UPDATE: AITA for refusing my in-laws long term visits

Update to original post:
My in-laws will officially no longer be staying with us. Since my original post I started to notice things misplaced in mine and my husband’s room. I know it sounds crazy of me.. but she definitely brings it out of me.. I asked my husband if he is ok with it if I set up a camera in the room and arm is when him and myself are both gone. He agreed so I set it up.

I now have video footage of my MIL going in the room, rummaging through EVERYTHING thoroughly like she owns the place and everything in it. I also watched her steal some of my items out of our room.
When I got home from work I noticed she left a sweater in there while she was busy trying on my blouses and stealing one of them. I confronted her with it and she gave me some lame excuse after first pretending she didn’t know what it was. I then asked her bluntly if she has been rummaging through my room.

Of course she lied and then sent me very long text messages trying to guilt trip me and make me feel terrible for “accusing her of such things.” I won’t get into too much detail of the texts since it was basically a short novel, but to sum it up, it was saying how shocked she was at my accusations, how she’s basically the best person ever and would never do anything like that and how everyone loves her.. how I hurt her feelings.. etc..
The actual texts in full would blow your mind. It really goes to show how manipulative and good of a liar she is.

I did give her some opportunities over the next week after to come clean and be honest without forcing her to by showing the videos.. she didn’t, instead just trash me some more, so I showed her the videos in private and let her watch herself stealing. She still just kept repeating that she wasn’t stealing and had some other dumb excuses.

I have showed my husband as well and he no longer wants them to stay here in the future either. So I guess I never had to put my foot down, she basically banned herself from staying with us.

My husband has yet to talk to her about the videos.

Original post:
AITA for refusing my in-laws long term visits

I am a white (F) married to an Indian (M) both in our 30’s. While I understand in that culture it is common to have your parents come to stay with you for months every year when living abroad, but this situation feels crazy to me. In the last 4 years they have come 3 times, each time being longer than the last. This time around they are here for 4 months (the whole summer).

These are my issues with their visit and why I told my husband I can no longer handle them living in the house with us:
– personal hygiene and cleanliness are a huge issue. They don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom or before cooking or touching food.
– They don’t clean up after themselves, and if MIL sometimes washes dishes, she does a terrible job. I can still see her lip stick on the cups after she washes them.
– when FIL uses the bathroom, he pees all over the floor every single time. Sometimes a few spots on the floor, other times are full on puddles. They both wear sandals in the house and walk in it without realizing it and track it all over the house. I should note there are some health and balance issues with FIL, but he has too much pride to accept or use any type of medical devices/guards on the toilet to help him, or sit down to pee. I am usually the only one cleaning it up.
– they both never leave the house the whole day so there’s no privacy or space from them.
– MIL is quite rude and ignores me when I speak or just cuts me off anytime I try to talk. She plays it off innocent with my husband like she doesn’t realize she’s doing it and doesn’t mean to, but I don’t buy that.
– MIL will act very different when my husband isn’t around. All kinds of small things that add up, for example.. if I’m mopping the floors, she will walk over the spot I just finished mopping.
– They can be pretty destructive to our home and usually break quite a few things when they come, like cupboards and doors from slamming them too aggressive, not using exhaust fans when taking showers so mould grows, etc..
– They use mothballs back in their home in India. When they come here everything they bring WREAKS like mothballs and I have never ever been able to fully get the smell out of the room they stay in. Mothball fumes are highly toxic and we also have a cat. If they leave the door open, the smell goes through the rest of the house and stinks for hours.
– They show zero signs of empathy, remorse or any other feelings towards how they affect us or our home. It seems as though they genuinely don’t care about anyone but themself.
– MIL expects my husband to pay for EVERYTHING for them and shows no appreciation, not even a simple thank you.
– When my husband tries to talk to them about their behaviour, MIL sends him a massive text message guilt tripping us for having some type of living standards and boundaries. These messages will be things along the line of “we will just leave and never come back, I’ll just stay in India with little money in my bank account while you live your life here, even though it’s because of me you got to move in the first place”

I could write a novel with all of the specific moments that have happened in the last 3 visits. These have been ongoing issues everytime they come and it only gets worse.

I also can’t help but feel that MIL is very calculated and manipulative and knows exactly what she’s doing. I sometimes wonder if she’s trying to push me out.

So AITA for putting my foot down and refusing to allow these long term visits in the future? Even though she says she has no money, she was considering buying a second property in India, so I don’t believe that. I think they are fully capable of getting a short term rental when they come.

{UPDATE}. My husband sees the issue here and has spoken to them multiple times about these issues, they just never change or don’t care. I think he is just stuck in a tough place because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I spoke to him and told him bluntly how I feel and that I don’t want any future long term visits. He agrees with me, I just hope this doesn’t cause resentment one day and ruin our marriage. He’s amazing and it would be devastating to divorce over his parents.

Like I said, his mom is a master at guilt tripping and making him feel like a terrible person.