Update from My Last Post: MIL Visit Not My Problem
So, she came.
As I said before, the house wasn’t guest ready no clean sheets, no meals prepared, nothing set up. My husband spent the day fixing his car like it was any other day. I didn’t lift a finger. I packed my bag and left for my sister’s house.
My husband called me around 5 PM and told me he had lost his wallet and that the bank was closed. I don’t know what he expected me to do with that information, but I just said, “Oh.”
So now, not only did he have nothing prepared for her, but he also didn’t have any money to buy her anything. She was already with him at 5 PM, so I was just thinking how things were already going wrong lol. Last time she visited, I was overprepared. While my husband picked her up from the airport, I made sure all her food and everything else was ready because I knew how hungry she’d be after a long flight.
When I spoke to him the next day, he said he told his mother that nothing was prepared and, if she was hungry, he’d drop her off at the grocery store so she could pick up what she needed (with her own money, since he lost his wallet). So they went to the store, she bought groceries for herself, and she cooked for both of them.
This was already shocking to me because she had to buy her own groceries and cook her own food even though she’s a guest. I can only imagine what she would’ve said about me if I had done that to her.
She made breakfast, lunch, and dinner for them. I found that funny because the last time she visited for a week, she didn’t lift a finger. She acted like I was her servant relaxing on the couch while I brought her meals, desserts, wine, and anything else she asked for. But now she’s cooking for herself and her son? I found that very interesting.
When my husband went to work on Monday, she spend the whole day at her friend’s house.
Her friend lives in our city. Last time she was here, she refused to go visit that friend the entire week. She just wanted the “princess treatment” to continue, with me taking care of her. So the fact that she spent over 8 hours at her friend’s house this time? Very telling.
When my husband came back from work, she brought me up and told him she desperately wants to make peace with me. She said he should have a talk with me. He told her why I was hurt and why I cut her off (which she already knows). She cried and said she wants to apologize wants to beg for forgiveness.
Like I’ve said before, she’s very emotionally manipulative. Her crying and fake words always work on my husband because he’s used to that kind of behavior. But they don’t work on me. In the past, when she hurt me, she tried apologizing and crying. I fell for it multiple times until I finally cut her off.
Since then, I’ve been living in peace. I changed my number and moved on. The last straw was how she treated me during my miscarriage. My husband had previously promised not to force me to talk to her again or force a relationship, but now he’s telling me she cried, apologized, and that I should talk to her?
That really annoyed me.
I don’t want to talk to this woman again. Even if she comes to visit, I always have my family’s home to go to. But now, all of a sudden, she wants to be in my life again and I’m not interested.
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Of course she’s suddenly sooo guilt ridden and wants to make amends after what 48 hours of visiting without you there to cater to her and she had to do everything herself. She’s hoping she turns on the water works and you feel bad that she feels sooo bad that you’ll come home and be her servant again
Tell him this is her modus operandi and he doesn’t get to project his lack of ability to see her manipulation on you. Nor does he have the right to continue to ask you to put your continued abuse from her aside. When he took his vows he took them to leave and cleave. Remind him of that and continue to stand your ground.
She is a boy mama who is getting exactly what she wants- taking care of her wittle boy. And your SO laps it up.
I wouldn’t change a thing about how you are handling her and if SO keeps pushing i would look for a therapist to help him cut the cord
“Quite frankly, I’m not interested in having any sort of relationship with your mother. I’ve been through all of that before and I will not put myself through it again just to make her happy. Please do not bring this up again.”
“tell her I appreciate her wanting to make amends, but I’m not ready yet. I need more time for personal introspection on what my relationship with her will look like in the future. Let her know that I am happy she sees that her behavior towards me has been shitty and wants to apologize. If she is truly remorseful, she will will respect my need for more time.”
IF SHE IS TRULY REMORSEFUL SHE WILL RESPECT MY NEED FOR MORE TIME
this means her only response should be some variation of “ok, let OP know she can reach out when she’s ready”. and then silence. No nagging, no letters, no “but WHHHYYYYY?” or husband asking OP “when are you gonna talk to my mom again?”
I confess I’m just drunk on the vicarious joy of hearing how your husband and his mother are now dealing with the consequences of her awful nasty behavior and his failure to stand up and protect you. All the crocodile tears in the world can’t wash away the scars left by her absolute vileness and entitlement. I think her visit was a raging success. I raise my coffee cup to you and hope you enjoy many more future visits with your friends and family when she tries to shove herself down your throat again. Tell him he can play with mommy all he wants, but in case he hadn’t noticed before you’re finished playing.
