A couple of years ago my wife cheated on me, I forgave her and we worked on our relationship and got through it. The past 6 months she has occasionally messaged the guy she cheated on me with saying that he’s still her friend. As far as I know the messages are innocent, but I don’t think I can go through a repeat of before. Is it wrong for me to ask her to cut contact? I’ve already told her I’m not comfortable with her talking to him, but she’s still doing it
Ultimatum for wife
r/AITAH
Comments
Bro
Well NTA but you’re torturing yourself. Your wife clearly doesn’t respect you. She cheated, you forgave her. The least she could do is cut contact with the guy she cheated with.
Should have left a long time ago. But you stayed. Cutting contact with that guy should have been step one. NTA. But you are a pushover.
I think it’s pretty fkd up that she didn’t cut contact on her own accord after hurting you like that and getting you to forgive her. Do you really want to spend your life with someone like that?
No put your foot down and keep it there, what you permit you promote!
I’m not gonna tell him… you guys tell him.
NTA, if it were me I would do this. I would create a group text message with him and my wife on it. I would say, hey aps name this is my name, wife’s husband. I wanted to let you know, you can have her, she cheated with you, and my expectation was that she would never contact you again or if you did, she would not respond and let me know. I have more self respect than that to stick around . I am filing for divorce. Good luck, as you are never the only one.
Now you don’t have to create an ultimatum, she will simply tell you she will never speak to him again. When she says this. I would say I need more. I need to to post publicly that you cheated with him before, you are talking to him again, I did not deserve to be cheated on the first time and disrespected like you are now. And you will do anything to fix this and not divorce. Then i would meet with an attorney and file for divorce. If she papers it, i would use this as evidence and resin for my divorce to help push it along.
If you really need someone to tell you it’s not ok for your wife to stay in contact with the man she cheated on you with, I’ll be that guy for you.
It is 100% not OK.
The mere fact that she’s still communicating to the affair partner and establishing their “friendship” is wild. Honestly man, the fact that you need to verbalize “hey, can you not talk to the guy you fucked behind my back” is kind of all you need to know in this scenario. I’d start the divorce process yesterday.
Leave that bitch, end of story!
YTA to yourself. (NTA)
I feel that any other person in your situation would say cut contact or we are through.
Most people would just say, ahh I see, we are through.
I understand that crossing that bridge is a huge step. She will never cut contact because she already hasn’t cut contact post cheating. She couldn’t care less of what you have to say as she’s doing that despite your input and knowledge.
Take a nice long walk. You and yourself. What do you want out of your situation? You’re your own side as she’s not. Maybe you need another person on your side such as a lawyer.
NTA
Ultimatums won’t work, definitely not here, because she knows. She knows exactly what she’s doing and what you won’t do.
You didn’t reconcile, just simply moved on with little or no consequences for her. Now her actions are your cue to leave.
Why are you staying in a relationship with someone who knows that she’s hurting you but continues to do it anyway?
Are you fucking kidding me?
has to be click bait. You forgave her for cheating and she still has contact with him. there’s a word for this type of husband, and it rhymes with Duck.
Take a day and pack up her stuff. Her clothes, jewelry, everything she owns. When she sees it, tell her you’re making it easier on her when she moves out to go shack up with dude
Do you enjoy your wife cheating on you? If not, what the fuck are you doing man?
Lmao. Have some self respect.
Bro…..you need to.tell her all contact must immediately stop…..when she gets all defe give and pissy and calls you controlling. Just calmly say, pack your things, I’m filing for divorce. Don’t argue, don’t raise your voice. Simply inform her that the marriage is over if she thinks she can stay friends with this man.
The only problem I see here is that you forgave a cheating wh0re, and now she’s lost all respect for you and think she can stay friends with her affair partner.
Time to file for a divorce because she doesn’t believe you have a spine and she can do what she wants.
Dude… What are you even doing
You don’t need us for the answer….you should know the answer…..or….you better know it
NTA but she is crossing a boundary that we married women shouldn’t cross.
