About 6 months ago I posted about my MIL threatening to sell her house after I snapped at her over comments she was making about my husband and his step mom after his father passed. A lot of you pointed out that she was using us for free labor and were totally right. I appreciate all the advice given and words of encouragement.
Now for the update – we hadn’t heard a peep from MIL at all these last months, until a week and a half ago. My husband and I were on a flight to Peru and she literally texted that she was on the way to our house. No call. No asking if we were free, just that she was already halfway through the 16 hour drive from her Arizona house to our place. We were on a layover at this point and both just stunned. My husband waited to respond until the next day because he was so upset and just said “We are in Peru” in a text to her, where she just responded that she figured we might be gone.
We talked it over that morning and stupidly agreed that we should “extend an olive branch” since she drove all that way and tell her she could stay at our place, stupidly thinking it would be a night or two. She said she would (didnt eve say thank you) since she had a long 24 hours and would be working on her house in Tekoa (apparently she never sold it, though im not surprised).
Since then (again about a week and a half ago) she is still at our house. We have cameras on our place so we can see who comes and who goes. She hasn’t left for more than an hour so we know she isn’t going to her Tekoa house since that’s an hour drive one way. She hasn’t said anything to us, not even to ask when we will be back. Our cat sitter is still coming by the house to clean litter boxes and feed our cats and mentioned to me that MIL switched the cat food – my husband immediately texted her and told her to switch it back since our cats are on special digestive-friendly food so they dont puke all over the place. She never responded to him but our cat sitter confirmed the food was switched back.
So at this point, I’m at a loss for what to do. I know she is still going to be there when we get back on Saturday and I’m absolutely fucking dreading it. We’ve had an exhausting (though very fun) trip of hiking and biking and I just want to relax before going back to work. But I’m also torn because I don’t want to be an asshole and tell her she needs to leave. My husband is in the same boat and we both know she’s probably going to try get us to work on her house again, and we both agreed there is no way in hell we will given how she’s acted, refused to apologize, and has taken advantage of us especially this last week and a half.
So, any advice on how I can politely tell her to leave before we get back? The last thing I want is to send a text that she will forward to my husband’s whole family to tell them how horrible we are for kicking her out. Not that he seems to worried by that, but he hasn’t had contact with any family on her side for months and it breaks my heart to see.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: About 6 months ago I posted about my MIL threatening to sell her house after I snapped at her over comments she was making about my husband and his step mom after his father passed. A lot of you pointed out that she was using us for free labor and were totally right. I appreciate all the advice given and words of encouragement.
Now for the update – we hadn’t heard a peep from MIL at all these last months, until a week and a half ago. My husband and I were on a flight to Peru and she literally texted that she was on the way to our house. No call. No asking if we were free, just that she was already halfway through the 16 hour drive from her Arizona house to our place. We were on a layover at this point and both just stunned. My husband waited to respond until the next day because he was so upset and just said “We are in Peru” in a text to her, where she just responded that she figured we might be gone.
We talked it over that morning and stupidly agreed that we should “extend an olive branch” since she drove all that way and tell her she could stay at our place, stupidly thinking it would be a night or two. She said she would (didnt eve say thank you) since she had a long 24 hours and would be working on her house in Tekoa (apparently she never sold it, though im not surprised).
Since then (again about a week and a half ago) she is still at our house. We have cameras on our place so we can see who comes and who goes. She hasn’t left for more than an hour so we know she isn’t going to her Tekoa house since that’s an hour drive one way. She hasn’t said anything to us, not even to ask when we will be back. Our cat sitter is still coming by the house to clean litter boxes and feed our cats and mentioned to me that MIL switched the cat food – my husband immediately texted her and told her to switch it back since our cats are on special digestive-friendly food so they dont puke all over the place. She never responded to him but our cat sitter confirmed the food was switched back.
So at this point, I’m at a loss for what to do. I know she is still going to be there when we get back on Saturday and I’m absolutely fucking dreading it. We’ve had an exhausting (though very fun) trip of hiking and biking and I just want to relax before going back to work. But I’m also torn because I don’t want to be an asshole and tell her she needs to leave. My husband is in the same boat and we both know she’s probably going to try get us to work on her house again, and we both agreed there is no way in hell we will given how she’s acted, refused to apologize, and has taken advantage of us especially this last week and a half.
So, any advice on how I can politely tell her to leave before we get back? The last thing I want is to send a text that she will forward to my husband’s whole family to tell them how horrible we are for kicking her out. Not that he seems to worried by that, but he hasn’t had contact with any family on her side for months and it breaks my heart to see.
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your husband need to send the text and not you
He need to tell her that you two need your space and that she has to be gone by X date.
Be firm.
I simply donât understand why people worry about offending people who behave badly.
Sheâs in your house, she came uninvited, and youâre worried about telling her she needs to be out by the time you get home?
Stop worrying about offending her and start doing what you need to do to protect your peace. I would tell her to vacate a day early, just so that youâre sure she leaves before you even fly home. Your cat sitter can confirm if itâs safe to come back.
