So, a few days after finding out my friend is pregnant and isn’t planning on telling the father (her ex) my husband comes home from work.
“friends sister came into work today, she asked what we’d be passing on to friend baby wise so that she knew what not to get for gifts… Did you know she was pregnant?”
I told him she’d told me a few days earlier and I was going to tell him after her NIPT results were back (I was planning on letting friend know I was going to tell my husband even though she never actually asked me not to. She actually never asked me not to say anything to anyone but I’m sure it was silently implied).
I hadn’t even really finished saying that I knew when he says “It’s exes isn’t it? He told me they hooked up at mutual friends party last month. Does HE know?”
So, I told him all I knew and what I had told friend. He looked at our daughter and said “He’s going to find out eventually, if not from her I feel it should come from a friend at least so he knows we haven’t all lied to him.”
I said I was staying out of if for now, planning on waiting until friend and I met up again (she has been happily txting me letting me know when scans are etc like nothing happend) and talking with her again asking why she feels the way she does, talking more logistical than moral, but at the end of the day I will respect her decision if it’s final but let her know that it islikely a bad one.
If she didnt want to talk then I was going to leave it at that but let her know if there are any bad situations that arise from this I am staying out of it entirely.
I said it was up to him what he wanted to do for ex.
He said he figures if friends sister is happily chatting away it can’t be that big of a secret and he’s going to mention it next time him and ex talk.
He said he probably won’t outright say he knows he’s the father as he figures ex will realise pretty damn quickly. He also said that if sides are to be chosen, he would pick ex 100%.
I said if it comes to any battles, I’m focusing on my own peace and family. I’m happy to pass on outgrown baby clothes and items to help friend out but otherwise I’m out.
P.S: for all those concerned that I was endangering my marriage by not telling my husband straight away… I’ve been with the man for almost 14 years, and known him for 20 (childhood sweethearts) I know how he thinks and feels. I did tell him that I made a reddit post and people were concerned and he said if this was a marriage breaking secret, one that has no affect on him at all, he can’t imagine what other basic shit people break up over and surely it must be fragile to begin with.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/NoHorse8196: Original post here
So, a few days after finding out my friend is pregnant and isn’t planning on telling the father (her ex) my husband comes home from work.
“friends sister came into work today, she asked what we’d be passing on to friend baby wise so that she knew what not to get for gifts… Did you know she was pregnant?”
I told him she’d told me a few days earlier and I was going to tell him after her NIPT results were back (I was planning on letting friend know I was going to tell my husband even though she never actually asked me not to. She actually never asked me not to say anything to anyone but I’m sure it was silently implied).
I hadn’t even really finished saying that I knew when he says “It’s exes isn’t it? He told me they hooked up at mutual friends party last month. Does HE know?”
So, I told him all I knew and what I had told friend. He looked at our daughter and said “He’s going to find out eventually, if not from her I feel it should come from a friend at least so he knows we haven’t all lied to him.”
I said I was staying out of if for now, planning on waiting until friend and I met up again (she has been happily txting me letting me know when scans are etc like nothing happend) and talking with her again asking why she feels the way she does, talking more logistical than moral, but at the end of the day I will respect her decision if it’s final but let her know that it islikely a bad one.
If she didnt want to talk then I was going to leave it at that but let her know if there are any bad situations that arise from this I am staying out of it entirely.
I said it was up to him what he wanted to do for ex.
He said he figures if friends sister is happily chatting away it can’t be that big of a secret and he’s going to mention it next time him and ex talk.
He said he probably won’t outright say he knows he’s the father as he figures ex will realise pretty damn quickly. He also said that if sides are to be chosen, he would pick ex 100%.
I said if it comes to any battles, I’m focusing on my own peace and family. I’m happy to pass on outgrown baby clothes and items to help friend out but otherwise I’m out.
P.S: for all those concerned that I was endangering my marriage by not telling my husband straight away… I’ve been with the man for almost 14 years, and known him for 20 (childhood sweethearts) I know how he thinks and feels. I did tell him that I made a reddit post and people were concerned and he said if this was a marriage breaking secret, one that has no affect on him at all, he can’t imagine what other basic shit people break up over and surely it must be fragile to begin with.
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I still think this should be a nobrainer decision to tell the ex. Her body and her choice ends when she decides to keep the child as the child is not just hers. It’s hers and her partners. And the kid deserves to have both parents even if they aren’t together.
From your first post it seems like the relationship wasn’t bad, wasn’t abusive or dramatic, the ex is not a POS. So he deserves to know. I could understand hiding the pregnancy from abusive father, but your friend is just selfish and doesn’t think about the good of the kid at all.
To all the men of reddit: can you guys imagine finding out after 5 or 10 years that you had a kid and you didn’t know only because your ex decided she doesn’t need you or that your kid doesn’t need a father?
It’s morally despicable. And it shows more about your friend than the ex.
Well it’s clear everyone took the woman’s side in the divorce.
ESH for not telling the ex.
And I hope the ex finds some real friends. If he is as nice as you make him sound y’all don’t deserve him as a friend.
NTA. I think you wouldn’t be the ah whatever you decide to do to be honest. She should tell her ex for sure and she is an ah, and if your husband decides to do so because he has more loyalty to him then that’s up to him and he wouldn’t be an ah for it, but yeah if you are her friend then it’s not your place to tell him. Your pregnant friend has put you in a shitty situation tbh.
Also I’m glad you aren’t the kind of woman who thinks being honest means you have to tell your husband absolutely everything straight away or the marriage is over. I had a health issue which was deeply personal and affected nobody else, told two of my close friends and one of them decided to tell her husband because they share absolutely everything. I was so mortified when I went to their house and he asked me if I was ok and asked me some super personal questions about it, I barely tell her anything personal anymore.
You are all pretty despicable people. The poor ex is innocent here. None of you have actual morals and maybe want to reflect on that, especially in respect to raising your children.
It seems like your friend is doing nothing to keep this pregnancy a secret, so she’s either an idiot or she’s a coward. Her ex is going to find out soon enough, your husband is right that it should come from a friend if it’s not coming from her directly.