Update : AITAH for not wanting to cancel

I’m not canceling. I’m keeping my plans. He can handle his parental responsibilities on his parental time.

Since I made up my mind and I’m not debating with myself, I’m understanding exactly why I was feeling so guilty. My first thought was, “I have plans; fuck him; it’s his time and his responsibility; let him figure it out” and I felt like my first thought should have been “Oh yay, I get to have more time with my kids.” And I felt guilty because I don’t want to spend time with them this weekend. I want to be away from them. And it feels wrong to want a break from being a mom. But it’s not.

It doesn’t mean I love them any less if I just really don’t want to be with them sometimes.

Funny that him being such a moron is making me do this much self reflection. And maybe I’ve been through too much therapy because I’m pretty much being my own therapist in my head. And I’m 99% sure that when I talk about this in therapy, she’s gonna say the exact same shit that I’m saying to myself.

And thank you to everyone who commented. I was letting the mom guilt and the idea of being the perfect, loving mom control me.

And I’m admitting something else to myself, too. I want him to fulfill all the requirements. I want him to fix his shit and become a good dad. I don’t want to have full custody. I want 50/50. And I don’t want it solely because it would be the best thing for the kids. I want it because I want some time to myself. I want want a break. I’m tired. I’m with my kids or at work almost 100% of the time. The little time I do have – every other weekend after work and one day a week during school hours – I’m cleaning the house or running errands. I can’t remember the last time I had time just for me. I can’t remember the last time I engaged in any of my hobbies or did something that benefited only me.

I need a break. And that’s ok. It doesn’t make me a shit mom. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids enough. And I’m not just a mom. I’m a person and I have wants that don’t revolve around my kids and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Thanks for attending my therapy session with myself. I’m gonna go do the dishes and clean the litter box and sweep the floor and avoid looking directly at the large pile of clean laundry that needs to be folded and then go to bed.

And I’m very excited for my weekend off. And I’m very excited to be with this guy. He’s seriously hot. Like, I’d give him a 9.5. Definitely the best looking guy I’ve ever been with. And he’s also someone I enjoy talking to. But no feelings. I’m not ready to do that shit again and I’m not sure I ever will be.