I want to start this off by stating I fully trust my husband and I’m normally quite untrusting of others. My husband has never once done a single thing that had me suspicious or concerned, including in these circumstances.
I (29F) and my husband (28M) have been married for just a little over a year. My husband has a girl best friend who has been his friend since kindergarten. They did date in the past when they were 15, but broke up around a month later due to feeling a lack of chemistry and remained friends. Both of them have gone through multiple relationships since and haven’t been romantic since then, either. His best friend I’ll call Hannah is an awesome woman and has been there for me more than a lot of my friends have. She’s also married and has been for roughly 3 years, and is welcoming a baby girl soon.
What prompted all of this was my husband, myself, Hannah, Hannah’s husband, a few of my husband’s friends, and my two friends (31F, 29F) Bailey and Michelle hanging out at a casual party. The issue Bailey and Michelle have with Hannah is when she came in to hug my husband, she apparently “held on too long”. I saw her hug him and it wasn’t “too long” in my eyes. If anything it was longer because she had to get the right angle to hug him due to her pregnant belly. They also haven’t seen each other in about a month. On top of this, he calls her a pet name he’s had for years with her and he does the same.
They are quite close, but not a single bit of their relationship has ever struck me as romantic. To put it bluntly, they have negative romantic chemistry. I thought this even before I began dating my husband and still hold by it. The way she looks at my husband is completely different to the way she looks at her own, which is naturally filled with love, romance, and some desire. She looks at my husband with affection and admiration, but there’s nothing that strikes me as romantic.
Bailey also said that it’s strange he has her number saved as “Pookie Dookie”, but that is very normal in our friend circle. For context, he also has his male best friend saved as “Malewife #1” and me as something pretty lewd so I’d rather not say š It’s very much so how we joke with each other though. I also have Hannah saved as Pookie #2 minus the dookie. I tried explaining that to Bailey but she didn’t really get it. She then asked if he has a “work wife”, and I said no. Michelle asked why I don’t feel worried and I can’t explain it. I told her, it’s the vibes, there’s nothing there romantically.
I asked if either of them had seen anything definitive and they both said no, outside of them telling each other “I love you” (important to note, I do this to my friends and he does it to all his friends too) they just think it’s worrisome that he’s that close to another woman. I am the jealous type, but I’ve only felt jealous once of their bond and that was years ago; and feeling distrusting of it has never happened.
I brought it up to my husband and he laughed and offered to show me his texts with her. I wasn’t even wanting to but I figured why not. I read a bunch and there was nothing at all inappropriate. It was the same exact behavior they show to each other in person. I told them this but they want me to go through his phone again and look for snapchat etc. I really don’t want to, I trust him and I think they’re overreacting due to their own problems they and a lot of others have had in situations like this.
Should I do it anyway? Should I tell them to mind their business?
Edit: I appreciate everyone’s insight, but please stop insulting my friends. They’re not “catty” or “jealous” or “trying to ruin my marriage” or anything like that. I’ll be frank, comments like that are incredibly hurtful and not helpful, and are the same exact if not worse bad faith readings of two people who genuinely care about me. You guys need to stop and ask yourselves if you’re projecting onto them before answering this question. It’s sickening to watch people call my lifelong friends jealous bitches because they were worried about something and came to me privately about it. Good friends express their concerns to each other, even if they’re ultimately unfounded and likely a result of the friends’ own traumatic histories with dating. I think they’re going overboard, but Michelle and Bailey are one of the few people I trust in this world. They’re both very kind and good natured, not drama starters. I’ve known them most of my life.
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Yo, honestly, it sounds like Bailey and Michelle are projecting some of their own insecurities onto you. You trust your hubby, he’s shown you his chats, nada to worry about there. The pet names are a fun inside joke, got nothing to do with some “side chick” nonsense. Just coz they can’t fathom a platonic male-female relationship doesn’t mean it can’t exist.
I’d say tell ’em you trust your man and to mind their own beeswax. Too much drama ain’t good for anyone. Totally in your corner on this, OP.
Tbh, looks like Bailey and Michelle may be projecting their own insecurities on you. Trust is so needed in a relationship and you both seem to share that. Also, been there felt that, we can always sense when there’s something off, and girl, you ain’t feeling it here. It’s YOUR comfort we talking about. You’ve seen the texts, he’s open about his relationship with Hannah, they pals from way back, no red flags IMO. Be firm on your trust in your man, don’t let em shake you. Tell them straight up, u trust him and don’t need to go leader of the FBI on ur guy.
