Basically the title – me (24F) and my partner (23F) have been dating for about 2 years and I first met her mother around a year ago, who had been unemployed for 4 years (she used to work in social services). We got to know each other, and one day she told me she lost her job because she got falsely accused for misconduct, and since had a record against her that prevented her from working. I initially empathised with her circumstances and understood that she was trying her best to lift this restriction and be able to work again.
However over time I noticed she barely did anything to improve her situation as she spends all day sleeping, watching TV or visiting friends, and a week ago she told me she had actually been allowed to work for several years, but that she didn’t want it to be in any other area than social services (which she is still banned from).
In short, she does not want to get a job, and most importantly she asks her kids (my partner and sibling – both under 25) for money for EVERYTHING – be it rent, food, electricity, transport or leisure. They pay for it all despite her receiving help from the government, and whenever she needs more she will call them at any point of the day or night and have them transfer her money within minutes (in the 10 to 50) multiple times a week. In the time I’ve known her she has been on 4 separate holidays abroad while my partner and sibling are barely able to save any money since they cover all the expenses for the household. She also recently joked to me about the fact I have a decent job and that I should buy her a house when she retires and take her on (yet another) holiday.
My girlfriend has been wanting to move out of the family home for some time and we have considered finding a place together, but as I said she is struggling to build any decent savings. To top it all, my MIL recently told her that she expects her to continue paying rent and utilities for the house even if she moves out.
I am losing my mind here as I don’t know what to do to help stop my MIL’s leeching behaviour – I don’t want to intrude into their family dynamic and know that my girlfriend feels a lot of pressure to support her mom, but this is completely preventing her from gaining her independence and for us to plan a future together. Any advice?
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She’s 23 years old. A legal adult. Free to make her own choices and has free will. If your gf isn’t leaving then that’s the choice she is making. She’s not a prisoner.
I’d be more concerned that your partner allows this to continue
Yes. RUN! You will not win. Either the girlfriend see that she needs to totally drop the rope and stop paying for her mom or you need to move on. Because it will take YEARS of therapy to fix this
You blame the MIL. But your GF needs to grow a backbone and say no. She’s under no obligation to give her mum money and certainly not if she moves out.
I suspect if you ever do have a future your MIL will control many aspects of your life because your GF will let her.