YTA for staying with her, she cheated and she’s still in contact, pretty sure she’s still cheating. Either she gives him up completely or you’re done. I’d be done anyway, but you gave her another chance. Updateme
I’ve never been one to tell my partner they can’t talk to someone. But as soon as that someone starts crossing a love, it’s a hard no. If she cheated with him, they are no longer “friends” period. That ship has sailed. It’s time for her to choose, either you or him. And if she chooses you, and you catch her texting him again, it’s done. Fill stop.
Nope
The affair was poison to the relationship. Keeping around the affair partner is poison to the relationship.
She’s choosing to continue to poison your relationship.
You shouldn’t have to ask because she should never have considered contacting him again if you and the relationship mattered to her more than he did.
This isn’t ultimatum time. This is realizing who she is and where you rank in the things that matter to her time.
NTA
Your wife didn’t even have the decency to cut her AP out of her life? You’re TAH to yourself for staying with her. Stop telling her you’re “not comfortable” with what she is doing and tell her that, because she places so little value on your relationship by still keeping contact with her AP, you are ending your relationship with her. Then stop engaging with her altogether and go find a healthy and safe partner.
That’s like someone saying.
“I’m sober for my family because of who I was. However, my friends still drink and I go to the bar to hang with them”
Time to move on amigo.
She doesn’t respect you OP. She’s not going to be “just friends” with the guy. Tell her to stop all contact. If not, you should leave. Don’t live your life like this!
No consequences, so she won’t stop.
Rule #1 after cheating – no more contact with the person they cheated with. They don’t get to be friends with that person.
Oh Hell No on this. It’s time to cut and run my friend
Nta but you you need to leave your wife. You’re torturing yourself and you’ll never be over it if you stay with her.
Should’ve dropped her years ago
Duuuuddddeee. WTH are you allowing this.
I feel like most of these posts are rage bait now.
Fuck all that. You should have put out to the curb years ago. You are the asshole
This isn’t the forum you should be in for this. Stand up for yourself by leaving. Once another man can convince your wife to disrespect you, he has her mind which is worse than him having her body.
Leave. She is now a serial cheater and you can never trust her again.
YTA
Shouldn’t have forgiven and reconciled unless strict zero no contact of any kind whatsoever with her affair partner
But, you didn’t, she had zero consequences. No wonder she has no respect for you and your marriage. No wonder she sees no problem re establishing her relationship with him.
Folks, don’t be this guy
“A couple of years ago my wife cheated on me, I forgave her “
That’s all I need to read. Not shocked you are here and not shocked she’s acting up again. Perhaps you should wake the f**k up and drop that cheater and find someone else?
Or you can “forgive her” again and be back in 6 months.
You know, you could’ve been done with this mess by divorcing her the first time. She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t love you. She sure as fuck doesn’t respect you. You continuing to be a “pick-me” tells us that you don’t respect yourself either. YWNBTA, but realistically, you need to accept that this marriage is over.
Man, are men these days just born without a backbone or what. That’s the height of disrespect in my opinion. I would have a frank talk and give the ultimatum forcefully. But that’s me.
If she truly showed remorse and was working hard to earn your trust back, then she should give up the man she cheated with, sever all contact. Otherwise, she has not truly repented or given up much for breaking your trust.
Besides, the affair partner does not have such an agreement to stay ‘hands off.’ He came between you both once before, and she’s NOT kicking him to the curb, so he’s lurking until she finds some stupid reason to cry on his shoulder again…
Absolutely she should have stayed NC (no contact) with affair partner. There is no other way to maintain your marriage otherwise. That she has been in contact with him means he still fills some kind of need in her that she’s not getting inside your marriage. That stinks for you.
It’s time for a serious conversation whereby you let her know that she needs to 100% break it off with him, or you are going to break it off with HER. No compromise on this. There really is no other way.
FWIW, I’m a woman and believe what she’s doing is totally wrong.
I think that breaking contact with the AP is an absolute requirement.
I don’t understand why you are still with her.
In your shoes, I would regard her as betraying me by communicating with the man with whom she betrayed you.
I would think your self respect is in the sub-basement.
I would terminate the marriage. It’s not a true marriage.