If she doesnât leave before you get back, donât feel bad for throwing her out as soon as you walk in the door. At that point, she earned it.
Dude just tell her to get out.
And then donât engage. Donât negotiate. âYou need to leave now. You were not invited and you have overstayed the grace we did extend to you.â Thatâs it. Repeat as needed. No is a complete sentence, you donât owe her anything more.
Youâve tried nice. She doesnât care. If you are going to let her walk all over you, she will gladly continue to do so.
Why are you guys still in contact? Sheâs using you two right now and the only thing she brings to the table is that sheâs his last living parent, but by the way youâve written everything it seems like step mil is the only one to truly act like it
Yea you should call the police before she gets tenant rights. Don’t trust a word she said about not selling her house.
She might become a real problem
Stop being nice. Your husband needs to tell her that you’ll be back on X date, so she needs to be gone by then. If she asks why, be honest. You’re not going to be hosts after a draining trip, and since she hasn’t been doing any work on the house, she has no reason to be there at all.
Quite frankly, if you refuse to stand up for yourselves, then you deserve what you get. Dust off your spines. One uncomfortable text conversation is far more preferable than a leech occupying your house and demanding time and energy you don’t have in you to give. Or worse, to find that she’s established residency in your home in the meantime and won’t leave at all.
Keep it short and sweet.
Hey we will be back on XYZ please make sure you are moved out by then.
If that doesn’t work you may have to evict her legally with a notice and all.
This woman has been taking advantage of both of you because you do whatever she says and she doesn’t even have to say Thank you.
If you want to be polite, make sure you are also firm. The text must come from your Husband.
“Hi Mum. We will be back on ___ so pleases make sure you are out before then. “
She will be upset no matter how polite you are. Let her and ignore her.
Is she was anyone else, would you accept this behavior?
Iâd call the cops and have them do a civil standby as she is escorted off the premises for trespassing so there is an official record of her audacity but I believe in holding people accountable for treating my husband, my home, and myself like shit.
Well of course she hasnât sold the house yet, she wonât get top dollar for it until you two finish all the work. Seriously, why are you going out of your way to help someone who isnât even thankful for your hard labor? Now youâre going to have a bigger problem- getting her out of your house, because she isnât going to want to leave.
When she brings up working on the house, give her an itemized bill (if you are going to cave and complete the work). Make her pay for labor, supplies, and equipment.
If you are firm in not helping, give her a list of companies that will come out and finish the labor, and then tell her you aren’t helping anymore.
I would also change the locks and let her know she isn’t welcome to make herself at home in my house, when I’m not there.
You and your husband need to decide how to deal with her, stand firm, and set some boundaries.
He needs to tell her that you’ll be back Saturday so she’ll need to move to a hotel so you can prepare for work on Monday.Â
He needs to tell her that you’ll be back Saturday so she’ll need to move to a hotel so you can prepare for work on Monday.Â
Ask your catsitter to take the pets to her house and then book your house to be fumigated. Let MIL know that she’ll need to find somewhere else to be.
UpdateMe
Updateme
Tell her you were surprised that to learn that sheâs still in your house, as it was merely a stop over after a âlong 24 hrsâ and ask her what her intentions are?
I would not give any information about your plans or returning to work. She initiated this âvisitâ without any consultation or discussion after not talking for months.
She arrived at your house while you were away, availed of your hospitality over the âlong 24 hrsâ she had. But a week and a half later sheâs still there without asking or even informing you of her plans?
I would get hubby to ask her to explain the basics even, as a common courtesy.
Hello, as you are still using our house, what are your plans as we are due to return soon?
Your husband should be calling her to have this conversation by phone.
Donât tell her politely. Pick up her bag and set it out by her car. Your husband needs to tell his mother to go back to her own home.
AITA users love being stupid it’s crazy, so I guess this is a rage bait
Firstly, I think it would be better to call her than text so that you can make sure she clearly hears and understands what you have to say. Secondly, it really needs to be your husband who talks to her. Then just be decisive about what you need and back each other up completely on this. If you decide you want her gone then give her that deadline (let’s say the day after you get home). If she argues that she wants more time or wants you to work on her house she has no right to that as none of this was agreed with you beforehand. You are allowed to stand up for yourselves without feeling guilty if someone demands your help without actually asking for it.
Why are you worried about being polite? Why are you at a âlossâ?? CMON OP!!
Hereâs the wordsâŚGet out of my house.
If you never put down boundaries because you “don’t want to be an asshole” then you need to learn to accept that people who don’t care that they’re being assholes to you will be doing that forever. Either stop being people pleasing doormats, or stop whining about the consequences of being people pleasing doormats.
Your hubby needs to grow a spine and start solving his mother and stop pushing this responsibility to you.
