I am unexpectedly pregnant at 35.
I am engaged, and have a stable job. I have considerable savings
Our housing situation is not ideal. My fiance owns a house with his roommate, and we live in the master suite. I would need to buy a house for a future with a baby. Financially this does not concern me.
I am a bit at a loss. This wasn’t in the plan for another 2 years or so, and the state of the world (we’re in the US) is a flaming disaster.
That being said, I’m having trouble with the idea of termination. I’m not against it in principal, but….it makes me sad.
My fiance is not a fan of continuing the pregnancy, but says he’ll support my choice. I worry that he will resent a choice other than termination.
Does anyone have any advice?
(If you give me birth control advice, I will add you to my bad karma list and block you)
Comments
Why would you need to buy a whole separate house for a baby? Seems like you can just give the roommate his notice. Baby won’t arrive for several months and won’t be in their own room indepedently for several more.
In terms of it not being an ideal time – if it’s bad financially or from a health perspective, sure, maybe now is not good, but from a political perspective or from a “we’re ready” perspective – nobody is ever really ready to have a baby, if you want kids than there’s no politically perfect moment in which to have them, etc.
edit: some people may moralize about it being irresponsible to have a kid “in this climate” but I don’t really feel that way about having kids – I think it’s a hopeful thing to do and I don’t think it’s inherently moral/immoral. If you feel differently, then, that’s your choice, but I’m not going to berate you for having a kid now vs. in 2 years. Doubt most of the factors you’re concerned about will be much different anyway.
Just my two cents (as a childfree person FYI):
There’s a lot of stigma around terminating pregnancies, but ultimately the best parents are the ones who go in whole-heartedly and not ambivalent. Abortion is healthcare, and you can always try again with intention when you’re ready. Better to take the time you need to prepare for parenthood and exercise agency than fall into it.
I think if you don’t feel right about termination and financially you can afford it, I think you should keep it. There is never a good time to have a baby. If you have a therapist that you talk to, consider talking to them about this
I think if you will be sad if you terminate the pregnancy and your fiancé might be resentful if you don’t, that feels to me more like an argument for continuing the pregnancy than terminating, especially if the two of you already want a child together at some point.
I’ll say it again: children should be wanted. You and your fiancé need to figure out what’s in your hearts regardless of timing or housing situation.
Honestly, you were only going to try get pregnant at 37? Fertility decreases with age and 37 is pushing it to be starting. This is coming from someone with 3.5 years of infertility and now going through IVF, but at 35 I would count your lucky stars you didn’t have to try and go with it. If you didn’t want kids that’s a different issue, but to have simply come a bit earlier than expected to me is a no brainer at this age. There is never a perfect time and the world likely won’t be any better in 2 or 5 years from now.
I have no advice, this is going to be a deeply personal decision for you.
You’re 35 and financially stable and it seems like you are ok with continuing the pregnancy. You don’t know how your fertility will change in 2 years time – if you struggle to get pregnant in the future will you regret the termination? If you don’t terminate and your fiancé leaves you will you be ok to raise the baby by yourself?
Your fiancé is in his mid-30s, owns a house and is intending to marry you, what are his concerns? Why is now so bad instead of 2 years from now? Is it just the state of the world? I don’t think the world is going to be much better in 2 years – if the political situation became worse would you choose not to start a family at all?
In my opinion I think you should keep the baby if you have a strong desire to have kids. I am 33 and have been trying to conceive for the last 7 months with no luck so far. It’s a lot harder to get pregnant than you think, and fertility decreases with age. You don’t want to look back two years from now and regret it.
Best of luck with whatever decision you make!
Mom of 2, with a 3rd on the way.
Children should be wanted, I would not blame anyone for terminating a pregnancy they weren’t ready to have.
That said, nothing is guaranteed and fertility is finnicky. No guarantees that in 2 years you’ll be successful conceiving.
I guess if you guys are like, “We really want a baby just not right now” I would recommend having a conversation before terminating because, tbh, there is a never a good time to have children it always massively changes your life. You don’t need to buy a house, you just need to ask the rooomate if he is cool living with a baby or give him time to find a new place (he’ll have 9 months).
Good luck with whatever you choose.
Are you 100% sure your fiance wants a child in the future? I’m a little bit surprised that he has a home, finances are OK, you’re already 35 (I assume he’s around the same age) and you’re literally pregnant right now, and he’d prefer to abort. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because you’re not exactly super young (as far as having kids goes) and there are no guarantees you’ll get pregnant again in a few years.
I don’t think anyone should have a baby who doesn’t 100% want to have a baby. Also, you are so right about the state of the U.S. and world. It’s not going to be any better in two years or any time in the near future, and I think it’s a terrible idea to bring kids into the world now.
Given your age and the fact that you know you wanted one in a few years, I would probably go for it if you’re financially stable. Seems like one of those “if you’re waiting for the right time, it will never come,” moments.
Honestly, I’d be afraid that when I’m ready my body won’t be having it.
Just going to for informational sake point out that after abortions some women experience something similar to PPD, so if you go that route make sure you have the resources to take care of yourself. That’s what scares me the most about abortion, the after feelings.
No one can know what’s right but you. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.
As someone who worked in early childhood education, a child thrives most when both of their parents (or at least the parents present in their lives) are happy and want the child.
