I am 26, I used to “want kids” as a child until 23, but in the sense that I just assumed I’d have them, that was part of life etc. I’ve never fantasised about being a mum, having a deep desire etc… it was just an assumption that I would. When I met my fiance and he didn’t want kids, I worried abit but as a we were so young I left it on the back burner. Anyway, a couple years ago I had almost a breakthrough and realised I didn’t actually want kids, and now am excited about the idea of being child free, I love the idea of it just being me and my future husband for life. I can’t image being pregnant, giving up my whole life to raise a child, it just isn’t a “want”. Of course there’s still the 5% that’s like “what if I regret it” but I’m a naturally anxious person and overthinking.
Anyway, my partner is and has always been 100% no kids. But what if I do get to 35 and have a “hormonal body clock” reaction and suddenly desperately want kids? That’s a scary thought. Any thoughts?
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The same thing that would happen if you date somebody who isn’t childfree and they want kids and you don’t change your mind: you unfortunately break up. It’s a heartbreaking reason to break up, but it does happen often, and there’s no way to guarantee it never happens to you besides not marrying anybody.
Some people are part of your life forever and some for a season. But enjoy whatever season you are in without stressing about the next one. If you are constantly worried about tomorrow you will miss today.
Sorry to sound like a billboard for inspirational quotes but honestly, just keep checking in with yourself. Are you happy? Yes? Ok. I always thought I wouldn’t have any children. I was adamantly child free mindset my whole life until I wasn’t. So here’s one more: the only thing constant is change.
Well you’d consider if you’re willing to discard the life you’ve built with the man you love because your monkey brain is telling you to make babies.
Just… If humans gave in to every single urge we get that’s created by hormones and biology, we’d be a bunch of murderous rapists. The fact that it’s really just women who are actively encouraged to give in to their hormonal urges even against all better judgement, reason and long term life choices they’ve made (choices they’ve made with their brains instead of their vaginas) is wild to me.
If you do subsequently deem your evolutionary urge to breed worth pursuing, then you’d communicate that with your husband, and likely (but not necessarily always, his 100% might have softened over the years too, people change) end your marriage, then go out there to try and find someone to have a baby with.
Everybody can change their mind. Maybe your husband will have a mid life crisis and leave you at 50 to impregnate some 20yo. Shit happens. As long as you are entering that commitment with the best intentions now, you’re good. If at 35 you realize you want a kid after all, you divorce and make that happen with someone else.
Also, having kids is a rational decision. I’m in my mid 30s, I’m firmly decided not to have kids for many many reasons including serious health concerns, and I still have a passing thought every now and then that having that 5yo munchkin would be cute. Then my rational brain takes over and I know it’s not something I want when I realize all that comes with having an actual baby. You can absolutely decide not to give in to a passing fancy.
The biological clock is a lie that society invented to presure women into having kids. Some women wants them, some do not want them. Some will change their mind over the years. But if you do not want them, being older is not going to make you suddenly want children.
Think also about what would you want more. The man that you love or some hypothetical child that does not exist. For me personally leaving a spouse to have children means that you did not love that person.