I do appreciate the feedback and differing perspectives, i did speak with my SIL with my wife and to say the least it was enlightening. I did ask my SIL why the sudden urge to install cameras, as she told my wife she said it was for safety purposes since you never know. My wife did push back and asked her ro elaborate as to what she meant. My SIL tried to avoid answering directly but my wife kept pushing and finally she did admit she was nor comfortable with me changing her daughter unsupervised. At this point I asked my SIL if she truly felt I would harm her daughter she honestly shrugged her shoulders.
This annoyed me but it did piss off my wife. My wife once again pushed the issue and it turns out my SIL was never comfortable with me watching her daughter and felt betrayed by my wife because she changed up an arrangement that worked. She said I was far to eager to change my work schedule to take over Fridays it came off as insistent. I told her yes I was insistent because I did not want my wife to give up on an opportunity because she felt beholden to an arrangement she made with her.
After that exchange I told my SIL I would no longer take her daughter to daycare. This happened on Wednesday she took off last Friday. So long story short she never wanted me ro watch her daughter unsupervised, found it strange how eager I was to rearrange my Fridays to be with my niece. My wife’s family is thinks i am being weird and creepy.
My wife had one last final conversation with her sister on Friday and apparently it got ugly since my SIL did call to apologize and I did appreciate that but I told either you trust me or you don’t. Since she does not I did recommend me finds someone that she does trust so she can be at ease. She tried to give me a sob story how we are being unfair towards her, all she was trying to do was keep her daughter safe. I told her best way for her to do that was to find someone else shd trusts to handle Fridays or change her job schedule.
I was going to originally offer as some suggested she brings her daughter to us before she heads to work, but after the conversation I decided it was best for everyone I took a stepback. I don’t know what will come of this in terms of the family since most think I am being unreasonable, but my wife and I agree that if she is not comfortable with me it is not our duty to make her comfortable.
Thanks again.
Comments
NTA and your SIL is a piece of shit. I’d actually go low contact if she was my SIL.
Tough situation, but you did what you had to protect yourself. It will be tough and her sister might be resentful but as your SIL basically said “better safe than sorry”.
NTA she basically said she thinks you’re a creep but still expected you to do her a favor. You set a boundary after being disrespected and somehow you’re the weird one? Nah if she doesn’t trust you, she can find someone else and deal with the consequences.
No you’re not. Your comfort matters too, especially if surveillance makes you feel distrusted or uneasy.
It’s a little petty but it’s also deserved.
I don’t know what else to say.
Good for you and your wife. She stuck up for you and you are holding your boundaries. This is on SIL to fix the dynamic. If she doesn’t trust you then you never need to be involved with helping care for her kids. She is an adult and can figure her shit out herself.
NTA, this is uh daunting situation… you’re justified in feeling disrespected. The SIL should either trust or huh get someone else, it’s really that simple. Your decision’s a testament to protecting yourself. Let’s remember, the onus… is on her to make things right.
NTA, damn. I am baffled that your SIL could be… I don’t know! Insane enough to install cameras just to undermine you? As a mom in Seattle with two kiddos, trust is sooo vital when it comes to caregiving. Maybe this lack of trust thing might do more harm than good in her own relationships with your family?
NTA, any family telling you anything let them know the real reason don’t “hide” her real feelings cuz it just hurts you long term so be upfront and tell them that she doesn’t trust you and feels your do horrid things to her daughter so therefore for your own safety and her peace of mind you won’t do any such stuff for her.
NTA at all. This could have cost you your freedom. Best to get out of there as fast as possible.
You did the right thing, I would never be alone with her kid again
NTA!!! Never step into a home you aren’t welcome in. She doesn’t trust you enough to be around her daughter without cameras, and being accused of being creepy by the rest of the family just seals the deal. I can’t imagine the hurt you feel at those accusations. I’m glad your wife has your back.
Sil is a terrible mother if she thinks you’re a potential danger and still wants you to watch her kid. Periodt.
Wow! You may have avoided a huge headache later.
UpdateMe
So your not safe but she still needs your help?! She’s making drama where there was none.
Oh, good for you for standing up for yourself and your wife. I think you made the right choice.
She thinks it’s possible you would molest her daughter..what other fucking reason do you need to put miles between you and her before an accusation is made against you.
If your wife’s family thinks you’re being “weird and creepy”, all the more reason to avoid all contact with them.
NTA I cannot believe they think you’re a pedo. I would cut contact with her whole family if that’s how they viewed me.