NTA. UpdateMe
YTA because she’s going to do what she wants and there’s really no ultimatum.
If she had any chance for forgiveness, she would have needed to cut off all contact with the guy and show some remorse for what she did to you. She’s leaving the door open to cheat on you again (if she hasn’t already)
bro? wtf respect yourself
Divorce
She doesn’t think you’ll really leave so she’ll keep chatting with him and eventually the affair will restart. She is in control right now, you need to take control back and let her see how serious an issue this is and that is a boundary you won’t compromise on. Updateme
NTA she shouldn’t be maintaining contact with someone she had an affair with.
……
Dude – why are you even asking? Set your boundary. If she’s not willing to respect it, she’s done. She already betrayed your trust once with this guy. There’s obviously a reason that happened. It’s time to move on
NTA
The ultimatum should be she never contacts her affair partner again. This should have been issued when the affair was discovered and she wanted to reconcile.
That means, never, for the rest of her life. They are no longer friends. That is part n parcel of reconciliation.
I don’t know how you have not already established a boundary around this, but yes, it should be a him or me conversation.
But really, if she is this clueless, ask yourself, are you truly happy in your relationship. Is this 100% where you want to be? No qualms? Everything else is peachy keen? If it is, great, deliver the ultimatum. If it’s not, reevaluate what you want out of life. It’s too short to settle.
Still friends…just…just no. Sincerely. No.
Best of luck to you.
NTA. You are a doormat. She doesn’t respect you or value your relationship. Quit tormenting yourself and move on. She’s prepping for another affair with this guy.
It’s not wrong for you to ask, but she probably won’t stop, mainly because there have been no real consequences to her actions so far. Try drawing a line or issuing her an ultimatum – then you’ll have your answer.
I put this in a reply below, but I need to make sure you see this, OP…
I admit – this is exactly what I did. I gave my wife one more shot. Told her to cut all communication with him, or pack up and hit the bricks. Now, 6 years on, we’ve re-established trust and things are actually better than they were for a good while even beforehand.
It can be done, but both people need to be willing to put forth the effort. Setting clear boundaries is part of that. I informed my wife if she ever did anything even approaching that again, she’d be out on the street so fast her head would spin – and that she could come and pick up her stuff from the firepit outside.
Your weak character is the reason she cheats on you. She’ll keep doing it because she has no respect for you.
The fact that you have not ended this marriage is why she’s still speaking to him….
Yea they still fucking my boy
First rule of thumb: Cheaters lie.
You say your wife cheated on you. What you should say is your wife is cheating on you.
Is it wrong for me to ask her to cut contact?
Well…
Loser
Have some self respect. walk away
First of all you should’ve made her cut contact before. Now you need to cut contact with her. She mad disrespectful and does not even care about you. There’s the proof. Lawyer up kick her butt out and move on
She doesn’t respect you.I wouldn’t either to be fair you need to set boundaries and have some self respect.Divorce is the only way my man
Dude! Why would she have any contact at all? Friend or not ! What they did almost destroyed your marriage, so honestly she doesn’t respect you at all , not even enough to drop ties with this dude . She should be more to you than to him .. to be completely honest! You should drop her ass and get you a real woman ! She is using you and disrespecting you 100%
Absolutely give her an ultimatum
For the love of God grow a pair. If I was in your shoes she would have been gone when she cheated. By some chance if I had a moment of stupidity and took her back she would have found her stuff out on the curb the first time she messaged him. Get yourself some self respect and do the right thing. There’s no reason to let a 304 who doesn’t respect you treat you like this.
Oh op!! She wants to cheat. You should be planning your exit. She willingly imploded your marriage and hurt you. And continues to talk to him.
Lawyer up
In the nicest way possible, grow a pair
She’s still cheating on you.
Either dump her ass or sit in the chair
She should have already cut contact…. She cheated on you with him. That is the bare minimum of respect. BARE MINIMUM.
There is nothing innocent about this. She is either going to respect you and your relationship, or she has to go.
It wouldn’t be cool if this was the other way around
Move on, she doesnt respect you. She will do it again and again
You didn’t work through it, you accepted her side piece.
Your wife is for the streets.
