I’ve been getting so many messages and comments that I haven’t been able to reply to them all. Emily and I are deeply grateful for all the kind words we have received and even the unkind ones have been insightful in their own way.
A lot of you asked how we did not know that Dan was brainwashing James against us. Its not that we didn’t know. We knew that some level of parental alienation was happening, hence why we repeatedly advocate for therapy, but we didn’t know to what extent. Like I said in a comment before, whenever we tried to talk to James, we would either throw a tantrum or simply sit like a stone and not say a word. Since therapy was denied repeatedly, we really couldn’t do much. The fact that Dan and filled James’ head with this kind of b*llsh*t, we really didn’t know. Last year, when James spewed his judgment on how Em was to blame for their family breaking up, is when we had our first inclination of how much James had been poisoned against us.
As for suing Dan for parental alienation, at this point, it doesn’t matter. James will turn 18 early next year and we have no proof of anything. We did not record the conversation we had with him and James is not a reliable witness. He would easily lie to protect his father.
Now, coming to the recent developments. After everything that James said, Emily was very shocked and devastated. For all those who said she should have told James that Dan was the problem not us and so many other things. Reality was that she said nothing because she couldn’t. Real life isn’t like some scene from a movie or series where characters have replies ready at the tip of their tongue. When your son spews this level of hate towards you, its hard to comprehend and respond with zingers.
That said, we have had time to think things over. And we have considered a lot of the advice that we got from here. Emily has decided that while she will continue to add to James’ fund till he turns 18, she will not be handing over the money to him. As per the advice given by many, she will be paying directly to the institution that James gets admission into. If he chooses not to go to college, then the money will be held back and given to him when he turns 25. In the hopefully very unlikely case of Emily passing before James turns 25 then our lawyer will be in charge of ensuring that James gets the money at the allotted time. This is to ensure that neither James nor Dan can blame me for meddling with the money.
Since our last conversation, James had not come home. He stayed at a friend’s place for a few days, then went back to his father’s place. Emily asked him to come over on Saturday. She sat him down and told him that since he is hell bent on giving up his relationship with us then there was no point walking on eggshells around him any longer. She told him that she was hurt and disappointed by his behaviour. For him to believe that his mother was to be blamed for their family breaking up was unacceptable. Em said that if he feels his father cheating is acceptable and she should have gone back to him then she cannot see eye to eye with him. This is not word for word of the conversation. I am mostly paraphrasing.
She told him that I will not be making any contributions to his fund. Since he doesn’t think of me as family I have no obligations to add to his funds. And if he still feels that his fund is lacking then he should ask Dan to make up for the deficit. She also told him that he will not be getting direct access to his funds and that payments from the fund will be made directly to whatever college he attends. He was also made aware of what happens if he doesn’t go to college.
Emily also let him know that from now on, if he wishes not to come over to our place, he doesn’t have to. We discussed it with our lawyer. While Emily will not be giving up custody yet, she will not be enforcing that James stay with her as per the custody arrangements.
He silently listened to everything Em said. He didn’t leave his room that night and went back to Dan’s place on Sunday. We haven’t heard anything from him since then.
Comments
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Fun_Elephant_6393: Original Post and Update 1
I’ve been getting so many messages and comments that I haven’t been able to reply to them all. Emily and I are deeply grateful for all the kind words we have received and even the unkind ones have been insightful in their own way.
A lot of you asked how we did not know that Dan was brainwashing James against us. Its not that we didn’t know. We knew that some level of parental alienation was happening, hence why we repeatedly advocate for therapy, but we didn’t know to what extent. Like I said in a comment before, whenever we tried to talk to James, we would either throw a tantrum or simply sit like a stone and not say a word. Since therapy was denied repeatedly, we really couldn’t do much. The fact that Dan and filled James’ head with this kind of b*llsh*t, we really didn’t know. Last year, when James spewed his judgment on how Em was to blame for their family breaking up, is when we had our first inclination of how much James had been poisoned against us.
As for suing Dan for parental alienation, at this point, it doesn’t matter. James will turn 18 early next year and we have no proof of anything. We did not record the conversation we had with him and James is not a reliable witness. He would easily lie to protect his father.
Now, coming to the recent developments. After everything that James said, Emily was very shocked and devastated. For all those who said she should have told James that Dan was the problem not us and so many other things. Reality was that she said nothing because she couldn’t. Real life isn’t like some scene from a movie or series where characters have replies ready at the tip of their tongue. When your son spews this level of hate towards you, its hard to comprehend and respond with zingers.
That said, we have had time to think things over. And we have considered a lot of the advice that we got from here. Emily has decided that while she will continue to add to James’ fund till he turns 18, she will not be handing over the money to him. As per the advice given by many, she will be paying directly to the institution that James gets admission into. If he chooses not to go to college, then the money will be held back and given to him when he turns 25. In the hopefully very unlikely case of Emily passing before James turns 25 then our lawyer will be in charge of ensuring that James gets the money at the allotted time. This is to ensure that neither James nor Dan can blame me for meddling with the money.
