Unsure if this is a trauma bond or I’m just weak? (20F) (35M) (few month “situationship”)

So, I (20F) met Dean (35M) some months ago. I fell hard, and fast – I’ve never felt so much for a single person before. But throughout it all, we never put a title on any of it. That, and the comments he used to make (demeaning me, my age, my intelligence, etc.) were weighing heavy on me after a little while – I felt SO much for him, and he said he felt the same, but he called us “friends”. He used all these cute little names for me, but refused to let us be anything. And he’d say he saw so much in me, enjoyed me so, but he insulted me and looked down on me at the same time. It was confusing and honestly a lot of heartache. I mean, he’d sing my praises, but forget where I work, react to my speaking in conversation like I was background noise. And it happened progressively – in the beginning, he was so attentive and sweet. I guess they all are though.

Fast forward, Dean pushed a boundary. A big one. He did something he should not have done. It freaked me out and changed how I saw him. So a week after that, I walked away, explaining that I was no longer comfortable with seeing him due to what he did. He said he understood, and that he hadn’t meant to make me uncomfortable, but what he did could not have been a mistake. So I said goodbye, and I was heartbroken, but it was the right choice. I did make the mistake of solely removing him from social media though, and not blocking him.

So, weeks later, I was on a trip to another state touring colleges. Right before this trip, he requested to follow me, but quickly revoked it. A few days later, during my trip, he requested again, and left it this time. I accepted it, and we talked again. I can’t honestly say what brought me to let him back in. I missed him, I was still extremely sad, but I was pretty firm I’d made the right choice, aside from my constant wondering what we would’ve become if he hadn’t crossed the lines he crossed. Part of it was that we’d talked about my college tours coming up, and being there made me think of him, made me miss him more, and made me want to share it all with him. So, being said, we talked for like a week and a half, but he got passive aggressive quite quickly when I didn’t reply fast enough. I got annoyed, I responded a bit less, and he responded less, and we just kinda stopped texting mutually.

Then, a few weeks LATER, he texted me AGAIN. And I replied. And we’ve been talking ever since.

It’s just not like anything I’ve ever been through. I miss him all the time, he’s all I want. But what he did, I can’t get over that either. It was kind of traumatic. When he’s not around, I’m heartbroken because I miss him and what we had and what I dream that we could’ve had. When he is around, I’m happy to have him, but also anxious and sad all the time because I know we’ll never be the same. Yet, he texts me, and I can’t help it. Both times, I had entirely sworn him off. But his name pops up and I’m replying within minutes.

This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I’ve never felt adoration for somebody to this level, or heartbreak, or confusion, or anger, or love, or betrayal, or anything. I cry all the time, I just feel so lost. And I honestly don’t know now if it’s trauma related or if I’m just weak. But I do know I need to figure something out, because it’s really unfair of me to keep him on the line if I don’t even know my true feelings.

TLDR; have had an up and down relationship with this guy and idk what any of it means