NTA
She already should have cut contact my guy
He’s still more important to her than you
She in tha streets
Definitely the AH to yourself. You already know what she’s capable of doing. Now she’s totally playing in your face. Let her go and move on.
But NTA for the ultimatum.. you would be if you stay though.
Holy shit – she’s talking to her affair partner and you’re wondering if you should cut it off?
“You cheated on me?!?! After I specifically asked you not to???” – Michael Scott
If your wife cared about you or your marriage you wouldn’t need to ask. NTA
YTA for not divorcing her when you had the chance. She’ll cheat on you again, whether it’s with the same guy, or not.
YTA, for dragging this shit show,
At what point will you realize that you’re nothing more than a plan B, a roommate, or an ATM?
Are you here just to let internet strangers witness your humiliation?
Do you truly believe your wife respects you while she’s still involved with the man she cheated on you with?
And what exactly will your ultimatum achieve?
A “break” that gives her time to start another affair?
A reason for her to become more careful and secretive?
Or maybe the push she needs to start planning her exit and leave you to her AP?
Brother,
Your story isn’t Unique. It’s repeated over and over, and we are here to spare you the pain.
A Wayward spouse who checks out of the marriage but refuses to let the betrayed partner go. They don’t care about the relationship, they just don’t want to lose the safety net. So they drag it out endlessly until either the betrayed spouse finally grows a spine and walks away, or the affair partner gets bored and dumps them.
The wife that you knew is dead, and what you see is a shameless, immoral scumbag who broke her vows and keeps hurting you.
The longer you cling to hope, the longer you remain trapped in misery. The more you wait for her to “wake up,” the more she’ll resent and disrespect you. And the longer your healing will be more painful and bitter each day.
It’s time to lay this marriage to rest. Reconciliation in your case is nothing but a waste of time & effort.
You deserve far better than this.
The moment you recognize your worth and walk away, you will finally start to heal, and that’s when you’ll step into a much better life.
She’s not just friends she’s waiting for you to lower your guard before she goes running back to him. Leave her.
Dude, NTA
But your wife is super Sus on this.
Complete garbage on her part.
lol what? You’re wrong for taking her back she’s been fucking him this whole time dummy. She literally got away with cheating, what did you think was going to happen. People don’t cheat and then never cheat again bro they just either get caught or don’t get caught.
Wrong? Are you nuts??
Your wife has zero respect for you. None! And you’re okay with the disrespect!
This has to be fucking rage bait
Lol. As if she cares about your comfort. And what exactly did you work on for the cheating she did?? 😂😂🤣
How’s ole dudes dick taste
Lame, stupid bs cuck fantasy
You deserve better. You’re innocent and loving, which is why you’re even asking this question. I agree that she doesn’t respect you.
Excuse me she still entertaining the guy she cheated on you with?! Yeah the marriage would have been a done deal.
Your first mistake was taking her back. After that, you got what you deserved.
Be fucking fr bruh 😂 idk whether to laugh or cry.
Should’ve dumped that whoare 1st time around
NTA. Divorce her. She clearly has no intention of respecting your boundaries. This shows contempt for you.
Seriously bruh? What are you doing?
Marriage is OVER!!
Totally justified to give an ultimatum, she’s crossed a line with her previous actions and shame on her for doing what’s she’s doing.
She doesn’t respect you and the likelihood of her doing it again, if she isn’t already, is very high. It’s time to cut your losses, she’s not the only connection you can make.
Brother…you need to find the front door of that house, turn the knob around and lock her inside as you leave.
Even if it’s not physical it’s 100% emotionally cheating. It’s time to divorce.
Ignoring boundaries you have set. If she can not understand and respect your feelings there is no point in extending relationship. She is making her choice.
I think you should keep stroking your antlers.
It can be quite satisfying, I admit.
So either you take your antlers, and tear the relationship, or you keep enjoying the ride.
PS. If she does not occassionally stroke your antlers, end it.
Definitely give a hard ultimatum, and stick to it.
If she cant change DROP HER with no more discussion. She clearly doesnt respect you or ypur relationship enough to put it ahead of some other ass hat. Let her sulk alone, im guessing that guy cant prioritize her, if he could she would have left already.
