So many people have been asking to know how things went after I told my soon to be ex that I was filing for divorce. I finally have a minute to post after a very busy week. I ended up expediting the timeline a little as his behavior was starting to become concerning. Original and last update links below.
Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/eObp74NCgY
Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/sPWHZtiAJZ
Brief up to date: My husband asked for a polyamorous relationship. I said no. He badgered me about it and refused to give me space, then got mad when I refused to discuss it or sleep in the same bed with him while I was trying to calm down. His behavior gave me the ick so bad that I decided it was best to divorce and saw a lawyer to begin the process. My suspicions that there was already something going on were confirmed when the wife of a poly couple that he was “friends” with contacted me to tell me that he had been involved with them for a few months and had confessed that I didn’t know. They broke up with him as a result.
The call from the APs coincided with my ex trying very hard to apologize and make it right, but without admitting to cheating or anything else. A fellow resident was looking for a roommate, so I made plans to move in with her. I also let my parents and some close friends know the situation. My lawyer advised me to talk to my ex before papers were served, so I had planed to have the talk right before moving out. Which set up an uncomfortable situation in which I was living with a cheating ex who didn’t know I knew.
The plan was originally to move out next weekend, but things took a bad turn this week. My ex started getting agitated that I wasn’t responding to his attempts to smooth things over and that ultimately escalated into him trying to get into bed with me against my wishes on Thursday. I was able to get an emergency leave from work and mostly moved out while my ex was at work on Friday. My parents drove down and helped and then stayed to be nearby when my ex got home. My lawyer filed Friday.
He did not take it well. I told him I knew about the cheating and was filing for a divorce. I also told him that I wanted to do this quietly, that I know his bisexuality puts him in a dangerous situation with his family, and it would be best if we kept the story at he cheated. He could contact me through my lawyer for any information. He yelled, broke down crying, and said he refused to accept the divorce and I should give him a chance to fix things. My dad came in and made sure he didn’t try to stop me from leaving, and we left.
I called the in-laws on the way and told them that I was divorcing him for cheating and that I appreciated them welcoming me into their family and wished them all well, but I would probably not be in contact again. His parents were shocked but they reacted with a lot more grace than I expected. I blocked my ex on everything but email because I can’t deal with him. My parents had gotten an airbnb so I crashed with them and basically fell apart.
At this point I’m moved in. That part of my life is over. My ex is apparently suicidal, according to a mutual friend. I hope he gets help, because his behavior in the last few weeks has really been strange so I do wonder if he’s not experiencing some kind of mental health episode. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m done. I’m not ok, but I will be. Just going to focus on work and taking care of myself for a while.
This is probably my last update as I want to turn towards the future. Thank you to those who have offered support and advice. I really do appreciate it.
Comments
NTA. You handled this mess like a queen. His poor choices, not your problem anymore.
There is absolutely no doubt when a partner asks for a Poly or Open relationship, they definitely have fucked someone or they already have someone in mind to fuck.
Opening relationships is just their way of legalising their cheating.
Is this the final update lol
NTA, he wanted to play games and you ended the match. Actions have consequences. He made his choice and you made yours.
I wish you the best and everything will be fine!!
These are stories that make no sense what planet are you from.
Sorry for all that you’ve been through. You handled it well. Wishing you all the best for the future.
You handled it well but if anyone ask your advice in future , don’t meet in person with the ex. Anything can happen and not good
i remember your original post. My wife and I both know that the second we ask for a 3some/Poly/Open its game over. There would be zero discussion. Same goes for cheating. You are doing the right thing. That sucks he is suicidal and i hope gets the help he needs. Remember no matter the outcome that none of this is your fault .
I suggest therapy because it is hard after someone you love and trust does this to you. I had a gf of two years cheat and it helped a lot. So that i didn’t carry that baggage into my next relationship who ended up being my wife of 15 years. Stay strong OP.
Good for you.
You’ll see. It’ll all get better in the future.
You at least set a precedent that you won’t forgive cheating in the future.
It’s only reasonable. If anyone calls you selfish, that’s okay, everyone needs some level of selfishness in order to survive and be happy. So rest assured you chose well by yourself when he clearly didn’t care about what was best for you.
I know this is the last one. But I will leave this in case there are any happy updates in the future:
Updateme
Wishing you the very best. Updateme.
You WILL be okay, hon. My ex left me a mess 20 where about years prior with her lies,cheating, and abuse. I let it drag me down for more than a decade but then picked myself up and found a better life without. The scars remain but I’m stronger having them. You will be too.
What a prude.
lmao absolutely NTA. his cheating pathetic ass got why he deserved 🙂 and the fact that he wanted to cover up the cheating by asking to be polyamorous with you 💀💀
Good for you but I don’t like that it’s only bad if a man brings up an open relationship. If a woman does then she is just exploring herself. Women also have far more options.
Good luck op
Wow! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine the heartbreak you’re feeling. Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Please keep us updated. I hope your ex finds the help he needs because I’m the end no matter what he chooses, it’s not your fault. He made those choices and chose to ruin your marriage not you.
sounds like he fell for the poly couple but the only way to keep them was to bring you in. NTA
U
Honestly, I’d lowkey threaten him and say “if you don’t give me this divorce, I’m telling your parents you’re bisexual and that you cheated on me with another married man AND woman”, lmfao.
I think it’s great you listened to your instincts. IE the ick. The ick picked up on things subconsciously and you trusted it and protected yourself. Something I hope to teach my daughter. You’re going to do well in the future. Best of luck.
The best of luck moving forward!
Please look after yourself and stay safe. Watch your back because he sounds unhinged. You made a decision that was right for you and that should be respected. He should move on. If he’s apparently poly then he should be glad to be let go to seek his desires. It’s selfish to expect polyamory from someone who doesn’t desire it.
Good for you for making the decision to put yourself first. I wish you all the best for your future
I didn’t read the original story but my default position is if a spouse or partner suggests ENM in the middle of a monogamous relationships, they are already cheating or or they have someone and are on the way and are trying to legitimize the affair.
My feeling is the suggestion of it out of the blue like that means the relationship is over so I think you did the right thing here even if you didn’t get proof he had cheated.
I am curious why your lawyer thought it important that you tell him before serving papers? Seems like it just put you at risk
Good for you take care of yourself he’s a full grown adult and appears to be manipulative! No should have been the end is it
Good for you for doing this so decisively. (Even good for the couple when they discovered he’d lied to them too.)
Your responsibility for him has ended. Get yourself an STI panel.
Good luck. Sounds like you’ve got a great family to support you through this.
I wish you the best as you begin your new journey while healing from your past. You are hurting, but you’re a strong person because accepting the painful consequences of what your ex’s behavior did to your life, and moving on, is resilience. Blessings.
Good for you to move from him. You were in really dangerous situation. He did it to himself and he can only blame himself for his selfish actions. I hope you will be okay and he won’t bother you anymore. Best wishes to you, I hope this chapter will end soon.
His plan didn’t work and now he’s freaking out that everything didn’t end like he wanted, so that’s why he’s acting out now. He knows he blew up everything. Only he can help himself now. He must accept he cause this.