If your fiance is not a fan of continuing the pregnancy, think of it this way; are you willing and able to raise this baby without any emotional, physical or financial support from him? Because if he’s not in it fully, your child will be able to tell even from a young age. Kids can tell when their parent is just there out of obligation and when they’re unwanted.
Termination does have a social stigma but at least it’s available.
it’s YOUR body, and therefore YOUR choice. you do what you want to do, what is right for you.
I personally do not regret my decision to terminate a pregnancy that I was not ready for. However, the thought of the decision did not make me sad – it was immediately my decision upon seeing the positive result on the test. I knew I was not ready to be a mother.
That being said, I think every person who makes the decision to parent must be willing to do so alone if there is hesitancy from their partner; while YOU may make the choice to be a parent, your partner may make the choice to not be a parent, which would obviously really stink, but it’s a choice you need to be prepared for him to possibly make. While he says he will “support” you – what does that look like? Your life will forever be altered by the choice to be a mother; his might not. Men can “nope” out of parenting quite easily, as stupid as that is.
You can do it. Of course the decision is yours, but honestly, I think the reality of having a baby would scare the shit out of anybody! You seem like you are in a good place financially and within your relationship. Obviously the housing thing would need to be figured out, but I feel like that is doable. You got this!
Tbh I was expecting to read that you never wanted kids, but you said you don’t want kids for at least 2 more years? So you do want kids? In that case, and since you’re financially able to provide for them, why not go through with it? You of course can’t predict the future, but it would plague my conscience if I terminated a pregnancy and then had fertility issues down the road.
If you were thinking of starting a family in 2 years, feel you can financially handle it, and terminating leaves you with sad feelings, I would continue with the pregnancy honestly. We don’t know the strength of the relationship with your fiance and how much he’ll get on board with it. My husband was kind of ambivalent about his own desires for kids, everytime I asked him if we should be child free or have a kid he was always just supportive of it being my choice saying either option would be fine but he liked the thought of having kids. When I decided it was the right time, he supported that. And now 3 years into parenthood he’s an amazing dad. So you really need to see if your fiance just thinks the timing isn’t great but does want a family or if he actually isn’t emotionally ready to love and care for a baby. Having a baby is a strain on your health, finances, sleep. Being able to blame and resent someone for it is a relationship killer.
I had a similar situation happen to me at 34/35. My then boyfriend (37) and I had an unplanned pregnancy. We were not living together. I had 2 roommates living with me in my house and he had 1 in his house.
We had already talked about marriage, kids, etc but this pushed the timeline up.
Before I talked to him about the pregnancy, I thought through my options and how I wanted to proceed. I came to the conclusion that if anything happened to our relationship, I would be able to raise a child as a single parent. When I told him, we were both terrified but he was enthusiastic about starting a family.
He rented out his house and moved in with me at 7 months pregnant. My roommates moved out at 8 months pregnant and we got married when our daughter was 18 months. We had a second baby 4 years later.
There is never a perfect time to have a child, but if your partner is “not a fan” of having a child right now, you should consider if this is something you would be able to do alone before making your decision.
We can’t tell you what to do since we are not going to be the ones to have to live with the consequences of either outcome.
Still, I’d never have a baby with a man who wasn’t 100% on board.
Would it be an option to buy out the roommates share of the house? This doesn’t address the bigger issue which is that it sounds like your fiancé isn’t ready to be a father. Have you asked him if not now, when. I don’t think anyone’s ever truly ready, but what does “ready” look like to him?
I won’t dare give advice on terminating versus keeping, but I will say that the sadness is understandable. I do not want kids ever, and I once miscarried a really early pregnancy that I didn’t know about yet (irreg. cycle). I wouldn’t have kept it, but the loss still saddened me in a way. Just wanted to share that to say it’s normal to feel sad but I don’t think that feeling alone should inform how you proceed.
This is a good resource for working through your decision https://www.pregnancyoptions.info
At 35, I’m not sure your fiancé understands that there isn’t unlimited time left. Of course women are having children later in life and it’s totally possible to have them into your 40’s but studies do show a decrease in fertility as we age. So he needs to come to the decision does he really want kids or not? For you, it appears you wanted them, it’s just a bit earlier than expected. There really is no difference between now and two years from now. And to be fair, we may be in a worse political climate two years from now. The next election isn’t until 2028, which is roughly 3 years away. And that’s not accounting for possible impeachment with someone who is just as awful next in line. Sending you positive vibes, follow your heart, whatever that decision may be. 💜
Sounds like the universe, God, whatever, just gave you a little bump in your time line, I’d embrace that and run joyfully into your crazy unknown love filled future. Hold onto it! Life is like this, and life is so good!
A lot of my friends are having trouble conceiving now. (We are 35/36, having been in college in the same year together.). I’ve had two friends have to do several rounds of IVF, which has been very expensive. Women’s fertility declines much faster than people expect. I’m not saying not to terminate, but I think you should keep it mind that you may have trouble later on if you choose to wait. Our fertility is just not generally aligned with the trajectory of the rest of our lives, unfortunately.
Can I ask why your fiance a big fan of continuing the pregnancy? That seems like a really big factor in your decision making.
Oh you own property? You’ll be totally fine! You got this mama <3 Perhaps look for some support groups in your area so you have people to chat to about your situation. Honestly a lot can change in 2 years even healthwise so I say go for it now if you’re engaged and it was already in the plan.