Hi everyone! So I have an update to share. Im not sure how to link my og post but yeah.
Thank you all for your kind words and support and those who genuinely gave me advice, it means a lot as I try and navigate the situation.
My husband sent a really heartfelt apology. He sent screenshots from a background check Showing MIL’s BF isn’t meant to be near kids due to smth he did in the past. I started sobbing because I feel like I’ve failed them as a parent letting them be near someone like that. I know nothing happened but the fact that there was an opportunity to, I feel like such a shitty mom. This guy watched my son get bathed, I feel so grossed out and I want to slap the BF and MIL!
As a kid I was actually SA’d so I know the signs, hence why my guard was up. I think my husband just thought he was a old guy with a bad concept of boundaries who was trying to be nice.
I told my husband that I need time to process everything because he chose someone else over me and his kids and that was so hurtful. I was trying to tell him smth was wrong and he ignored it. I told him he needs therapy to work on his own issues and learn how to recognize things that are wrong before we can even consider moving back in together. I also told him that I won’t be keeping him away from the kids at this time, but it must be at my house with me or in a 3rd party location. I told him I won’t be bringing legal into this unless he wants me to but I have enough evidence where I’d likely be getting full custody with supervised visits anyway.
He said his mom was manipulating him and he’s moving in with a friend instead of her and we can see how it goes from there. I asked him to return his house key temporarily. He gave over his house key to my brother, and me and the kids are moving back in on Saturday.
Im stuck in this space where I don’t know to trust him or leave and tell myself that this was unforgivable. As long as he fixes himself and MIL is out of the picture we should be good I’m thinking. I know he’s genuinely a good father and if he gets over his mamas boy routine it could work out I’m just still kinda hurt.
I will be looking into family lawyers, attorneys and things like that in case something like this happens in the future I can have someone to go to immediately start the custody and divorce process. I will also look into couples counseling down the line for both of us. We’ve been together 10 years and I don’t want to ruin it but I need to know we can trust each other.
Comments
Honestly, I admire how clearly you laid out your boundaries and expectations. If he wants to make this work, he needs to prove it with consistent actions, not just words. You’re doing the right thing by considering legal and emotional support just in case.
You did the right things for your children.
I think if you guys do work it out, you need to move further away from mil.
How scary! You are an amazing mother for prioritizing your children and fighting for them like you did.
You did good mama bear.
It’s a good start that your husband actually did a background check on the bf and has realised he was wrong in being on his mum’s side. However he said some horrible things to you and called your kids horrible names so he need to address that.
Therapy for him is a must. Hard boundaries will need to be set between you/him and him/his mum.
You are absolutely doing the right thing getting legal advice and being prepared.
Good luck with your journey.
He 100% needs therapy and it is a good idea to do couples counseling. I do suggest setting outside security cameras. And has mil ever had access to a spare key to the house? You may want to change the locks just in case.
Proud of you for standing up for you kids. I hope you husband gets his head out of his ass and kicks his mother to the curb. This need to be a no contact with her. She is not right and put your kids in danger.
I would change the LOCKS on the house. His mother has a key to the house. who knows who else has a key. Get Cameras that link to you cell phone the give you notice who when someone comes around.
You husband made a HUGE MISTAKE. Sure that was his mom, He should have know better and how she acts and how bad she was and the guys she dated. What a dumb ass he put is kids in major danger. It will be hard to trust him again.
Husband has a lot of work to do to build respect and trust with you again. But never let your guard down with him. And never let you mother in law around you kids again NEVER. Not even for a visit.
NTA in the slightest for any of the reactions on your side. Him taking the action to do the background check (even if for malicious reasons to prove you wrong or something) means he’s not hopeless, but definitely have options ready.
Still NTA. The man has clearly shown that mother has his ear, not you. How long before she says to him that it was one mistake and she should be forgiven? Will he go behind your back again? Had he apologised to your children for putting them in that situation? Ten years is a long time, but how often in those ten years have you come second to his mother? Has he had your back for those years except for now or is this a pattern? Really gonna have to prove himself. You’ve done good by your kids. You didn’t want them there, you made the boundary clear. Everyone else crossed it and put those kids at risk. Don’t worry about your own parenting. It sounds solid to me. Just stick by what you’ve said.
Updateme
The way he was willing to throw his whole family away and insulted you and your son, I am not sure it could easily be forgotten without a lot of work and therapy on each of your sides. That was a soul cutting wound. He can’t just say sorry and move on, he put his own mother over his child.
Change the locks- you don’t know if he or MIL or MIL’s boyfriend made a copy. Get a doorbell camera and a camera for general living space. Make couples counseling a condition of any possible reconciliation.
Hi! Since the boyfriend was in the house, i would check if there is hidden cameras somewhere.
You did more than good for your kids. Keep up the good work!
I would only suggest maybe counselling to see if you feel comfortable with the results and if he will listen and stand by you on other important issues. updateme
I’m glad you got validation and vindication, but I’m sorry that you all had to go through this. I hope you all find some kind of peace sooner rather than later.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that your past trauma was triggered. His apology is the bare minimum. He needs to do the work in therapy to understand why he dismissed your valid concerns and put his mother’s feelings over the safety of his own children. Don’t rush back; let his actions prove he’s changed.
I’m stuck on him calling his own children asshats. I know that’s not the most important part.
Husband is still a broken human. Do not trust him with the children.
I’m glad you and the children are safe. Why was that man present when your son was bathing? Your MIL is super weird. I am disgusted by her and your husband 100% needs therapy and go to couples counseling.
I’m glad you made the noise you did and made sure your children are safe.
You’re taking the right steps. Consider if your son needs to speak to a therapist.
Updateme
You did great but change your locks. It doesn’t matter if he gave you the key. I’m sure his mother made copies.
Make sure you back up all the evidence you have so that he can’t just go into your phone and delete it.
Check with your lawyer if MIL’s boyfriend should be reported for being around children. Don’t give your husband or MIL any warning about it if your lawyer says it matters, just do it. You don’t want to give them a chance to come up with a story.
If the guy is violating the terms of his release, he should go back to prison.
You know this is honestly the first time I say this in Reddit. Because usually I think the OP’s are in a extreme denial
If you wanna give him a chance, do it. You know your gut was right, you know there’s stuff you can’t trust him at all right now with, but you also saw what to you are honest attempts to fix things (at least now he’s doing em), and most importantly in my opinion you have the control in this situation now with all the evidence and the precautions you are taking.
What I mean to say is, sure there is risk of more heartbreak if he fucks up again. But at least with the way the situation is developing, your kids and you are safe and seen.
Which means you have the option to cut this at the first sign
Or you could tell him to kick rocks too, I know I would cause trust to me is impossible to get back once lost, I just don’t do that.
But I’m not you, and this isn’t my husband, this is your life so to hell with anyone that wants to tell you when it’s too much, you get to decide that.