Let her feel how cold it is out on her own, you move on and enjoy life not having to worry about what she thinks.
bro. run.
my experience through my life and my previous relationships…
Once a cheater, always a cheater. I have had 3 former relationships with women who cheated. I never felt compelled to do such a thing. Though in all three relationships I accepted what happened and tried to move on. AND every single one of them cheated again…then I left.
There is nothing wrong with her being friendly with the dude when she runs into him randomly, you know…”hi, hope you are well” but that is where it ends. Anything more is inviting trouble. 100% of the time that person on the other end…the guy in this case still thinks there is a chance for a booty call.
I would run. I would not be angry or aggressive. I would just say, end all contact with that person today or I walk tomorrow.
Even in my relationship today(married 18 years, 2 kids), I will not be party to cheating.
Completely different story if you and your wife have a open marriage. But even then there are rules.
Brother respect you…have some dignity
If she has stayed in contact with her affair partner then she’s still been sleeping with him. Hand her divorce papers
Man. Hate to tell you, but she’s already back to the cheating state of mind.
Where are your balls man?!
This HAS to be fake.
If it’s not, therapy. Not couples therapy. Individual therapy to help you discover where your confidence / self-esteem was taken from you. NTA
NTA! Cutting contact with the AP should have been one of the first things she did. Keeping him around as a “friend” is showing even more disrespect to your relationship than she already did by cheating on you.
Is this a legit question? No contact would be required without even asking. And if she doesn’t cut contact she’ll cheat again and again because you always forgive
She wants to be with him or have the best of both worlds. Does that work for you?
Uhhhh…. If you’re working on getting over her cheating, no contact with the AP is generally the first rule. Any continued contact shows a lack of wanting to make up for the mistake. Her calling him her friend is a slap in the face and shows she regrets not having him in her life more than making you comfortable. This isn’t just ultimatum worthy; this is showing she didn’t learn her lesson.
How was this not part of the conversation before you got back together? Regardless, do it now. Be ready to leave if she refuses.
Why are people this stupid? Yes, you shouldve demanded her to have no contact with the other person. Honestly your wife shouldve offered it. Its a dealbreaker if she keeps that person as a friend.
NTAH
Wow! To me that says she isn’t fully sorry. Metaphorically, (by texting with the guy she cheated on you ), she’s still playing with the fire that “burned” her marriage!!! It’s like an alcoholic still stopping by the bar everyday!
She broke your trust in the most personal way someone can break a trust. I”m not of the opinion that these issues can’t be worked through, people do make mistakes, but if she’s already breaking trust by reaching out ….
Dude, please….
Cutting contact wasn’t a condition of reconciliation in the first place?
As others have said: Bro.
NTAH – except that I think you’re a bit of a moron for not putting your foot down harder and earlier. What the fuck could they possibly have to talk about that’s “innocent?”
Cutting all contact forever is a given. She may be itching for a divorce – let her have it.
Acting like a simp
You basically gave her permission to keep talking to him when you decided not to leave her the first time. I know I’m going to get roasted for this, but oh well. By not letting her know that you were willing to leave and making her feel like she had something to lose, you made her realize in her mind that she could do it and you will forgive her. In no way is it ok for her to ever contact the other guy again. She’s basically just telling you that she has no respect for your relationship. The choice is yours, but you’re just setting yourself up for heartache later on.
She doesn’t care about you bro move on💔
No contact ever again should have been a condition of the forgiveness. You should now implement the overdue edict: No further contact with AP or Divorce. Contact a divorce attorney and follow his advice so you’re ready. Be prepared to insist she verify the no-contact and for the possibility that she will choose him. Be strong.
NTA. It’s okay to establish boundaries and asking her to go no contact with someone she cheated with is very reasonable. Why does she insist on keeping him around?
She’s not over her AP and is okay with hurting you. Again.
You should go on vacation to a place you’ve always wanted to live and just stay there. Change your number, delete social media and just start anew. Good luck.
They still have sex, but it’s just the tip. Not all the way in.