Of course you’re not interested! My advice would be to stick to your guns. I applaud the way you handled your last visit.
No is a complete answer. Tell him “No” and move on. You already told your husband your reasons. He will need to come to terms with it.
“No”
It’s a complete sentence. No need to explain further.
IF in the future you feel like you might entertain her it’s either hotel or HE prepares and you just choose to be polite in conversation. That’s it.
But I wouldn’t, personally.
And the fact that he was fine with her being his maid for a week would give me MAJOR ick.
👏🏼 Incredible. So proud of you! 😁
I hope you can always keep this kind of peace and distance.
I just want to say I’m proud of you for removing yourself from that situation while she visits. You protected your peace. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t seem willing to do the same for you.
Sorry Hubby, we’ve been through this cycle before. I am completely immune and absolutely indifferent to your mother’s tears and insincere apologies. I do not have to be treated like garbage by anyone and certainly not in my own home. She is only remorseful now because she isn’t getting waited on hand and foot while being allowed to insult me. I am permanently done with that woman. The way she treated me during the loss of OUR baby ended any chance at reconciliation – most likely forever.
I don’t have to be around anyone I don’t want to. That’s doubly true for people who treat me badly. I have tried and you know it. After this visit with your mother in my absence, you should now be fully aware of all I did for her- to make her happy and earn her approval. She continued to reject me and be cruel. I’m done trying and it feels wonderful to be free.
You should have whatever relationship you want with your mother. I don’t have to have one at all and won’t. When she visits, it will always be just like this. I will leave.
Saw this coming, the MIL cooking for herself and DH, not being totally helpless, and the guilt trip/fake remorse.
Keep doing what you’re doing, OP. She will likely visit less after realizing she’s going on a trip to give DH the prince treatment and she’s got no one to blame but herself.
So proud of you, you handled her visit perfectly!
It has been a year since you cut her off, ask your husband why is she acting remorseful now? As far as I can tell the only thing that has changed is your lack of servitude. Even if she is genuine, which we both know she isn’t, that doesn’t change the fact that your husband made you a promise to not put pressure on you to have a relationship with her and he is going back on that promise. If she was sincere she would reach out to you, not make a show of going through your husband. Ask him why her feelings are more important than yours, he’ll likely struggle to come up with response. Some things cannot be undone, your miscarriage and the way you were treated during that time is absolutely one of them.
No, no, no.
Just keep your life peaceful. Keep up the no contact.
“DH, I’m all out of forgiveness for your mother. I’ve seen this movie before and I’m not interested. I’m at peace with my decision to not have a relationship with her. I suggest y’all get used to it and do the same.”
You are pretty bad ass! Keep at it, don’t cave!
First off, you did good – very good. You tried your best to have a great relationship with her, but she didn’t reciprocate, but instead sh*t all over your efforts. I hope DH sees this.
Have a serious talk with DH. His mother is only sorry that she pushed things way too far to ruin a great thing even for herself. Years ago I reached a similar point and dropped the rope. When DH’s stepmother realized it, she kept telling DH that she “wanted things to be the way they were”.
I got DH to understand that OF COURSE she wanted things to “be the way they were” – meaning they were GREAT for HER – but ONLY for her! She wanted to just keep sh*tting on me (and him which is when he realized it was a LOT for him growing up) with no repercussions.
You have stood up for yourself but remind DH, this doesn’t work for YOU! MIL has does nothing to show that she will change but instead has made this a pattern. This one-sided relationship requires too much effort with only abuse in return.
We did go for counseling (which I DO recommend). The counselor at first horrified me by telling me I couldn’t ask him to cut her off. But rather quickly DH went VLC with her on his own.
My brain is awash with dopamine at how MIL and DH have come to their just desert.
I flipping love stories of Dil setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries. You navigated this visit SO well and stuck to your boundaries the whole time. Don’t be swayed by her emotional tactics! She’ll leave, you’ll go back to your house (which, it was VERY kind of you to even leave your own house and not make her get a hotel) and all will be right with the world. If she really wants to make peace she can respect your time and feelings and wait until if/when you are ready.
She realized how good of a woman and wife you are. And now she regrets it. TOO BAD SO SAD. Perfect example of FAFO.
Guess this trip was a real wake up call for her huh.?! 😂😭
Tell DH she’s not pulling you back into her trap and he needs to honor his word…