[Trigger warning] Conflicted about reporting—need perspective

I could REALLY use some advice.

Context: We were married for 18 years.

I don’t want to go into graphic detail, but I feel I need to be honest to get real perspective.

A year and a half ago, my ex and I were both extremely drunk after attending a neighbor friend’s party. I walked home before him and passed out in bed. I woke up to him forcing himself in my mouth and performing oral on me. I sobered up really fast and tried to push him off, but he wouldn’t stop. He kept asking me questions like whether I wanted to see him with another woman. He then pulled me upright to reposition me for sex. That’s when I realized my special needs 10-year-old was in the bed with me. Even then, he didn’t stop immediately, trying to bend me over the bed, over our son. He told me, “It didn’t matter—he won’t wake up,” and I had to physically push him off twice. When he finally stopped, he stormed out shouting all kinds of awful things at me—“Wh,” “B,” “S**.”

After that, I just shut down. I had already been emotionally done for years but was staying for the kids until they graduated. This was the breaking point that made it impossible to keep going.

Looking back, I can see this wasn’t the first time. For years, he initiated sex while I was asleep, pressured me, and if I said no, he would get angry and badger and guilt me until I gave in just to keep the peace. Or I would wake up to him already doing it.

Over the years, he also liked to say things like:
• “You can’t rape the willing.”
• “Yes means yes, and no means try harder.”

Several years ago, I once talked to his stepmom because I thought it was my problem that I wasn’t interested. She told me it would be easier to “give it to him or he’ll get it somewhere else,” and that I should “just roll over and let him have it—it’s easier.”

It took me a long time to see that this was repeated coercion and non-consensual behavior—this was rape.

About three weeks ago, he actually said to me, “I’m sorry I raped you,” referring to the night that broke everything. But it took him almost a full year to even admit he might have been in the wrong. And even when he said it, it didn’t feel like real accountability—it felt more like something he said because he knew he had crossed a line he couldn’t deny anymore.

We’ve been divorced for almost a year now, but the past year and a half has been full of him begging for another chance. And yes, he had MANY. But his argument is that he never had a chance that he knew was a chance. It’s also been filled with sexual harassment and constant offers to “help me get release.”

Recently, someone submitted a Crime Stoppers tip describing that night—not in full detail, but enough for investigators to contact me, pretending to be me. I didn’t submit it, and I believe it was done maliciously to try to force my hand into taking action. I had only ever shared that I regretted not reporting with a very small number of people. When investigators followed up, I confirmed that the incident happened. They’ve now asked me to come in to do a recorded interview.

As for him, I do know him, and I believe the “guilt” he feels over this incident is genuine in his mind. He has said he will “own up to it,” and honestly, I don’t think he will lie if confronted. But he still doesn’t see everything he did over the last 15 years—initiating while I was asleep, pressuring, wearing me down—as coercion or rape. To him, we were married, and it was just an expectation.

Additionally, about a month or two after that night, while we were still living together and divorcing, he asked me to write down how I felt about what happened because he couldn’t remember it all. I hand-wrote a letter explaining everything. Later, when I was talking to a support line, they asked if I still had it. I didn’t, so I asked him for it, and he scanned it and sent it to me. So I have evidence that he received and acknowledged the letter.

I’m also really stuck because I feel like people are going to judge me for even considering reporting now. Some people have said things like, “You already left him—why does it matter?” And part of me feels guilty, like maybe they’re right and I should just move on.

I’m afraid my mom is going to hate me for this, or that she’s going to feel like I’m taking my kids’ father away from them. Even though she knows exactly who he is and what he did, I still think there’s some part of her that has a soft spot for him because he’s their dad.

We have four kids together, and I keep thinking: If I do this, I’m changing everything for them. And it makes me question if I’m being selfish or if I’m just finally trying to stand up for myself.

To be clear, there is no concern about losing child support or alimony if I report him, because I don’t currently receive either of those.

I keep going back and forth between wanting accountability and wanting to try to move on. I feel like I’m stuck between trying to heal quietly and standing up for myself more publicly.

If you’ve ever been in a similar place—or anything like it—how did you decide whether to report? How did you process something like this and start to feel whole again?

Any perspective would help.