Trust your gut and tell them to mind their own businessĀ
Sounds like your friends are projecting their own insecurities onto your marriage, trust your gut not their drama..
Bruh, no cap, it just seems like your mates are the ones with trust issues, not you. You and your husband sound super chill and secure in your relationship, which is such a vibe. Ain’t no need to be poking around in his text/messages when you’ve got no reason to suspect anything funky goin’ on. Tell ’em to mind their own damn business. Do you, girl, keep trusting your gut. šš¼šÆ
your friends apparently not being capable of friendship with men says more about them then it does about you, husband, or husband’s bff. yes, they’re weird.
Tbh it seems like your friends are just projecting their insecurities onto you and your relationship. You know your husband, you trust him, and even as someone who admits to being jealous, youāre not worried abt it. From what youāve said, his friendship with Hannah is fully platonic and hes the same with all his friends. You donāt owe them owt (anything), tell them to mind their business. Itās your marriage, not theirs.. Trust your gut.
Your catty friends need to find a new hobby.
Some girls are just insecure. Thank them for their input and move on. They canāt imagine their husbands being close to another girl, which is just kinda weird.
And obviously, try to create a great relationship with your hubby – great relationships include trust and allowing oneās partner to be close to others.
Yeah, their behavior is weird. They’re projecting their own baggage onto your marriage. You trust your husband, you vibe fine with Hannah, and you even checked the texts, nothing shady. Forcing you to snoop through his phone when you don’t even feel the need to would only create drama where there isn’t any. Your marriage isn’t up for committee votes
Your friends are overreacting. They mean well, but they donāt know the history and they donāt know your husband as well as you do.
I think you should follow your instincts. If you are comfortable with it , and trust her and your husband, I think itās fine . Your friends may be jealous of your relationship and maturity and are just finding a reason to start something. If you honestly felt there was more to it , you do have a right to ask him and her to dial it down .
Tell your nosey ass friends to mind their business.Ā
Ugh. No. Your āfriendsā sound like theyāre either bored in their own lives and trying to entertain themselves by finding/creating drama in yours, or are intimidated by how secure you are in your relationship and trying to crack holes in it to prove to themselves youāre not better than them. Donāt entertain it.
No reason to keep even speaking about this with your friends. Sounds like they are jilted lovers of someone in a similar situation and are projecting this onto yours.
Tell them to stfu about it and mind their business, and if they don’t, either go LC or NC with them.
Bailey and Michelle are HATERS and want you to be single so you can be a hater with them. Cut them off before they invent some other, more extreme story about your husband.Ā
Dont let your friends get in your head and potentially ruin your marriage
Ask Malewife #1.
However, donāt cause a break in your husband friendship if there is no need to. Your friends need to mind their business and settle down
Trust your gut and tell your friends that youāre thankful that they have your back no matter what, but this is a non issue and to drop it.
Get better friends. it’s great to trust your husband, isn’t it?? My wife and I are SOOOO not worried about infidelity and its just wonderful
No itās ridiculous.
Why would you disrupt your marriage thatās working by telling your husband he needs to break off a part of his social network because your two friends said they hugged for too long while she was pregnant?
Thatās just about the weakest reason Iāve ever heard, and itās as if your husband told you to cut away one of those friends because they farted once. Just leave your marriage alone, why are you looking to start trouble for you and your husband? Donāt listen to these silly friends of yours š
“Hug too long”. Wow. Your friends are giving out some hella weak advice. They literally already dated and it only lasted a month and died from lack of chemistry. It’s precisely views like your friends are giving you that prevent people from having real relationships with people they care about. Those ‘friends’ – just wait. Wait until something happens. Are they there? Or is Hannah? You already know who to trust.
Should tell your friends to use Socrates triple filter test before talking to you.
Sounds like you have a healthy and strong relationship. While I hope it isnāt intentional, and is just due to your friendās insecurities, but they are displaying toxic friend behavior. Please do not let this get in your head. It really does sound like you have nothing to worry about.