NTA
NTA.. and your SIL and in-laws are people you need to keep far Far FAR away from you.
And, I can’t stress this enough.. I would never, ever, under any circumstance (and I do mean ANY circumstance) have your niece over at your home.. And if your wife is guilted into it.. stay away from the house.
As in, stay in a hotel and make sure that that side of the family is aware that they have made you so uncomfortable that you can’t be in your own home.
If any one of them has 4 brain cells to rub together they’ll realize you’re being over the top and maybe self-reflect.. although I doubt it
Yeah at this point you should just go LC because if anyone is agreeing with her they are insane. She wants favours but only if she can monitor you on camera? I’d say no to that. You can ask that of someone you’re paying, and they can choose to accept it or not. Hidden cameras on your own family members is something else especially when you aren’t paying them.
NTA. You and your wife were doing her a massive favor and instead of being grateful, she acted entitled to your wife’s time and implied that you were a pedophile. There is no coming back from that.
I’d go very low contact for a minimum of 2.5 years.
NTA. You have a responsibility to protect yourself from liability of unfounded accusations of potential child abuse.
I also would not want to remain in contact with someone who would make such accusations.
>all she was trying to do was keep her daughter safe.
Hidden cameras wouldn’t keep her daughter safe through. If her worries were true, those cameras would only provide evidence AFTER her daughter would have been hurt. Sure it would also allow her to know if something bad was going on as soon as it happened but still, something would have to happen first.
If you think someone could be a danger to your child, you don’t let them take care of say child.
OP made the right decision.
NTA, Your SIL and in-laws really bug me. I have nieces through marriage that we watched when they were younger and sometimes had to change diapers. We even laughed about how the oldest would squirm like crazy. Never did my in-laws question me or make me feel uncomfortable like these folks have. Your wife is a keeper but the rest of the family sucks.
I am so sorry that your sil is such a piece of shit. You are absolutely right to back away from this. She basically told you that she believes you are capable of being a pedophile. I would never again ever be alone with one of her children.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. So your SIL had talked her family about you being too eager and now they think you’re a creep??? You backed out and now you aren’t being reasonable?! Jesus! You needed to get out of this situation for YOUR safety.
Bro you handled it way better than a lot of people would’ve. You gave her the benefit of the doubt, had a calm convo, and dipped when it was clear she wasn’t comfortable. That’s fair game.
Your wife is an ace, OP. You’re NTA. Your SIL can just go away, and take the rest of that family with her. They have more old issues than National Geographic.
Updateme
Nta i wouldn’t go near your sil or niece alone for a long time. Shes going to set you up
I’m a parent to an autistic daughter. I know stateside my kid is much (MUCH) more likely to be a victim than her non disabled peers. And i know why.
I think i could understand a little bit if they had cameras for Everyone, but if they have one person they think is being creepy, you just don’t do that.
I have a list of family members that does include a “this person can only come in my house after i lock up valuables and meds” and a”this person would never be left in CHARGE of my kid, but can be around her” but there’s also a (thankfully short. But unfortunately exists) “this person will never meet my kid” list.
The parent is responsible for making and enforcing that list.
Also, if op was a creep, a camera doest STOP him, it just let’s you know after… as a parent, that’s not good enough if you TRULY don’t trust someone
but my wife and I agree that if she is not comfortable with me it is not our duty to make her comfortable.
yup! and where does she get off with “we are being unfair towards her”?
nta
NTA tell any of your family that’s pushing back that they can volunteer to watch her daughter instead.
NTA Fcuck your sister in law. I wouldn’t help her with anything from now on.
the quiet quiting begin.
before long your SIL will cry because your niece never see her family.
You and your wife did it right by confronting her. You also have some self respect.
Let her manage on her own and find someone she trusts. You are lucky your wife has your back and if I faced this issue I would go NC on the SIL and the family which does not trusts me. You are married to one the daughters of their house.
NTA and frankly I’d go LC with that entire family for thinking you’re a creep when all you were trying to do was help them out. They can figure their shit out now without you or your wife. Avoid being around them or their kids from now on. They’re psycho.
NTA.
Your SIL was projecting her malicious thinking onto you. She’s never going to stop thinking maliciously, so best to keep yourself safe from some future false accusation.
Still NTA and thank goodness your wife has your back. Frankly, since the entire family thinks your creepy, I’d be noping the fuck outta there. The wife can go see her family, but I’d never pass the threshold again if they thought I was some potential child molester. That’s some fucked up shit right there.