quite rough. It sounds like she was just nice to you to get you to leave her alone or something.
Fake, why would a therapist tell you to write a letter to a stranger to thank them for… existing?
Going up to a random person you’ve never spoken to and giving them a letter is socially risky. While the gesture had good intent, it is HIGHLY irregular to be approached in this way. It’s “normal” to make friends through casual, low pressure small talk. It is massively usual to get approached with a letter. That’s heavy. She could have been confused, flustered, annoyed or any mixture of these things. You were behaving outside social norms and spooked her. That’s how the cookie crumbles.
You are probably aware that this woman is just living her life in your general vicinity. She doesn’t exist for your enjoyment or the brightening of your life therefore does not owe you her time and consideration. It does seem your therapist set you up for a social situation you weren’t properly prepared for, which I don’t love. That said, resilience to rejection is something I consider an “advanced” social skill so there’s something to be gained by accepting the rejection without internalizing self agonizing doubt and self pity.
You did nothing wrong. This is a problem with her behavior. It’s okay to feel bad when people treat you bad. Perhaps it will help to think of this as practice for finding someone right for you. Learning to get over rejection and exclusion is an important social skill to develop.
Edit: I don’t really care if the public humiliation advocates think her behavior was fine. Her emotional state isn’t somehow more precious than OP’s. She could have handled it in so many ways without the public humiliation but I guess you guys don’t really give a shit about his mental state.
I am very surprised that your therapist encouraged this. They know darn well how creepy this comes across to young women. Heck women of any age, but it’s particularly unsettling and frightening to young women, simply due to the amount of attention they get. That attention is often negative, such as harassment and stalking.
Also you say you just wanted to make a friend, but repeatedly call her a crush. Just be for real regarding your intentions, to begin with. You did not want to be her ‘friend’. You want this woman, you want to date her and such. There is nothing wrong with this! At all. It’s natural. What’s wrong is trying to paint your intentions as ‘friendly’ or ‘friendship’.
I think the issue is that you tried to go straight to giving her a letter without having talked to her at all previously.
Clearly your intent was benign, and there was probably nothing wrong with the letter contents, but for girls the idea of receiving a confession letter from a stranger that was watching them is the kind of thing we worry about as being a potentially dangerous stalker.
She likely ran away because she didn’t know if you might react violently to a rejection; there have been many cases of men being told no and then attacking the women.
She doesn’t know you, and therefore can’t feel safe in giving a yes or a no.
If she says no then maybe this stranger assaults her.
And if she says yes then she gets to know the stranger more, but if the stranger does then turn out to be the kind of person that would have responded badly to a no, and she wants to get away or break up, then the stranger may just assault her then.
And, by that point, the stranger will likely know more about her too from their interactions- possibly where she lives, details about her schedule and where she goes, all things that will then make it harder to hide from the stranger later on if he continues to harass her.
dude ur therapist is weird. i would 1) be TERRIFIED if someone just handed me a random letter and 2) if said letter said or implied i made a random person happier and i “brightened up their day” whenever they saw me. i get you have social anxiety but a letter is so much worse than just going up to her no?
If this is real then I’m sorry but your therapist is somewhere between an idiot and an asshole. Possibly both.
Feeling attracted to someone is normal, but you shouldn’t be making friends with your crush under false pretenses of just wanting to be friends when you know you want more from the outset. And you shouldn’t be using someone else to pull you out of depression. That puts a tremendous amount of weight on them to make them solely responsible for keeping your depression stay. It’s totally unsustainable.
You never actually spoke to her before…? You don’t see how creepy that sounds? That while she was just living her normal life, someone was observing her enough to gain something from it. Sure it’s not ill intentioned but still super creepy.
Your therapist set you up. Are they a man?
That’s super creepy. Therapist is sending up major red flags for encouraging this. Is your therapist a man or woman?
