Buckle up! This is going to be a really long post, so I decided to post the update separately. My first post is here: Original Post
First up, thank you to all the people who shared their support and for the comments that eventually led to a lot things getting cleared up. I knew asking for advice on Reddit is a double-edged sword. While many of the comments were helpful and encouraged to me seek some much-needed answers, others were more divisive. But I knew what I was signing up for when I posted here, so I accept that as a part and parcel of the Reddit experience.
These past few days have been nothing short of a chaotic rollercoaster. So much has happened in such short time, but before I get into everything, I want to make one thing very clear: my gf and I love each other deeply. She is a genuinely good person. I know that my original post may have unintentionally portrayed her in a negative light. The truth is, while she has been incredibly naïve when it comes to her stooges and has often been easily manipulated by them, she has always stood up for me when it truly mattered. Her heart has always been in the right place.
She did say that I overreacted when I kicked out the guys from the wedding party and she was disappointed that all her three friends wouldn’t be a part of the wedding. But that wasn’t her only reaction. She also agreed that her friends had no right to come into our home and insult me. They had no right to make statements on her behalf about the jewelry, espeically since they were false statements. After I changed the groomsmen to my cousin and friend, she supported the decision and did not insist that I take her friends back.
After the incident, she hadn’t immediately reached out to the trio to talk to them about what they did. She is not a confrontational person. She is not someone who can counter-argue on the spot. So, usually when she knows there is going to be, let’s say, explosive conversation, she usually likes to write down points of what she wants to say. What she would say if XYZ what brought up this point. How would she respond if they said this to defend their action. Like that. She likes being prepared I guess is what I am trying to say. Especially with the trio, cause when such situations arise, she’s usually defending me and our relationship, and its always 3 against 1. I have tried in the past to help her, but I dislike (understatement) these guys enough that if I get involved in their conversations, it just always turns into a verbal spat and that just makes her more stressed.
Yes, she has missed several glaring red flags when it comes to her friends. But missing red flags does not automatically make someone a bad person. From her point of view, these people were the backbone of her social life. They have been in her life since childhood, and she has always seen them as supportive, protective, and caring. When you are that close to someone for that long, it can be extremely difficult to recognize toxicity. From the outside looking in, it might seem like she was being intentionally blind or refusing to accept reality. But when you’re the one trapped inside that bubble, it is a lot harder to see things clearly.
I had explained this in a comment on my previous post, but because people kept repeating the same questions, I thought it best to include it here again.
We have had open conversations about the gifts before. She also told me that she had shown her friends pictures of the jewelry and talked to them about the gifts. She never once said she didn’t want them or didn’t like them. They simply assumed she wouldn’t like them because they were not her usual style. But as it turned out, even that assumption was not innocent. We later found out that it was just another manipulation on their part.
Continued in comments
Comments
To those telling me to leave her and run, that is not going to happen. We are not breaking up. But the wedding has been postponed. And here is why.
A few of you pointed out something I had missed: that the non-cousin guy friend, let’s call him R, may have feelings for my gf. To be honest, I always saw the trio as a package deal and never really paid attention to their individual behaviors. But after reading so many of your comments, it stuck in my head. So I asked her directly if there had ever been anything romantic between them. At first, she laughed it off. But when she saw I was being serious, she told me that yes, years ago, right after she had broken up with her high school bf and was about to leave for college, R had asked her out. All four of them ended up going to different colleges. She had no romantic feelings for him and said no. She saw him more like a brother. He was upset about it at the time and did not speak to her for a few months, but eventually came around. Since then, he never brought it up again, and she assumed it was just a passing crush and he had moved on.
We talked in detail about her past relationships. She has dated three guys before me, not counting her high school bf. None of those relationships were long term. The longest one lasted around seven months and took place while she was working abroad on a project. That relationship ended amicably when she returned home. The trio never met him. The other two relationships lasted barely two months, perhaps even less. She told me that in both cases, she genuinely believed things were looking promising and then suddenly, they just stopped replying to her texts and calls. They ghosted her completely. She said it made her feel unwanted and undesirable. And the trio was always there to “help” her get over the heartbreaks.
She told me that after the breakup with her high school bf and the guy from abroad, she still felt confident in herself. But after getting ghosted twice in a row, she lost a lot of her self-esteem. She said that her reluctance to talk about her past relationship were because she thought that if she told me what happened, I would see the same flaws/problems in her that they did and ghost her too.
That explained so much about how she behaved early in our relationship. When we first started dating, she was very meek. That is probably the best word for it. She has always been soft-spoken, but back then it felt like she was afraid to be too much or too little. It took her time to feel safe and relaxed, but when she did, she was a completely different person. Warm, funny, and so much more herself.
Interestingly, she did not introduce me to the trio (as her bf, I had met all four before through mutual friends) until we had been dating for a while. I had met her parents before I was formally re-introduced to them as her bf. She told me she wanted to be really sure about me before bringing me into their circle. She was afraid that if things did not work out, she would end up relying on them again to help her through another heartbreak.
She admitted she never tried to find out why the guys ghosted her because she was afraid they might say something cruel and humiliating that would end up damaging her self-confidence even more. But one of those exes turned out to be an acquaintance of a friend from my workplace. I know I said I didn’t want to snoop, but after everything I had read and the doubts growing in my head, I needed answers. I reached out to him and asked if he would be willing to meet. He agreed. Right at the start, I told him I held no ill will toward him. I just wanted to understand. What he told me was beyond anything I expected.
Dang. Fuck those 3 completely. If they’re spreading lies about you being abusive you could sent a c+d letter from lawyers (assuming you’ve got the cash available) or get your gf to publicly state why she ditched them?
They’re defaming you and your partner – get dirty.
Wow! Im so sorry your fiancé’s friends turned ot to be so evil. Stand strong & good luck to both of you. Updateme
Jeeezzus! I wouldn’t wish these “friends” for even my worst enemy.
Never let these people back in. And this was honestly the only option you have. Support your wife while she grieves the loss of her friends (not that they were). You two will be fine with communication.
YTA for jumping the shark and ruining a totally believable story with so much BS. C’mon man, you shouldve quite while you were ahead. Thats not how you tell a believable story.
Sure, this happened…
Cool story, bro…
YTA
All of this in 3 days??
Holy crap. They have been abusing her for years. Glad you are both going for counseling. I hope her recovery is much shorter. I really admire the way you handled this, especially your support and consideration for your fiance.
NTA, if it still needs to be said.