You can see the original post for context and previous messages here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1lwf607/aitah_my_grandpas_wife_wants_to_talk_to_me/
I added the translation of the messages that were sent after this here: https://imgur.com/a/b1HnZju (sorry for the length omg)(this sub doesn’t let me upload pictures directly here, sorry). The first message was sent by me (because I wanted to set a firmer boundary) and then two messages by my grandpa. I only received them yesterday night and I haven’t fully processed any of it, so I am in no state to respond – and advice is super welcome. I did talk to my girlfriend about it so that I could vent, and here are a few thoughts I have about it:
– My grandpa “didn’t want to be involved”, yet 1) the message was sent in a groupschat that he’s a part of 2) my dad is HIS son (not his wife’s) and 3) he spent at least 1.5 hours typing all of this – which is a lot of effort for someone who wants to be left out of this “nonsense” (their words)
– He spent a lot of time being offended about how I “talked to his wife”, claiming that he thought I “knew them better” and that I should have known how she meant what she said. This made me so pissed right off the bat because if you read the original messages, it was his wife who approached me without an ounce of respect and I think my initial response to her was WAY calmer and more polite than she deserved; the second one even more so. I hate it when people attack your tone/response to something THEY did wrong.
– I apparently should have also just known that the “intervention” was not initiated by them, but it was discussed with my parents first. He spent a lot of time being offended about this as well, because how could I have thought they would “just” insert themselves?!?! 1) ehm…..maybe MENTION you talked to my parents and discussed this? 2) I’m sure they didn’t hold a g*n to your head, like c’mon you could have used some critical thinking and come to the conclusion it was NOT a good/appropriate idea to get involved and 3) I think I have been very clear in emphasising that it was about the WAY they approached this (lacking respect, compassion, etc).
– Another thing that apparently offended/hurt them (are you guys also noticing the pattern of playing the victim, or…?) is the fact that it’s “so hard for them to be between a son and a granddaughter that are not on good terms”. Ok boohoo, if it’s already so hard for you, then imagine how hard it is for me and maybe put your own feelings aside for a bit?
– The point that he was trying to make is that my parents “don’t understand why I chose to go no contact” and they “don’t know what they have to do to make it right” and they are basically saying that that’s why the ball is in my court – because I owe it to them to communicate this/explain myself. Now this is the part that REALLY drove me absolutely nuts because yeah, if you put it like that, I can understand why someone might be on their side. If I just randomly decided to stop talking to them for no apparent reason, that would in most cases make me an absolute b*tch. HOWEVER. If my parents, after all of these years, STILL don’t know “what they did wrong” and “what they can do to make it right”, then that’s really not on me anymore. I have had countless of (attempts at) conversations with them, sometimes they even claim to understand me, and it really baffles me that they still claim to not know what’s going on. I think this is an incredibly convenient position to take (VICTIMHOOD! AGAIN!) and I can see why that makes my grandpa + his wife resent me. I just thought they were more emotionally intelligent than this, apparently not.
– The rest of his messages are just full of audacity and entitlement and disrespect honestly. They communicated all sorts of expectations they now have of me and they even said they would not talk to me until I “fix this”. This is highly freaking manipulative and inappropriate. But jokes on them, I am not a child anymore and this doesn’t get to me that much anymore. If they want to do it like this, they can have it. This is really not going to make me take my boundaries back. All it does is that they will lose one of their grandchildren.
– I am at a crossroad what to do next. I kind of don’t want to waste anymore energy on this and I am also old enough to (mostly) know who I am. I know I am entitled to my boundaries, my peace, and I should not have to justify myself. Still, I feel VERY strongly about injustice and it’s incredibly hard for me to not want to put people in their place. It’s kind of all or nothing now for me, it’s either “ok, your loss”, or I would want to go hard and tell them EVERYTHING – just to make them really think about what they did. These people don’t know I was diagnosed with literal BPD (BECAUSE OF CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT) last year, and in a world where this diagnosis is such a bad thing, part of me wants to really rub this in their faces (not to mention my mom likely also has BPD and I have been her “favourite person” (FP) ever since I can remember).
I am trying really hard not to feel crazy, as it seems that no one is really on my side (apart from my girlfriend and roughly 50 people on my other Reddit post lol). However, I am convinced that my parents just really succeeded well into manipulating my grandpa and his wife so that they feel sorry for them and I can be the bad guy. Any reassurance from you all would really still be appreciated though ðŸ¤
AITAH now?!
Comments
No you’re not
You know what? Send your family and grandpartens this post (original and update) and then block them. You explained the problem really well and I feel so angry for you.
Honestly they are all toxic and when you let them talk you into having contact with them I fear that you will never get away from this toxic life…
Sadly we can’t choose our family but we can choose if we want them in our life or not.
Your Grandpa is really good with words but he seems to be easily offended. I think it’s unfair that they only blame you and to tell you to mend the relationship. You’ve gone no contact for a reason. That means you want no interaction. But for the harmony of your family somehow it is your responsibility to have a good relationship and they try to blackmail you into action. Especially the last part is a no go. Your grandpa seems like the doesn’t want to put up with disharmony so he makes you responsible for his discomfort and goes no contact ( guilt and punishment) until you solved the problem so he doesn’t have to feel bad.
Before you reply sleep some days over it. I can’t give you advise on how to reply and it also depends really on what you want. For now it seems better to state your reasons (tell them you feel suffocated because they always make everything about themselves, always think they are the victim, drain you of all your energy, that it effects other relationships, make you the villain etc.) for going no contact again (so there are no missunderstandings) and then go no contact again, go to therapy, reenergize and decide afterwards what you want to do.
Although I think the first message was well intended, I don’t think the problem can be solved without professional and neutral help. No talks with the family mediator/psychiatrist outside the official meetings. Everyone has to be treated fairly (same amount of time and attention, no prejudices etc.)
Unfortunately there is no way for you to change your parents or grandparents. They can only change themselves of their own free will but they probably won’t. You have to decide if you want them around and how you will react to their behavior e. g. set firmer boundaries, go to family therapy, leave certain situations, go low or no contact etc.
Sometimes people are just not good for us even if it’s family.
I hope you find a solution that works best for you.
I feel you need to get yourself into therapy. Your parents are toxic and come off as narcissist. They told you they was happy when you left. It’s time to put yourself first. Just because you share DNA doesn’t mean your family. Create your own family with your girlfriend and friends. Your parents are selfish and will not change no matter how much you want them to. Tell your grandpa’s wife to mind her business of she’s not going to get both sides before her judgment. At this point I would cut them all off and protect your mental health. Change your number and move on.