Tl;dr My (25f) bf (26m) and I had a disagreement on timeline for when we want to get engaged. I’ve made it clear since dating that I want to get married and that I don’t want to wait a long time, he never liked discussing marriage so it was impossible to gauge until the other day. He does not plan to get engaged or married any time soon. I don’t see how we can make this work.
But it feels like such a cold way to end things. We’ve been dating two years officially, seeing each other over two years (I’m 25, he’s 26) The other day, I said that I wanted to be engaged by 3 years together. He was always very dodgy about talking about what we want with marriage and never gave a straight answer, and I’ve started to feel concerned that I didn’t know where he stood, but I’ve always made it clear I want to be married and didn’t want to wait long (I’d make comments on situations that pertain to this). He wasn’t happy when I told him about it, basically explaining he wants to have his financial future more secure (he has a lot of $ and works hard for it, like over 10k, but he always wants more which I have to respect because he’s very good at saving). I said I understood but hoped that wasn’t an out, because I also bring in good $ and want to support our wedding and future with my own funds as well, which I’ve been doing since living together. We split everything 50/50 unless we want to treat each other to a nice gift or dinner out. The conversation came up again last night, (unrelated discussion about finances led to it) and since he was drunk, it got way too heated.
He kept questioning why I won’t wait longer than 3 years, why it matters and why I’m suddenly coming up with a timeline “ultimatum”. I explained that I’ve been thinking about it for a while but only recently felt sure about when I’d hope to be engaged by, and that he’s never discussed the idea of getting engaged on his own accord so how else could we discuss it? I’ve always been honest about not wanting to wait for a long time to get married, and that I didn’t want to place demands on him- I’m just talking about our future together so that we have open communication about what we want, and that couples have to talk about this. I tried to be calm, but after hearing him say I was taking things way too fast by expecting an engagement at 3 years (about a year from now) that I sound manic, I snapped and asked why I have to wait an undisclosed amount of time just for him to be ready to want to marry me. Why does his logic make sense but mine doesn’t? You don’t get married as soon as you get engaged, there’s still buffer time. But we wouldn’t meet in the middle.
Today, he tried to come to me to apologize and talk about it but it devolved again into a heated argument. He said he should’ve been told when I expect to be married when we first started dating, and since I didn’t, it’s unfair to only give him a year. He said it’s not me or us, but that since he didn’t move out of his parents til he was 25, he wants more time to establish himself and figure himself out. I asked why we can’t do that together; I always support him when I can and want to forever, I want to see him grow into his life. I told him a year is a really long time to experience more together, but he still said he just doesn’t feel right having that “cloud” loom over him. I felt heartbroken, and though he kept assuring me he didn’t mean anything negatively, I told him it felt like he dreaded the idea of marrying me. He said he wants more time but certainly will want to marry me, like another 2-3 years, but I don’t see much of a difference.
We live together, I make all the meals and clean, we both work full-time and have no other responsibilities. I just struggle to see why it’s such a hard no when a year is so long to decide if you want to get engaged or not. I always felt like we were a team up until now- now, I feel like he sees his future as his own, and not ours. It breaks my heart, but I can’t live with the idea of him feeling strapped down and I also don’t want him to feel pressured by my expectations which I know now he does. It kills me, cause he’s not wrong either for not wanting the same thing as me. It just sucks to figure out the hard way.
We’ve been through SO much together. We got through it all even stronger, and it’s blindsiding that this is what tears us up