Yeah, these bitches just stirring up trouble. Girl is married and expecting a baby! Shut down their slander and speculation, like you say, āMind your own business!ā
To begin with, your marriage is between you and your husband ONLY! Iām pretty sure you would have known if something wasnāt right between your husband and his friend, all women have that instinct.
A real friend would only mention something she witnessed that didnāt seem right and if you werenāt bothered by it, then sheād let it go but your friends continued to put doubts in your head enough to make you question your husband? Those are not your friends! Theyāre both drama queens who are willing to destroy your marriage for their own entertainment. They must have some miserable husbands at home?
Trust your own instincts and the man you married. Good luck
Careful guys, if you say anything about the friends she’s literally asking for advice on, she’s gonna get mad!
Sounds like your friends are jealous you are happily married and trust your husband and the fact the are trying to cause a divide between you and make you have doubt is worrisome I would tell them if they don’t stop trying to make you see something not there you will be cutting them off because you don’t need people in your life to doubt your desisions not to mention if you did find out he was cheating good chance instead of being supportive they are going to say “I told you so” which is also something you don’t need I’d also question the fact if they actually want to be with your husband and why they are so hell bent to get you away from him like they want him themselves I’d stop inviting them out with you guys until they can support your desisions it’s super weird they are meddling so much
Sounds like you and your husband are okay with their friendship and your friends are the ones with the issue with it. Itās okay to have friends of the opposite gender. Itās nice you are secure enough in yourself and your relationship with your husband to allow him to maintain his long time female best friend. If they wanted to be together, they would be. They obviously donāt want to be together, they want to be friends. Ignore your medaling friends trying to stir up drama between you and your husband.
Smdh.
I think thereās such a negative cultural assumption about how āa man and woman canāt just be close friendsā so people are predetermined to feel a certain way about it. I also feel that personal experience can skew your perception, I definitely had a boyfriend dump me for his āsheās like my sisterā friend. With all that said, those biases are for your friends to process. You can be understanding that they want to protect you, but you clearly have deep trust with your husband a strong friendship with his best friend. I think thatās what you need to communicate to your friends, and if itās good enough for you that should be the end of it.
I have a really close guy friend who I knew before my husband and heās more like a brother to me. We never dated, never kissed, just were really good friends. We talk about crafting and gaming and tell each other āI love youā as well. My hubs isnt worried. Iām so open about whoās texting me about what, he always knows whatās up and who Iām texting. It sounds like your hubs has a wonderful friend and you should tell your friends that you appreciate they are looking out, but they donāt see what you see. And you hope they will get to become friends with her too because sheās important to you and your hubs. But I do get it, most people donāt think men and women can be friends. Society kind of teaches us this and they just have to learn to accept it.
I understand that they are just looking out for you, but once you assured them it was unnecessary, they needed to drop it. I would tell them, “Thank you for being concerned for me, but it’s not necessary. Unless you see a definite line-crossing, please don’t worry any more about this. I trust my husband, and “Hannah”, and that won’t change without reason.”
It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship. Your husband has been fantastic in the face of these concerns, and the fact that you felt safe communicating them to him shows how healthy things are between you. You also seem to have loving friends who care about your happiness. Just enjoy the lovely life you have!
So your husband has had this trusted friend since they were little more than babies and for 10 years they have been adults and shown no sign of there being any romantic feelings towards each other. You trust him on this. Sounds like your friends are just trying to stir up trouble between you to entertain themselves.
Aaw bless, you came to reddit looking for sensible advice.
You trust him. Thatās the end of this argument.
FWIW I dumped my girlfriend of 4 years or so when she tried to tell me to stop being friends with a close female friend that Iād known since I was young. If thereās literally no justification for them not being friends other than the fact she has a vagina then itās a pretty outrageous request and a slippery slope for any relationship.
Iām sure your friends mean and are looking out for you but they need to mind their own business and stop looking for trouble where there is none. It sounds like he and Hannah are exactly what you described. Friends since kindergarten (more like siblings at this point) and now your friend too.
If you’re comfortable with their relationship and you trust your husband, there’s really nothing to worry about. I get why your friends are being protective, but it’s probably more a projection of their own insecurities than anything (and of course, they’re looking out for you). I think you should tell your friends that you’ve taken their concerns seriously, but you’re not worried and they need to drop it.
Your mates need to mind their own business. They are creating drama.