These mistakes I made when I was 19 have been haunting me for a long time. They were the result of an immature and deeply troubled mind, weighed down by depression and confusion.
At that age, I did things that I deeply regret. I acted on twisted impulses, trying to touch my sister and cousin while they were asleep. There was no separate room in our home, and I let my urges, fed by a disturbed state of mind, take control. I hated myself for even thinking those things, let alone attempting them.
Later, I even crossed a boundary with my mother—something that fills me with disgust and shame. I never imagined I would do something like that. That realization alone has made me want to break down and punish myself in ways that non ever thought….it’s just I am hating myself a bit too much.
I can’t talk to anyone about this. It’s too twisted, too shameful. But I also can’t keep carrying it alone. It’s been suffocating me. I thought I had buried it, but the guilt resurfaced after another incident involving my cousin. That added even more weight to what I already couldn’t bear.
I don’t want to remember these things, but they keep coming back. I just want to let go of them, to forget. I want to change. I don’t want to be the person who did those things. I want to be better, to heal, and to move forward. But reality keeps me putting down…deepest into this twisted abyss I hate of most
Edit: forgot to tell I will be deleting this after few hours
Comments
Nigga wtf lmao. And I thought I was a weird nigga for wanting to fuck horses.
May Jesus forgive you in Allah name. Amen. Your future may be bright and forgive the sins of the past pray 🙏
We all make mistakes. You should seek someone to talk to. I’m always available if you want to vent, but I am not professional, just someone that doesn’t judge
Unfortuantely you will have to face these feelings, preferably with a professional like a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist, or they will always be there. Worse, with shame and not facing them, they will get darker and darker, and more and more difficult to refuse. This is how rapists and pedophiles are created. The only solution is to deal with them fearlessly and forthright, and face them with professional assitance. That you came here to talk about them means you aren’t under illusions that they do not exist, which is whete a lot of people with your circumstance are, so you can be proud of yourself for this, but this is just the start. There is help that can help you. Try to refuce your shame of these feelings and desires, not becauee they aren’t dark, but because shame makes you want to not observe and study these feelings that you will need to understand in order to overcome.
I also have dark emotions, not quite like yours, but also of brutal dark type. To fave them forthrightly has done me much good in understanding them, their origins and controlling them.
First of all, thank you for having the courage to speak about something so deeply painful. I want to acknowledge your honesty, even if it feels unbearable. The fact that you’re writing this, reflecting on it, and feeling such intense guilt means there is a part of you that does not align with those actions, a part that wants to be better, a part that is fighting to come forward.
Here’s something important to understand; trauma, guilt, and mental health struggles can lead people down very dark paths. But even then, healing is possible. Regret is painful, but it’s also the start of change. You’re not just confessing, you’re reaching out. That matters more than you know.
You don’t have to carry this alone anymore. Please know that professional help can support you through this without judgment. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists are trained to hold space for exactly these kinds of confessions. You need a safe space to work through the roots of this pain, not silence and isolation.
And no, your story doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you someone who did deeply wrong things but wants to take responsibility and heal. That’s the hardest and bravest path to walk. And you’re already on it.
I’m here. You can DM me anytime, I’m listening without judgment. Let this be your first step toward finding peace. You don’t have to stay in the abyss forever. There is a way out. one that leads toward redemption, self-understanding, and forgiveness.
You’re not beyond help. You’re not beyond healing.
And most importantly you’re not alone.
May God Watchover You!!