TLDR OG Post: mom has been no contact ~2yrs, but grandparents are begging me to be my mom’s rock after finding out her bf has a quickly progressing cancer. AITA- wanted to keep no contact.
Update- unfortunately mom’s boyfriend passed away only a few hours after my grandma sent the text about him not having many days left. I found out the next day via another family member. I did not hear from my grandma or mom after that text saying he was declining rapidly, until today (4 days after he passed) when my grandma showed up unannounced at my in-laws’ house in the middle of the night asking for me. My in-laws were obviously taken off guard since they have never met my grandma before and they were going to bed. My grandma asked if I was there (I am not, in fact I’m several states away), then when they said no she asked if it was the right residence (and butchered my SO’s last name even though she’s known his name for almost 6 years) and then after confirming told them that they needed to relay to me that my mother lost her best friend and the love of her life so I needed to contact my mom as soon as possible to be there for her. I understand this is extremely sad and my mom is going through a tough time, but I was planning on just sending flowers to the family for the funeral instead of showing face. AITA for not reaching out directly to her or my grandparents and not going to the funeral to support my mom?
Comments
OG Post
NTA at all grief doesn’t erase boundaries, and showing up uninvited to your in-laws’ house in the middle of the night is wildly inappropriate
Your grandparents need to support their child, after her losing “her best friend and the love of her life…”, without involving you.
They were supposed support and protect you when they saw that their child was failing at parenting – verbally and physically abusing you – their grandchild.
If they have not reached out in the previous 2 years of nc, doing so on behalf of your mother now is weirdly tone deaf and inappropriate.
Sending flowers is more than enough, given that they choose to not respect your boundaries by contacting you to tell you – not ask you- to support your mother.
You’re not obligated to end nc because of optics. Nothing has been done to acknowledge, take accountability and change the reason for nc in the first place.
This is not your pasture, therefore most definitely not your bull shit to deal with. They have each other.
NTA
This is a very strange situation. I feel like it might depend on why you’re no contact. Your grandma showing up there was very odd. Did you used to live there before? Why didn’t she just call?
I am getting odd vibes from your family, but I’m not sure what the story is. I feel like it’s hard to answer if you’re the AH because we don’t know your reasons why you’re not wanting to be there for mom.
Would you if you lost your hubby expect her to reach out, show up? I guess that’s gonna explain how separated you are.
There’s a lot of people who think you have to show up for family even if you’re not on good terms. I think there are some reasons why that can be untrue, is it going to harm you?
I wish you luck dealing with this.
Both your mother and your grandparents were abusive to you. Stick with NC. Flowers would be a nice gesture.
NTA