I didn’t expect so many people to weigh in last time, thank you for the mix of reality checks and support. I figured I should give an update because things… evolved.
A couple of days after the dinner, my boyfriend’s mom actually called me directly. At first, I thought she was going to tell me off, but instead she apologized for how the evening went. She said she had no idea I was being introduced as “Sarah” (it was his dad’s old friend who did that) and admitted she could see how the wall might feel a little excluding. But she also said that to her, the photo wall is like a “time capsule,” and she doesn’t like removing anyone from family history, even if relationships end.
We ended up having a surprisingly good conversation. She even invited me to bring over some photos of me and my boyfriend so she could add them to a new section of the collage without taking Sarah out, but making sure I’m represented too.
The bigger issue turned out to be my boyfriend. He was still upset that I brought it up at all, and we had a bit of a blowout. He said I should’ve known his mom is sentimental and that “not everything is about me.” I told him it’s not about erasing the past, I just want to feel like I’m part of the present. We’ve cooled down since then, but the conversation left me wondering if we see “family” the same way.
So… no, Sarah’s photos aren’t coming down. But there will be new ones with me in them. And maybe that’s a win?
Comments
So where’s the update?
Oh, wow. Poor form on your part. Of course you were starting drama. You owe her an apology.
That sounds like real progress finding a way to honor the past while making space for your present is a big step. Hopefully, you and your boyfriend can keep growing together through these conversations.
No offense but this isn’t a family I would want to be part of.
It would be one thing if Sarah was a dead girlfriend or wife. But no she is an ex. Time capsule is a load of bullshit of “I’m gonna always compare you to Sarah for the rest of my life”
I would leave. The family will be god awful to be part of and the boyfriend is not ready to move on from Sarah.
NTA
My ex’s family had pictures of his ex-girlfriend everywhere when we met. I was uncomfortable, but it was their home, so I kept my mouth shut. He, on the other hand, went off on his mother about it after a while. Apparently, he’d asked her to remove them for a long time, and she just wouldn’t until he refused to be in the house at all until they were gone. His argument hinged solely on how disrespectful it was. Next time we were there, every picture of his ex was gone, and ones including me started popping up. He was a pretty awful partner in a lot of ways, but that always stood out to me. He demanded that they respect me, so they did.
Sarah is not a member of their family, and hasn’t been for a long time, but she is front and centre. You are not. Because your boyfriend refuses to put you there. That is the real problem here. He doesn’t respect you enough to demand his family respect you. That is a good lesson to learn before you are too invested in this relationship. Your partner should prioritise you and ensure their family treats you right. He won’t. In fact, he will blame you for even wanting to be treated well. I would be running from a man like that. You deserve so much better.
I mean I kind of get keeping the photos. Not necessarily because of the time capsule thing, but you said these were holiday photos, matching clothes, effort given photos. If she was “part of the family”, mom may not actually have any photos of that special moment with the whole family with out her in them
I think this over all is good, and who knows if you keep making memories, someday the wall will run out of room and those would be the first to go
Meh. I’m kinda like his mom. I look at a photo and I don’t see people, I see all the events that happened in my life around the time that photo was taken. Difference is that I don’t put pictures of significant others on my walls unless they were included in a family event and we are all in the picture.
The only way a spouse/significant other makes it onto my wall is by procreating with my child. At that point, whether things go south or not, you’re stuck with me.
Why did she have pictures of Sarah but not of you? Why would you have to provide them? Isn’t that something she should ask her son.
Btw, your bf sucks. He is already dismissing your feeling.
I mean my partners mom dragged out all the photo albums including the one with him & his ex’s wedding the first 4 times I was at their house…. She was apparently offended on time number 4 when I said yeah, I’m not really interested in flipping through the wedding album for him and ex wife. She looked at me like I was crazy. Ma’am they have been divorced for over 10 years you need to get over it. I had only known him for about a year at that time, so you can’t even blame me for breaking them up 🤣🤦♀️
You have a BF problem. When both of you had your feelings hurt, he was angry with you because he blamed you for his mother being hurt. Was he angry with the person who called you by his ex’s name, and did he blame them or call them out for hurting your feelings? Did he acknowledge how hurtful it is to feel as though his family doesn’t accept you and is still holding on to his ex?
He chose her. He got mad at you and blamed you. Does he defend you normally? Does he ever take your side? If this is an aberration, you should see if you’re able to work through it together as partners. If not, he’s not the one.
I could see keeping one or two up but that’s it. If it was part of a large family photo, you don’t want to stop seeing everyone else it because of one person. But when my ex fiancé and I broke up, my parents took all the photos down, just like his parents did. (I had to go to his mom’s to pick something up, so I noticed it then.) My bigger concern for you is your BF. It would be one thing if you had demanded she take everything down, but you didn’t. Is he actually over his ex? Does he get overly mad about anything concerning his mom?
NTA
His mom is nice.
Him – not so much.
He’s not showing you care or love.
I’d not let a bf treat me like that.
Don’t give her the pics.
The relationship isn’t going to last unless you are a glutton for punishment.
NTA