Hi everyone, I posted parts of this update in the comments of my original post, but I thought it would be better to collect everything into one proper update so it’s clear and complete.
After reading the comments, my husband and I realized we hadn’t been as clear with our friend group as we should have been. So we wrote a respectful message in our group chat with everyone:
“Hi guys, first of all, we love you all. Just wanted to say we’re no longer participating in the group gift tradition. With our growing family and the new business, we’re trying to be more mindful with money. We’ll always celebrate you in our own way. Thanks for understanding.”
Most people responded kindly and said they completely understood. Then one couple reached out to us privately and told us they’re currently going through IVF. They said they’ve been feeling very uncomfortable with the pressure of the group gift tradition but didn’t want anyone to know what they were going through. They were afraid that if they opted out, people would ask questions. They were really relieved we spoke up.
We also spoke to everyone else individually. Aside from Tom, his girlfriend, and one other couple, everyone was glad to stop the expensive gift tradition. That one other couple preferred the group gifts because they found them more convenient, but they weren’t upset at all and didn’t cause any drama. They just said they’ll go along with whatever the group decides.
Tom and his girlfriend, though, didn’t take it so well. Yesterday, Tom texted my husband saying our message in the group chat felt passive-aggressive and like we were throwing shade at him. His girlfriend messaged me and said we should have just told her privately that “we don’t have the money” instead of announcing it in front of everyone. She was upset that now the tradition was over. I tried to keep it light and said, “No problem, my birthday’s coming up and I want a trip to Thailand for my whole family.” She didn’t respond.
To make sure there were no hard feelings, we also sent Tom €200 to cover our share of the food and drinks from his girlfriend’s birthday dinner.
Then today, we spoke with them again, and things got even more frustrating. They told us that our decision not to do any group gift, or any gift at all, for my husband’s birthday came off as condescending and inconsiderate, as if we’re “better than them” for not wanting gifts. Apparently, “it made life harder for everyone”. That was never our intention. We just genuinely didn’t want anything and were happy to host and celebrate without gifts.
As a group, we’ve now all agreed to go back to the old tradition: the birthday person hosts everyone. When we were younger, that usually meant breakfast, lunch, or dinner at home, nothing over the top. It felt more personal and less stressful, and everyone seems happier going back to that.
Lastly, my husband and I have decided to take a step back from Tom. This whole situation made it clear that a lot of people in the group feel like they can’t say anything around him without him getting offended. We’re not angry, just tired. We want to enjoy our friendships without walking on eggshells.
Thanks again to everyone who commented on the original post. You helped us see that we weren’t crazy for feeling the way we did. In the end, we think this reset was needed, for us and for the group.
INFO: We’re a group of 5 couples
Tl;dr – we chipped in for the meal, made ourselves clear, and (almost) everyone is happy.
Comments
Solid update. Honestly all this makes me wonder about Tom and his girlfriend’s financial situation, it sounds like they’re living beyond their means etc. If they were secure financially and not pressed either way I’m not sure why they’d take such offense to this? Unless they’re just image obsessed and materialistic, and enjoyed flaunting these gifts for status etc etc? Either way you and your hubby did great and I’m sure the larger group appreciates returning to a sense of normalcy, hopefully Tom and his girlfriend get over themselves soon
NTA
Good job.
His demands were outrageous. Next time, make a whatsapp group without him and if you still even want to deal with him, send him messages but not in a group.
This is why groups can be bad on whatsapp as nobody dares speak up in situations like this
Dude, that whole situation sounds like a mess. Honestly, you guys shouldn’t have given Tom the €200 after his reaction, but I get why you did. Good on you for standing your ground. Life’s too short for expensive mandatory gifts and drama. NTA, man. Enjoy the eggshell-free friendship space. 👍 Also, hopefully, that helps the other couple feeling the pressure but not speaking up. Good on you for breaking the ice on this discussion 🙌.
Great job. You were clear but kind, you owned your actions, you didn’t try to blame anyone or anything else.
Tom has his own problems and needs to grow up a bit. Taking space from him is a great idea.
I love the family trip to Thailand idea.
Tom and his GF just sound like they want fancy prezzies rather than an actual celebration with friends
you did everything right and still got dragged for not dropping thousands on a bag you didn’t ask for 😭 tom and his girl giving main character energy in someone else’s story pls
Yikes. Glad you’ve mostly worked everything else. I did suspect you wouldn’t be the only ones wanting to discontinue this kind of group gifts.
My friendship group does group gifts but it’s not like this. One of us is in charge of organising and each individual sends them the amount we are happy with, and we all try to suggest ideas. The organiser will select some of the ideas that fit the budget they have and ask us to confirm we are happy before purchasing.
We like it because it means we can afford some bigger ticket items than if we were purchasing separately, but we always try to reiterate to not send more than you can comfortably afford and there’s no obligation to contribute.
The high cost and implied compulsory nature that your friend group’s present method had is the big problem with it.
Getting together for brunch or BBQ with people you truly enjoy being around is “friendship”. Spending a sh*t ton of money to make a special occasions more “special” even if you are super rich sounds shallow, meaningless and burdensome. Good on you and your spouse for bringing the group back to what it really should be about- friendship.
Tom and his girlfriend are reacting this way because you’ve handled yourself with grace. They think you think you’re “better than them” because they’re aware that there’s no way to socially pressure you into participating without looking bad themselves.
Lives and priorities change, your other friends understand that.
Thanks for this update. I think your post to the group was the right choice — and I’m glad most everyone agrees.
Tom needs to get over himself. I love how your not wanting any gifts made you “better than them.” You know what? If they judge their friendships by their monetary value, maybe it does!