GET A STD TEST AND A LAWYER!!!
Dude come on. Seriously. You aren’t having divorce papers drawn up.
OH
MY
GAWWD
they’re still friends, isn’t that nice.
your post brings up a question —– when you ‘forgave’ her, did you know that she had absolutely zero respect for you? that in her mind you’re nothing but a worthless piece of dung?
would you have forgiven her if she said it out loud then? if not, why is it okay that you know it now?
Fuck man!!! She should NEVER have contact with him.
Maybe you ‘got through it’, she didn’t. Still talking to her AP pretty much proves the point that he’s more important than you are.
If you choose to forgive a cheating spouse (I wouldn’t), the first thing you demand is cutting the other person off completely and immediately. I’d bet money that she’s still cheating.
Come on man, you can’t be that stupid.
When she cheated on you, first thing you should have done was show her the door.
You are a doormat, and she thinks she can do anything and you will rollover every single time.
Ghost her now
Preparation is what you need to do. Listening to all of this advice leads to decisions you have to make. Do you accept she will continue to see and meet with this new boyfriend and how will you accommodate her? Do you reject this situation and have an open conversation on your marriage? Do you feel betrayed and she’s broken the promise she made on the discovery of her affair? If you feel betrayed then you need to hire a lawyer and prepare for a divorce and also know your rights and want you want.
She is still friends with the guy, come on! She obviously doesn’t value you or your relationship that much to still be in contact with him even if they aren’t bumping uglys anymore. It’s just disrespectful and potentially emotional cheating.
I wouldn’t even give her the ultimatum. She’s made her choice, send the divorce papers her way.
I ordinarily am not in favour of controlling a partner from communicating with members of the opposite sex – even usually when they’ve had past relationships.
People they cheated with is a major exception to that. When you choose to cheat with someone you’re giving up your right to maintain a friendship with them post cheat.
………? Why is she in contact with the person she cheated on you with. Like what is the excuse this time.
Man divorce her ass…its a huge red flag.
She is still in a relationship with the other man. Unless there are kids involved, release her. If kids, suck it up until the last one is 18 -no need to mess up their lives too. Be polite roommates with the common goal of raising wonderful kids
You need to be packing your bags right now. Go and do it bro, like seriously… right.. now!
Absolutely not.
dude
YTA for posting AI rage bait. Twice as much if this is even remotely real.
Cut contact with HER. How much disrespect can you tolerate? If you have told her it bothers you and she continues to do it, that should be all you need to know about how she feels about you and your marriage. Get out now.
I’d say she already chose the other guy, so no second chance divorce her ASAP. She is just using you.
She should be no contact with this guy. Don’t be stupid.
Holy fuck buddy, wake up. She’s friends with the guy who nearly broke up your marriage.
A lot of people on here need a group consensus to wipe their own ass
Bro. R u cool??? Just walk away. Y’all didn’t work shit out. U lay down on the floor and she’s wiping her feet on u! Can u imagine how many dummies that “friend” is calling u? STAND UP! YTA.
Stop being a simp and leave that bitch for an upgrade
OP, this is why we repeatedly and strongly recommend NEVER staying with a cheater. They ONLY take it as permission to cheat, again.
Go hire the divorce attorney and get on with your life.
NTA But you will be TA if you STAY with this serial cheater.
r/holyfuckjustbreakup
What the hell, dude? Are you reading what you wrote? Your wife fucked another dude and still messages him and you are writing on Reddit post? You should be writing the terms of your divorce with your attorney. She does not respect or care about you in the least.
Do not ask her to cut contact with him!
Ask her to cut contact with you and only communicate through your attorney!
I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than live with a cheating wife and feel lonely with her around me. Fucks sake.
If I worked through that and she still contacted him I would be gone the same day.
I’m hoping this is bait cause if it’s not you gotta be ready to divorce that. No way she cheated and you still let her talk to the guy she cheated with
She’s more than messaging.
She’s still hitting that.
Send her on her way.
I think you should have said what I told my ex in a fit of rage, do you keep those legs closed for anyone?? It was wrong, insensitive, yet the truth hurts.
Nope nope nope