There have recently been new human trafficking tactics that include some kind of substance on a piece of paper or something that if inhaled, would drug the person holding it. I’m not sure if that’s what she was scared of, but if it were me I would’ve felt nervous as well. Just being a young girl approached by a random guy in public like that can be scary sometimes! 😅 She mightve also not had good experiences with something similar in the past so she got scared. Even if you did get the note to her, I feel like it may have come off as stalkerish.. especially as youve essentially formed a parasocial relationship with her for the past year
Now you know for the future how to not approach a woman in public, but at least you know yourself if you had positive intentions.
Maybe she was have been intimidated because she was approached by a stranger and she reacted out of fear, like it wasn’t personal to you specifically at all. What words were exchanged before you tried handing her the letter?
I’m sorry that happened. Honestly if I was the girl in that situation I wouldn’t know what to think. No worries about it though, it was just a misunderstanding. Stuff like that happens. I’m concerned that your therapist told you to do this instead of just approaching her normally I’m not sure why they would say to write a letter.
Not ideal, but she didnt have to do that, thats her problem not yours. Bullet dodged
I cannot fathom why your therapist would have recommended this. I’m of an age with your therapist, but if a random guy I’d never spoken to had handed me a letter like that when I was in my early twenties I would have been so much crueler than just running away. Because I would have been scared. I would have wanted to make you hate me, in order for you to leave me alone. That girl will now always be scared of you. I don’t blame you for this by the way, you’re in therapy for a reason and in general you should be able to trust your therapist’s advice, but my god, there was just no way that this would have gone well for you.
It sounds like you’ve had very good intentions and she just freaked out a little. Just understand she didn’t know what it meant and it scared her.
Well, I guess she won’t brighten your day anymore. You should maybe question every piece of advice that therapist has given you. It shows a complete ignorance of social interactions.
This is creepy. I wouldn’t accept the letter either. Learn to engage with humans.
Yikes man. You had good intentions but you do need to think about how that looks from her perspective. A guy she has never interacted with comes up to her and hands her a letter? Thats weird dude
Maybe consider having actual conversations next? You are 20, learn how to engage with human beings first. I don’t know what happened in your life or what kind of traumas you have that you can’t even have small talks with people. Change your therapist. I legit know 22 year olds who have kids man, you should start maturing, develop your emotional intelligence and put yourself in other people shoe’s. This will help you very much if you want to talk with women
I think you might want to find a new therapist. This one isn’t treating your social anxiety very well. Telling you to do something so wildly weird is not appropriate.
Oh bless your heart! I feel for you.
I had a crush on a stranger and ended up giving them a little letter because I was too anxious to speak to them. I had maybe said three sentences to them previously. Fortunately they accepted, even thanked me for it, and ended up texting me.. months later lol. They said it took that long to come up with something funny to say. I remember wanting to stay in the house and hide away forever after receiving no response at first.
But it’s okay. You didn’t do anything terrible, you were just trying to form a human connection. It’s normal and pretty challenging to do these days. Eventually you won’t see any of those people again anyway. Maybe she ran away because she thought you were giving her a religious pamphlet or something. She could also have social anxiety too, who knows.
And, I do think you need another therapist that’s more in touch with current social norms.
I used to have the same mindset as you, have done stuff like this, and genuinely had no idea that something like this could come off badly because I was so lonely my view of other people was really warped. until one day I was on the other end of it! I was like geez, was this guy obsessively watching me the whole time? it freaked me out even though the guy was being nice (and didn’t bother me after that). Now I think about the people I probably freaked out and cringe.
Maybe your therapist didn’t intend for you to share that letter, just to journal about it.
This was a very awkward moment but it’s not the end of the world.. you live and you learn. The other commenters already gave great perspective on her point of view but this story kind of reminds me of myself not so long ago 😅
you may need to get a new therapist….. i’m sure her reaction wasn’t a reflection on you specifically, but if someone i’d never spoken to came up to me and handed me a letter my mind is immediately going straight to anthrax 😭
A letter in 2025?? Your therapist set you up for failure, and to make you look strange
Your therapist gave you bad advice. Send them the link to this post, therapists aren’t granted all knowing powers, they’re human as well. They need to see this for themselves.