Since our last conversation, James had not come home. He stayed at a friend’s place for a few days, then went back to his father’s place. Emily asked him to come over on Saturday. She sat him down and told him that since he is hell bent on giving up his relationship with us then there was no point walking on eggshells around him any longer. She told him that she was hurt and disappointed by his behaviour. For him to believe that his mother was to be blamed for their family breaking up was unacceptable. Em said that if he feels his father cheating is acceptable and she should have gone back to him then she cannot see eye to eye with him. This is not word for word of the conversation. I am mostly paraphrasing.
She told him that I will not be making any contributions to his fund. Since he doesn’t think of me as family I have no obligations to add to his funds. And if he still feels that his fund is lacking then he should ask Dan to make up for the deficit. She also told him that he will not be getting direct access to his funds and that payments from the fund will be made directly to whatever college he attends. He was also made aware of what happens if he doesn’t go to college.
Emily also let him know that from now on, if he wishes not to come over to our place, he doesn’t have to. We discussed it with our lawyer. While Emily will not be giving up custody yet, she will not be enforcing that James stay with her as per the custody arrangements.
He silently listened to everything Em said. He didn’t leave his room that night and went back to Dan’s place on Sunday. We haven’t heard anything from him since then.
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Why is anyone still giving this kid money…
This isn’t the end. Keep strong, I am sorry that your Stepson is a misogynistic little jerk and that Dan is a toxic POS.
Updateme!
I wouldn’t even bother giving the little turd THAT money TBH.
Why are y’all still supporting and paying for a kid that hates you?
I’m sure dear old dad is going to flip out when he realizes he’s not getting the funds.
Updateme
You all did better than I would have ever done. I don’t know what kind of emotional wreck I’d be in your wife’s place.
I don’t know if your son will ever see the light. I even to some extent pity him because his life is gonna be very hard with how toxic his father is, but he is nearly an adult and there is no changing his mind if he doesn’t want to.
I’d like to think this will make him see the hypocrisy of it all, so he will stop taking his mother for granted. But to be honest, I am sure right now his father is rubbing it in the wound how his mother “abandoned” him for his step-dad, how nothing is any of their fault, how you should be paying his college tuition even though that deadbeat isn’t contributing a penny, or how his mom is giving him space instead of driving the knife further in is proof she doesn’t love him.
I would like to think he will change his mind in the future, but he probably will just double down since the role model he chose to follow has taught him that being a jerk and a hypocrite is better than being guilty.
I hope you and your wife can move on and that it gets better. You did everything you possibly and legally could. This is not her fault and there is no case dwelling on what could have been done.
Go hug your wife. At the end of the day is good you have each other.
I don’t think this is over so I will be letting an ear here. Updateme.
What a heartbreaking situation. You and your wife are to be commended for your significant concern for James and your efforts to help and support him despite his feelings and behaviors. NTA’s. Best of luck to you all.
Karma has a very distinct way of balancing our the universe for people like her son and ex hubby.
Its not always kind and gentle, something her son would benefit from considering all the vile stuff he spewed.
Its time to let her little evil spawn go out into the world and experience just how equal the world really is to entitled little pricks like him.
Daddy really screwed him up, now as an almost adult he will have to find a way to manage.
I don’t believe this story but good
Plot
Updateme
James is old enough to know better. He has gone done the path of believing his deadbeat dad over everyone else, and now is facing the consequences.
That’s so sad. I would’ve paused any contributions to the fund but Emily is a better person than me. I suggest counseling so you both can grieve
UpdateMe!
Reality is gonna slap that little shit on the head when he eventually and inevitably realized that his dad is a lying POS. Unfortunately for him, he’s burning bridges left and right and unless he can give a real heartfelt apology and gets some damn therapy for his issues, I’d keep him distanced from your family.
Updateme
Updateme!
UpdateMe
I think you and your wife handed it perfectly and you told him exactly right. You are not wrong at all. Keep that money for the other kids and very smart for her to pay the university directly.
NTA I think the hard truth, space and not chasing after him might have the desired effect. But even if it doesn’t it provides your wife with the space to start her healing journey.
I’m so sorry to hear about the way James is treating his mother. I agree with others that your wife should reconsider giving any support at all if James doesn’t treat her with a minimum amount of respect.
Also, if James’s father takes your wife to court to have support or custody legally changed, she should use the funds set aside for James’s college to hire an attorney for the case.
Updateme
I dont usually recommend a do over baby, but i wouldnt judge you if you decided to have another/adopt
The decision sounds like the best one for the situation. I work in higher ed and tuition, fees, room and board add up. Depending on how much is in his fund and how much his dad is willing to kick in, the fund may be used up quickly. Best of luck.
Updateme
Updateme!
Good idea to pay directly and also at a certain time if he doesn’t use it.
You can tell his scum dad wants the money.
Tbh, I wouldnt give it to him with the way his behaving.
Truthfully, OP I hope you see this, but don’t give James the money at all. While you won’t give him it directly, he still has you up under his wing on his own account like mentioned in your last post James stated that he will get in contact with you all, but thats just not good enough when he has been so rude and arrogrant, why reward him with the money. Since he believes his dad is so great, tell him to have his dad pay for school and the rest of money might be given to him if your wife decides to reach out. As allowing him to reach out to me is not the best option with his sense of entitlement at the end of the day
Update me
Updateme