Why on earth are you worried about what others have to say? If the family gets riled up at you booting her out or over you not being her unpaid decorators, tell them they can sort her mess out for her. Kick the miserable old bat out, and if you can, get the catsitter or someone you trust to supervise the locks being changed. She either wants you to decorate or she’s planning on moving in. Get her out. You and your husband are grown adults, you don’t have to bow down to a woman who bought a house unseen, who prioritised some paintwork over your terminally ill FIL’s needs, and who expects priority whilst not giving a toss about you. She’s come back around because she wants something. Get her out now or you’re going to be stuck with her.
Your husband (NOT YOU) needs to text her and tell her that you will be home on X date and since she has spent the last week and a half getting her house ready, he expects that she will not be there when you get home and will be fully moved into her home. He should also let her know that once you get settled home, you will invite her over for dinner to talk. But be very clear did you expect her to not be in your house when you get home.
She moved in to your house, you just donât know it yet.
She went NC because you said what you really thought. Do it again. Whereâs the loss ?
“Nice to see you MIL. It’s too bad you have to be on your way. Maybe next time with some advanced notice, we’ll actually be here for your visit. Have a safe trip home.”
You need to be direct with her. Just tell her that you’re exhausted and would like to come back to an empty house so you can decompress after traveling. If she wants to talk you can do it the next day or whenever. If she gives you shit just be firm with her. “We need to unwind and we don’t want to unbox what has gone on between us over the past few months right when we get back. Please give us some space”
Yeah, stop being freaking polite and a damn doormat and go NC. Like geez, what more does this woman need to do before you guys pull your heads out your butts smdh
At this point I think you either
A. Like the drama
B. Like being a victim
C. Love being a doormat
D. Love the attention you get from complaining about your crazy mother in law
E. Exaggerating and she’s really not this crazy
Because again, dear God, what more does this woman need to do for you to tell them to kick rocks.
Also, it’s annoying because you got a ton of good advice on your last post and you just straight up ignored it all which is like ok, so why are you back here asking for more advice you aren’t going to follow or do, it’s super weird đ¤ˇââď¸
She said she came to work on HER house but hasnât left YOUR house in the week she has been there? Yeah, she is waiting on her free work crew to join her. She is just on her own vacation in your house right now.
Make sure every minute of every day is thoroughly booked up from the moment you get there. Let her know that you are not available for ANYTHING.
This sounds like a you problem. You say it breaks your heart for him to not talk to his family, but how does he feel about it? You also mentioned that he wasnât worried about fallout from telling her to leave, so why are you so worried about it? Stop letting her stress you out.
I feel bad for your husband, losing his father so recently and having to come to terms with cutting off his mom. Gotta be done, though. This woman has not said a single apologetic word and will fully expect y’all to just keep working on her house for nothing. Bye girl.
Why haven’t you asked why she’s still there or ask her to leaveÂ
Updateme
Have your cat sitter change the locks to coded, where you can change and control them remotely. So if she does leave, you can lock her out (in case she decides to move in with you all full time and avoid squatting rights.)
@Updateme
This text needs to come from your husband. She is lying and manipulative!
I hope she listens.
Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love.
UpdateMe!
No itâs to late you shouldâve told her to turn back. Neither one of you have the spine to stand up to her.
Why is she in your home when you’re not there?
Call law enforcement and have her trespassed. If she stays too long, she will have residency rights and you’d be forced to legally evict her.
She’s literally squatting in your house.
My advice is to let your husband deal with his mom. Why does it seem to be on you? Is he unable to stand up to his mom?
This is going to end with an eviction notice. Sheâs moved in
Your husband needs to tell her immediately. You need to make sure she doesn’t steal or destroy anything or set your cat out of the house. She is going to do something vindictive. Make sure she doesn’t have a key.
UpdateMe
grow a spine jesus christ, this is embarrassing
NTA
She showed up unannounced, screwed with your cat’s diet, and has done NOTHING productive. Send her packing. Who starts driving HOURS AHEAD without confirmation that someone will be home? Who drives HOURS to someone’s house WITHOUT ASKING if they can come in the first place?!
This is a hill to die on due to lack of respect and boundaries.
updateme
I don’t know why you’re dreading it.
You’l lreturn and the first thing your HUSBAND tells her “You can show yourself out now. We’re back. “
Let her sputter let her whine let her go “but we’re faaaamily. where should i stay.”
Your husband needs to have a spine of steel here when he tells her “I don’t know. your home in Tekoa? Where you wanted to actually go before you just settled into our home without actually asking us? I will help you pack up.”
NTA she sounds very manipulative. The pair of you need to show a united front and tell her to leave. Iâd be fuming if my MIL behaved like that and so would my husband.
Utilise this time away to get all your boundaries in place for when you get back & you’re both set to have each others back. As my mum once said “you’ve made your bed you can lie in it”.
JustNoMIL
You should never have provided your mother-in-law a way to enter the property when you’re not there. Please recover the key immediately and have a relief once you take a ride to dinner. Pack all their stuff and walk her over to her other house
You guys are so weak. Stand up to this witch and get her out of your home!