Also, the crush may come off as bright/however you described her but she may have her own anxieties or trauma that you may have accidentally set off.
Accidents happen. Back off from her. If you happen to make eye contact at some point, mouth or actually say sorry and then look away/do something else. Give her more time before trying again, differently. However, try to read the room, if she’s still giving off major do not disturb vibes, don’t try again
I feel like your therapist led you astray, it’s a sweet thought from your stand point. But from hers, and unfortunately a lot of women, it can be scary because of how other men can be. I’m so sorry this happened to you. In the future it might be a good idea just to start with hello and a name and let it breathe.
Did the therapist actually tell you to give the letter to the girl? Or was it meant to be “write a letter to this girl, just for your own self/therapeutic value?” O_o
(If it’s the former I’d be getting a new therapist!)
You did nothing wrong. I’d consider getting a new therapist though..the fact that she hyped you up for this and fully endorsed it is insanity to me. They know you have social anxiety and this was their solution?? It’s easier said than done but please don’t let this bother you..you were just following the advice from a “professional.”
Dude!! Seriously, the best thing for you might be to join an already established study group, club or society!! You’ll be around a bunch of people and feel less pressure. Get to know multiple people with similar or interesting enough interests and hobbies, and individually get to know them all at your own pace rather than just getting to know one person since that can sometimes be a little intense if that person isn’t typically someone to form duo friendships so soon :)) hope this helps!
That sucks. The comments already covered why it probably off put the girl so I just wanted to add some advice. For future reference, just talk to them. It doesn’t have to be anything bold but a quick hello and a comment of some kind. Maybe their outfit looked good, maybe you wanted to know if they had notes for a class you missed. It doesn’t really matter, just be short and sweet. These little interactions at least make people aware of you. Be mindful that people also suck at making friends. I say this as someone who had to step out of my own shell to make friends with people who were also soft spoken, introverted and anxious.
OP, someone handed me a poem many years ago when I was in college. I was an art major, and it was an art guy that I had seen around. I don’t remember what the poem said (something about fire and my hair), but I do remember feeling very uncertain about the situation, mainly because I didn’t know him at all. I accepted the poem, but after reading it, I didn’t respond and walked away.
I understand your intent was different (a nice, friendly letter vs. a somewhat romantic poem), but I think the result/feelings were probably the same. When I think back on that moment, I wasn’t nervous or uncertain about him personally, since I didn’t know him, it was about the situation. I regret that I didn’t respond to him at all, since it probably took a lot for him to do that, but I was just a college kid and didn’t know how to handle it.
Anyways, try not to take it personally. Remember, she doesn’t know you at all. Maybe next time, try to get to know the girl a little bit before handing them a letter 🙂
Hey buddy u win some u lose some. While giving the letter was a great idea u did it too early. You should have gotten to know the person first before deciding if its wise to give the letter. When an utter stranger hands u a letter like that u will be a bit scared. University is large. Forget about it and move on
I’m sorry you went through this. And I’m sorry your therapist even suggested, it’s a terrible approach. Even though you meant well and it was a sweet gesture per se, it probably came out as strange and intimidating to her
Do you only have social anxiety or do you also have autism?
And you need a new therapist. That was a horrible way to go about it. You have to start making friends with the people in your class too. You don’t need to have outright deep conversations with people. You need to start small. Start with saying “hi” or “whats up” when you enter class. When you feel comfortable saying this every day, then join group projects. When you’re comfortable being around the group, ask “hey can i join you guys for lunch?”
Do this with others who are not your crush. It’s kinda ulterior motive-y to say you just want to be friends with your crush when the way you look at her is totally different than how you would look at another dude.
Try looking for cognitive behavioural therapy in your area. Some of them do it in groups where you can practice speaking with others and not get judged because everyone is learning together
When you approach someone that you’re not personally closed with. Do not shotgun then with your motives there should be a scaling. Of course not all people can handle such situations.